


Safety Net

by Heck_To_The_Nah



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Asshole Ashton, Blow Jobs, Bottom Calum, Boys Kissing, Claustrophobia, Consensual Sex, Eventual Smut, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Protective Luke, Protective Michael, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romantic Soulmates, Sad Calum, Smut, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Top Ashton, he gets better but he's an asshole in the beginning, side muke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-08-10 20:50:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 54,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7860622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heck_To_The_Nah/pseuds/Heck_To_The_Nah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum has been waiting to meet his soulmate since he first learned what a soulmate was. He had been waiting to get his soulmate tattoo for just as long. Calum was in love with the idea of soulmates, but that ends the moment he first sees his tattoo.</p>
<p>Or</p>
<p>The one where everyone receives a tattoo of the first words that their soulmate will say to them, and Calum’s tattoo changes everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really excited to start posting this fic, and I hope that you guys enjoy! Remember to read the tags before you begin reading this work, just in case.

Growing up, Calum had been in love with the idea of soulmates. He knew that his parents had been so incredibly in love with each other from the second their eyes met, their tattoos matching up was just the icing on the cake. Calum couldn't wait for someone to look at him the way his parents looked at each other, even as a child.

Most parents wait awhile to explain to their children the concept of soul mates. Of course, children always know vaguely what they are from a young age. It's hard not to, with how often the word comes out of the mouth of older people, and is across every form of media in one way or another.

Calum had thought that he knew quite a bit about them. He'd always snoop in on adult conversations about cousins and neighbors getting their tattoo or finding their soulmate. But, of course, he hadn't known everything.

So he and his friends guessed and gossiped about the topic on the playground.

When he was twelve years old, his mum sat him down to finally explain everything to him, just like she had done for his sister Mali at the same age.

At the end of the conversation, Calum’s head felt like it was spinning. This was so much bigger than he had thought, so much more intricate than he could have imagined.

The second the clock strikes midnight on a person’s birthday, a tattoo will begin to appear somewhere on their body. It usually takes a few hours to clarify, but by morning it will be clear as day.

And what is their tattoo? It will be the exact first words that their soulmate will say to them. This is how soulmates find each other, by their first, and therefor most important, words.

Of course, most soulmates to not meet the day their tattoo appears. It's a one in a billion chance, really. But it will happen, you will meet your life partner.

Calum sat in his bed and wondered, what would his tattoo say? He hoped for something nice, but not plain. He didn't want ‘nice to meet you’ or ‘hello, how can I help you?’ because then, it would be nearly impossible to know. He figured that hundreds of people say those kinds of things to you in a lifetime. Instead, he wanted a ‘wow, so you're my soulmate.’ Or maybe a compliment like ‘you’re even better than I imagined.’ Or maybe, even better, a name. He wanted ‘hello, my name is’ and a name written on his body. To give him something to cling to. Something to make the wait easier.

He, naturally, told his best friend Michael all about it the other day. Michael probably should have been told by his parents, but Calum was too excited to care. He needed to tell someone as quickly as he could, and who better than the boy he shared everything with?

Michael was just as over the moon as Calum was. For the next couple years, it was one of their most prominent topics of late night discussion. The same went for pretty much everyone else that Calum was friends with, but mostly Michael.

They’d talk late into the night about it. Wondering what their tattoos would be, and what their soulmate’s tattoo would be. But most importantly, what their soulmate would be like.

Usually, when imagining them, the pair would alway call their future life partner ‘they.’ As in ‘I hope they like video games’ or ‘I hope they have a pretty smile’ or ‘I hope they like me as much as I know I'll like them.’ But, one night when they were both fourteen, Calum said he.

Calum said ‘I hope he’s got a good sense of humour.’ And for a second, Calum froze. He hadn't meant to say that. He had never even thought the word ‘he’ before. It was always a faceless girl. But, once he said it, ‘he’ felt right. And the faceless girl became a faceless boy.

Michael had been silent for a moment. Just a moment. Like he was waiting for Calum to say something else. Until Michael finally said “Oh. I didn't know you were gay. It's okay that you are, though. You know that, right?”

Of course he did. “I know.”

“Good,” said Michael softly. “I’m not really sure what sort of person I want, boy or girl or whoever else. I think that as long as they're my soulmate, I'll just love them. No matter who they are.”

Sometimes, Calum wished that Michael were his soulmate. Because Michael always knows exactly what to say to make Calun happy, no matter how scared or confused he feels inside.

The topic died down a little over the next year or so. They had more important things to talk about, most of the time. Sure, it was brought up occasionally. But their sleepover conversations changed from soulmates to hopes and dreams and worries.

It was only brought up again as a matter of major significance on the day before Calum’s sixteenth birthday. Michael and Calum were having their own time together, since on his actual birthday there was to be a party.

They had had a beer each (Calum didn't want to be hungover the first time he saw his tattoo, so he only wanted the one) and were just laying on Michael’s bed. “Do you think you’ll meet them tomorrow? At your party?”

Calum shrugged. There would be loss of people at his party, and there would undoubtedly be people there that he didn't know. So it could happen. It could easily happen “Dunno. Don't really want to meet them while I'm drunk, you know?”

Michael nodded. “Probably shouldn't drink too much, then. Just in case.”

Calum hummed in agreement and the dark room was silent for a second. “Michael?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think they’ll like me?”

Michael turned to Calum so that they were face to face, only a few inches between them. “They’ll love you, Cal. You're so amazing, there's no way they wouldn't. Besides, that isn't how it works. Soulmates love each other. No matter what. You don't have to worry about that.” Michael shuffled away from him a little so that he could comfortably check his phone “You should get going. It's ten, and you need to be asleep for midnight.”

It was practically a rule, at this point. People should be asleep when their tattoo appears. It's just a blur at midnight, as people who stay up tell you. It will drive you mad, just staring st it, for hours.

Just at the thought of it appearing, though, butterflies grew bigger and bigger in his belly until they were practically eagles. Though, he wasn't sure if they were from excitement or nerves. “Not sure if I can.”

“Just put on some soft music, that always puts you to sleep.”

It was true, Michael knew so after their many years of sleepovers. They hugged goodbye and Calum set off on the short walk home. All the while, just wondering. What would he be like? Would he be taller than Calum or shorter? What would their age gap be? What colour would his eyes be? What about his hair? Would it be short or long? Curly or straight? How deep would his voice be? Would he play sports? What kind of music would be like? What would kissing him feel like?

What would loving him feel like? Or being loved by him?

He took Michael’s advice and quickly got himself ready for bed. He got himself comfy and put his headphones on, turning on his usual ‘I need to sleep and this shit knocks me out’ playlist.

Despite all the buzzing in his mind and body, he fell asleep at 11:37.

He awoke to his alarm, like he does every morning. And for a second, he groaned and grumbled about getting up, just as he always does.

But then he remembered what day it was. That today is the most important day if his young life so far. His tattoo day.

He threw the covers off, and stripped off all of his clothes as he ran to his mirror.

It’s there! On the right side of his stomach, just above where his jeans usually sit. It was small, and written in a beautiful, curvy script. It was the most beautiful thing he had seen in his life.

Until he actually read the three words.

Fuck off, faggot.

That’s what it says. Permanently written on his skin. The first words that his soulmate, of all people, will say to him. Fuck off, faggot.

And his heart broke. He felt it shatter, and all the little shards stabbing him inside of his chest. It felt like he was dying.

In a panic, he grabbed his phone and called the one person who had always understood. Michael.

Of course, despite the early hour, Michael answered with pure excitement in his voice. “What does it say! Come on, Cally, tell me!”

Instead of telling him, Calum broke down. Violent sobs shaking him to the core as hot tears fell down his face.”What’s wrong, mate? Come on, talk to me. What’s going on?”

Calum managed to get the words out, though with great difficulty. “It's bad, Mikey. It's really bad.”

“It can't be that terrible, yeah?” Micheal tried to reassure him, though he was completely unprepared with this response. He had never heard of anyone so unhappy with their tattoo before. “What does it say? Is it, like, a coffee order? Someone calling you a twat? Are they introducing themselves as your professor?”

God, Calum wished that it could be any of those. If it were a coffee order, then at least that meant that he’d have a job in the future. If it were a normal insult, it could mean that he was jaywalking or spilled his drink on them or something stupid like that. Even if it were a professor, at least he would be a legal adult by the time they met. But, no. It’s worse.

“They call me a faggot.” Calum said between sobs. “It says fuck off, faggot.”

The Michael went silent, so much so that if it weren't for his shallow breathing, Calum would have thought that he had hung up.

Instead, Michael was shocked. This was Calum’s soul mate. The person who is supposed to love you unconditionally for the rest of your lives. The person who is supposed to support you, no matter what. The person who is supposed to love you for who you are. Not spit disgusting slurs at you. Never that.

“God, Cally. I'm so sorry. Do you want me to come over?”

Calum nodded, though realized through his haze that Michael couldn't see him. “Yes, please.”

“Okay, baby. I'm on my way. I'll be there in ten. Just keep breathing, okay. Everything’s going to be just fine.” Though, of course, Michael didn't know that. At the moment, it felt like nothing would be okay ever again. “I'm going to stay on the line with you, okay? You need to calm your breathing before you make yourself sick. Breathe for me.”

While Michael’s breathing was shallow from practically sprinting the entire way from his house to Calum’s, Calum was just sitting on his bedroom floor. And yet, he was certainly having much more difficulty than Michael getting air in and out.

When Michael finally got there, he pounded on the door. If it had been unlocked, he would have just barged in. But, unfortunately, it was. So he had to pound against the door until his hand was bruising and it was opened by Joy. “Michael! Good to see you! You here to see it? He hasn't come down to show us yet.”

“It's bad, Joy. Really bad. He needs me. Please, he needs me.” Thank god, though she looked shocked and a little disturbed, she opened the door wide enough for him to enter. He was halfway up the stairs when he turned to look at her again. “He’s going to need to stay home from school. And I'm not leaving him.”

Without another word, he bolted up the rest of the stairs and down the hallway. Stopped only when he flung Calum’s bedroom door open.

Calum was just sitting there, all curled in on himself on the floor. Still sobbing and struggling to breathe. Michael immediately sat in front of him, only a few inches away. “Oh, Cally. You’re gonna be alright. Just need to to calm down, okay.” Michael took Calum’s hand and placed it on his own chest. “Do your best to match my breathing, okay? In and out. Slow.”

Together, the breathed for what felt like hours, until Calum was breathing steadily and be had stopped crying, probably empty of tears.

Eventually, Calum was able to allow himself to be moved from the floor into his bed, Michael crawling in beside him. They cuddled together, Michael sometimes humming Calum’s favourite songs to help him relax.

Sometime, after maybe an hour of just laying there, Calum spoke for the first time. “What am I going to do?”

Michael didn't know the answer, as much as he wished he did. He wished that he could solve all of Calum’s problems with just a few words, but he really can’t. This can’t be fixed. “I don't know, babe. We’ll figure it out. We’ll get you through this.”

“But, Mikey, this is my soulmate. I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with them after they say this. How can I do that? And...what does that say about me, that even my own soulmate is disgusted by me?”

Michael pulled Calum closer to his chest. “It doesn't say anything about you, Cally. It means that they’re a bad person. And it means that they don't deserve your love. But I promise to love you enough, okay? I'll always love you so much. I'll always love you, and treat you the way you deserve.”

“Why couldn't you have just been my soulmate? It would have been so much easier.”

“I know, darling. I know it would be.” Michael ran his fingers through Calum’s hair in the way that he knew usually relaxed him. “Fuck them, though. You’ve got me. I'll make myself everything you need.”

They lay there, for most of the rest of the day. Rarely speaking. At one point, Joy came in to check on Calum. She kissed his forehead and she told him that she loves him, no matter what.

Somehow, Calum managed to sit through his birthday dinner that night. He had wanted to just keep laying in bed, but he knew that his parents would be disappointed if he sulked for his entire birthday.

No one asked about his tattoo, clearly they knew better. But still, Calum was rigid the entire time. Looking like he would rather be anywhere but in that chair, with his family and best friend singing Happy Birthday to him. He looked like he would rather die.

Michael was expecting that that would be the end of the night. That they would tuck themselves back into bed, and Michael would cuddle Calum to sleep.

But surprisingly, that didn't happen. Calum wanted to go to his party. “I need to go, Michael. I can't just miss my own party! Besides, I need to just...forget about it. Just for a few hours.”

Of course, Michael didn't protest. If this party could make him smile genuinely, that was all Michael wanted. For him to smile one time, completely genuinely, on his birthday.

So, Calum got himself ready. Showering, fixing his hair, and putting on the outfit he had picked a couple days before.

In the meantime, Michael had gone home to quickly do the same.

The party was a short walk from their houses, which was nice considering that neither of them had their licences yet. It was being held at one of Calum’s football friend’s houses, since his parents frequently spent weekends away.

Now, Calum wasn't the most popular boy at school. But he was still pretty high up, considering his position on the football team combined with his generally excellent personality. So, when he walked into the house, he was met by well over a hundred people screaming his name, and almost double that who were too into the party to care. He was immediately rushed to the kitchen and a drink of something or another (which was rather strong) was pushed into his hand. He greedily gulped it down, desperate to just take the edge off.

He drank and he danced and he talked to people and drank more until he was hardly functioning, though he kept dancing and talking all the same.

The party was good, it felt like exactly what he needed that day. He needed a huge crowd, constantly showing him some sort of affection, He needed music so loud that he needed to shout to hear people, and that he couldn’t hear his own thoughts. And he needed alcohol coursing through his veins to blur any thoughts that came through.

The fun only lasted for about two hours, though.

He was taking a break from dancing with practical strangers, and has settled on a couch with a few of his mates from the football team. Just talking. Joking. Fooling around.

It was inevitable that the subject of his tattoo would come up. Afterall, it is his special day. And they change in front of each other during football season. Someone would see it eventually. But he had been hoping that it wouldn’t be tonight. Just one night.

He tried to lie. Said he was keeping the words to himself, which was why he didn’t tell them what it said. Said that he would have to strip to show them. Doing his best to buy himself time before anyone would find out. Hoping that, maybe his mum would let him get a tattoo coverup done in time for football season.

It didn’t work. When he said that he would need to strip, he didn’t think that they would make him. He didn’t think that he would be held down by four laughing boys and have his jeans taken off while he told them to stop. He didn’t think that they’d pull at his boxers, not taking them off, instead revealing as much skin as they could without getting his dick out. And finally, he didn’t think that they’d pull his shirt up.

One of them held his struggling torso down, another held onto his wrists, another his ankles, and one read while a crowd had grown to see just what the birthday boy’s tattoo said. Then, the one who had read the tattoo looked up at Calum with nothing but disgust and anger in his voice spat “You’re a faggot?”

The other three clambered to read the words, and within seconds, he was receiving the same looks from them. Hearing nothing but disgusted comments and being shoved off the couch and to the ground. “Can’t believe I just touched a faggot!”

“We’ve changed in front of him!”

“Fucking pervert!”

“Disgusting little fag!”

And so much more from them, and the crowd that had heard everything.

Michael had only left him alone for a few minutes to run to the bathroom. He thought that he would be okay with them his friends. He’d quickly left the bathroom line when he heard the shouting, spotting a partially undressed Calum in the middle of an obviously angry crowd, and he instantly knew. He pushed through the crowd until he finally got to Calum.

Thank god, Calum was at least able to stand and pull his jeans back up by the time Michael reached him. He was quick to grab Calum, putting an arm around him, trying to shield Calum using his own body, and lead him out of the house.

Of course, the second Michael touched him, some of the crowd turned to him. They weren’t pushing them anymore, just hurling words. Calling Michael ‘Calum’s faggy boyfriend.’ and other disgusting things.

This was one thing that Calum was worried about with his tattoo. He goes to a Christian school, afterall. Homophobic attitudes are certainly not a part of curriculum, and it isn’t something shared by most students, but there are more than enough students who have this in common. Calum wasn’t and isn’t ashamed of being gay, but there’s a reason that he hasn’t told anyone aside from his close family and Michael.

Thank god, Michael had only had two drinks. He had stayed mostly sober just in case something like this happened. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been able to support the dead weight that was a distressed Calum.

Somehow, Calum managed to keep his tears at bay until they were nearly back at his place. But when he did break down, he did so completely. Heartbreaking sobs shattering the still air, choppy breathing, and legs giving out from underneath him. For the second time that day, he felt like he was dying.

Michael had no choice but to try and get him home. They live in the suburbs, and the houses he has broken down in front of him contain people who know him. If they see him like this, Michael doesn’t doubt that they will gossip, which will only worsen things for him.

Though he wasn’t the most athletic boy, he still had enough strength (probably fueled by adrenaline and his instinctual need to protect Calum) to lift Calum into his arms, making Calum wind his legs around his waist, and carrying him the last block home.

Thank god, being fully aware that Calum would be coming home rather drunk, his parents had left the door unlocked. So it was a little easier (and a little quieter) for Michael get get Calum inside and upstairs to his room without waking anyone up.

It was Calum’s second panic attack of both his day, and of his life. So, naturally, by the time Michael managed to calm him down, he was exhausted. Because he was still very drunk, Michael tiptoed downstairs and grabbed a glass of water.

When he got back upstairs, Calum was sitting on his bed, still wiping away tears. “Come on, Cally. Drink up. It’ll make you feel better.” Calum took the glass with a shaky hand and took slow sips. “Should get your jeans off, it’s not comfortable to sleep in them. Do you need me to leave the room while you do that?”

Usually, Michael wouldn’t even ask. They’re close. They’ve seen each other totally naked loads of times. But never before had Calum been held down and stripped against his will.

Calum shook his head, whipping away another few tears. “No, it’s okay. I know you wouldn’t, um, try and hurt me. Can you, um, can you stay tonight?”

“Course, babe. I’m not going anywhere.”

Michael, being Calum’s best friend for the majority of their lives, knew exactly where everything in his room was. He found Calum’s comfiest clothes, as well as some for himself, while Calum rid himself of his now horribly rumpled clothes. They dressed in silence and crawled into Calum’s bed.

“I love you, okay? No matter what, I love you. I’ll always be your best friend.”

Calum knew that, but all the same, it felt like his life was ending. In a way, it was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just warning you guys that this chapter is basically just a very bad time for Calum.

Come Monday, everything had changed, and he knew that it would never go back to normal. He went from being reasonably popular, to having only Michael. All of the other people he had once thought were his friends, had turned on him. He could almost constantly hear or see people whispering about him. Most had been at his party, but even the ones who weren’t, including people from higher and lower grades who he hadn’t spoken to in his life, already knew exactly what had happened. What he was. And they all hated him.

He went from sitting with a huge group of people at lunch, to hiding out with Michael in the library. He went from being greeted with high fives and bro hugs, to being shoved in the hallways.

He had to quit the football team. Which especially sucked, because if none of this had happened, he was supposed to become team captain in year eleven. If he had stayed on the team, he was likely to earn football scholarships. But, instead, after half the team cornered him on his way to practice and shoved him up against the wall, threatening him with serious harm, he had no choice. He had to quit.

More than the name calling or shoving, Calum hated what they were doing to Michael. Despite the truth, everyone assumed that Calum and Michael were together. Michael never got it as bad as Calum did. He was never pushed or anything, and the insults were fairly rare. But like Calum, Michael lost all of his other friends. Calum hated that that had happened to him, all because of three fucking words on his hip.

Things weren’t really physical, in a way that left him with any more than a couple minor bruises from being shoved into lockers.

But sometimes, it was worse than that. People liked to play tricks on him. They were worse than things like putting salt in his tea. Much worse. They often wrote on his locker. Generally just calling him a faggot. After it happened a few times, the school caretakers had no choice but to give up on cleaning off the writing.

There were worse things than that still. When he finally got a car, so that he could avoid harassment on the bus, someone keyed it. It wasn’t a nice car to begin with, but it still sucked. Especially because he couldn’t afford to do anything about it.

He had tried to get a job, and he managed to get one. But he couldn’t keep it. People from school found out where he worked. Everytime he would accomplish a task, they would mess it up again. Because they made it look like he wasn’t doing anything at all, he was fired within only a few weeks. His parents knew that he was having trouble at school, though they didn’t know the degree. So they took pity on him and continued to pay for his gas.

The worst prank, by far, happened in the school locker room, after gym class. He was having a quick shower, as most boys did. The showers had two spaces, the actual shower, and a small changing space. He had left his clothes and towel in the changing space, and closed the shower curtain. One of his former team mates thought that it would be hilarious to steal both his clothes, and his towel.

As soon as he turned the shower off, and therefor realized that everything was gone, the taunting began. The usual name calling, as well as telling him to come get his clothes.

It was the last period of the day, so these people had time to wait. After ten minutes, Calum knew that they weren’t going anywhere until they got what they wanted. He didn’t have a choice but to give it to him.

So, he bit back his tears, used his hand to cover his dick, and he opened the changing room stall to reveal more than half of his class, laughing and still taunting him. He couldn’t help but want to say that they were the ones who wanted him naked for their pleasure, so if he was a faggot, then what did that make them? But he didn’t, he knew that if he did, things would only get worse.

The boy holding his clothes was standing at the very far end of the room, so Calum had no choice but to walk to him. This particular boy hadn’t been one of the ones who had held him down at his party, so when Calum walked to him he smirked and said “So there’s the famous tattoo. You should thank your soulmate from us. If it weren’t for them, we would have never known that we had a pervert on the team.

Again, Calum wanted to point out who was really being a pervert in this situation, but he continued to hold his tongue. But then, the boy, who had a good half foot on Calum, held his clothes above his head. “Come on, fag. Jump.”

He didn’t have any choice. He couldn’t leave this room without his clothes, he’d never hear the end of it. Plus, he’d have minimum detention for life for being naked in the hallway. He had to jump. And he did. He jumped and jumped and jumped while a dozen boys stared and laughed and hurled insults.

Finally, the boy had had enough and tossed his clothes to the center of his room. He dressed as everyone continued to stare and taunt. He grabbed his school bag and he ran. Ran and ran until he was at his car.

Michael was waiting for him, of course. Calum always drove him, and they would usually go to one of their houses after school.

Today, Michael was standing by the car as usual, but he looked nothing but concerned. Calum never took this long. He would take a two minute shower after class, dress, and be by his car within five minutes of the final bell. Today, he was fifteen minutes late. Before Calum had even appeared, Michael already knew that something was wrong.

By the time that Calum finally got to Michael, he had lost control of himself and was starting to break down. Michael’s immediate response was to grab hold of Calum and maneuver him to the passenger side of the car. He fished Calum’s keys out of his pocket and unlocked the car. “I’m gonna get you home, okay? Gonna get you home, where you’re safe.”

He somehow managed to get Calum in the passenger seat and got himself in the driver’s seat. Michael doesn’t technically have his license, but he knows how to drive. Usually, not even he would drive without a license without his dad in the car, but right now he doesn’t have a choice. Calum is in no condition to drive.

If there is one thing that Calum can’t handle, it’s being seen as weak. He doesn’t fight back, but in the months since this began, he has never cried or broken down in front of his bullies. And Michael will not let that happen now.

He drives with one hand holding Calum’s, the only act he can manage right now to help him stay grounded. “We’re almost home, Cally. Just a few minutes. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be just fine. Just hold on a little longer.”

Thank god he didn’t get pulled over for speeding. No way Calum could handle getting ticketed right now on top of everything else.

Calum’s parents wouldn’t be home for a couple hours yet, so Michael had to carefully hold up Calum as he unlocked the front door. He didn’t even try and get them upstairs, he settled for the couch.

By now, Michael has learned how to calm Calum down. He’s been here for too many attacks for him not to know. So he placed Calum’s hand on his chest and talked to him slowly. “Breath with me, Cally. Deep breaths, in and out, just like this. You’re safe here. No one can get to you here. It’s just me and you. Just Mikey and Cally, okay? I’ll keep you safe. You’re always safe with me. Just need to keep breathing.”

This one was especially bad. It took longer than usual for Calum to stop sobbing and regain control of his lungs. “See? You’re gonna be okay. Just always need to remember to keep breathing.” They stayed there for awhile, Calum more or less sitting in Michael’s lap. “Do you want to tell me what happened? You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”

Michael has learned that giving him the option helps him to be slightly less stressed while talking about it. Though he always talks about it, he likes having the option that he can stop without Michael being mad.

Calum told him everything, as always. And Michael was silent for all of it, letting Calum get it all out. When he was done, Michael was completely horrified. When his car was keyed, Michael had been sure that that would be as bad as it could get. But this is so much worse. He didn’t understand how people could be so cruel to such a sweet boy.

But as much as Michael wished he could do something to fix everything, he knew that he couldn’t. Their school does nothing about bullies. It’s mostly the sports team that bother Calum, and the principal values sports and the profit and attention they brings to the school over the health and safety of individual students. Michael had tried, but it was no use. While Calum was at this school, there was nothing that he could do to help.

All he could do is offer comfort. Cuddle him and rub his back. “We’ve only got a couple months left before school is over, yeah? You’ll get a break in the summer. They’ll forget all about this by the time next year starts. Just one more month.”

Honestly, Michael doubted that they’d forget. But he needed to give Calum something to hold onto. And, even if they didn’t forget, he would get a break over vacation.

Nothing else extreme happened over the last month of school. Calum altered his behaviour a bit, to avoid anything else in the changing room. When gym class was over, he’d grab his bag and get out of there as fast as he could. Didn’t bother showering or changing, he waited until he was at his or Michael’s house to do that.

The pair needed each other to survive school. Alone, Calum knew that he wouldn’t have been able to make it through any day. He needed someone to have his back during the day, and if something went wrong, he needed Michael to help him through his panic.

In November, less than a month before the end of school, it was Michael’s birthday. Luckily, it was a Saturday, so they could spend the day together, with no one else ruining Michael’s day.

Calum hadn’t slept all night. He’s terrified for Michael. What if his soulmate is bad, too? What if they hurt Michael? Mikey deserves the world, and Calum is terrified that this unknown person won’t be able to give him that.

He held his breath when his phone rang in the morning, knowing that Michael was about to either actualize or rid Calum of his worst fear.

He was almost certain that Michael was crying when he answered the phone, and Calum’s heart was just about to break when Michael finally said “They’re good, Cal. They’re good.”

He’s crying with joy. Michael’s tattoo isn’t the same as his own, and that is all that matters. “What does it say?”

“It says ‘Your hair is so cool.’ Can you believe that, Cally? The first thing they say to me is a compliment. That’s gotta mean that they’re good, right?”

“Yeah, Mikey. They’re good. Only really good people compliment total strangers. They’ve got to be really good. I’ll be over soon okay? Happy birthday, Mikey. Love you.”

“Love you too, Cally. See you soon.”

It was a sick feeling, to be jealous of Michael. Michael really does deserve the best, and a person who will make Michael happy from the moment they meet is exactly that. Michael deserves that fairytale. Calum just wished that he might deserve half as much.

Michael had a really nice birthday, with his parents and his best friend. His parents were just as excited for Michael as Calum was, if not more.

His tattoo was wrapped around his left wrist in an elegant script. It was beautiful, and Michael was proud of it. But at school, Michael had no choice but to cover it with long sleeves or a plethora of bracelets. He knew that if the bullies saw it, they would use it against him. Michael needed to hide it in order to keep it sacred. People had taken that from Calum, but this was the one thing that Michael was determined to protect for his own sake.

The last few weeks of school weren’t horrible. It was stressful and they had to deal with the usual behavior of their bullies, but nothing extra.

It wasn’t until the very last day of school, after the final bell had rung, that anything significant happened. And this was, by far, the most impactful on Calum.

He had just finished gym class, and had started to all but run to his car. Being the last day of classes, this was his bullies last chance to mess with him until the next year. He had to get out before anyone who wanted to find him, did.

No actual bullies found him. What did happen, is that he wasn’t paying much attention as he rushed around a corner. He ran into someone, only barely knocking shoulders with the other person.

It was Ashton Irwin, one of the most popular boys in school. He had never spoken to Calum before, but he would sneer at him and shove him into lockers, like everyone else did.

The second their clothed shoulders touched, Ashton scowled, practically growling at the younger boy. His friends beside him looked just as disgusted, but Ashton was the one who acted. “Fuck off, faggot.” And he pushed Calum, so hard that he fell over and smacked his head against the locker.

Holy fuck. This is him. This is the boy who ruined his life. Ashton Irwin.

Calum had known that this day would come. He knew that he would meet the boy who had hurt him before they even met, but he hadn’t thought that it would happen so soon after getting his tattoo.

For a second, only anger grew inside of Calum. He wanted to hurt him right back. Spew words that were just as disgusting. But, in an instant, he changed his mind. He wanted to hurt Ashton, but he somehow knew that an insult wouldn’t be effective.

He wanted to give him hope. Being two years older, Ashton had had his tattoo for that amount of time at least. Calum wanted to say something that would have made Ashton excited to meet him for two years. Make him believe that his soulmate would genuinely care for him right away. And so he said, “I really hope your happy.”

Ashton didn’t say anything else, just sent Calum a funny look, and then turned his back. He high fived his friend, and then turned the corner. That was it. That was his first, and hopefully only, interaction with his soulmate.

He couldn’t even bear to stand, his heart was too broken. It was only a matter of time before someone would find him. And they did. Three older boys who Calum didn’t even known the names of found him, and they hurt him. This was the first time that Calum would be beaten.

They mostly just kicked him. He curled into a ball to protect his face, but he knew that he wouldn’t stop them. He wasn’t strong enough to take on three older, bigger, stronger boys.

By the end of it, he felt like he was dying. But even the physical pain was nowhere near the heartbreak.

Michael found him, some unmeasurable amount of time later. He rushed to get Calum to his car, carrying him because he could barely move his bruised body. He drove Calum home, this time legally, since he had gotten his license the week before.

He didn't ask Calum what had happened until they were in the safety of Calum’s bedroom. “Cally, what happened to you?”

By this point, tears were falling down Calum’s face. He wasn't having an attack, it was like he didn't even have the energy for that. He just cried as he spoke. “I met him. I met him, Mikey.”

“Your soulmate? They did this to you?” Michael sounded almost as outraged as he felt.

Calum shook his head “No, that was after. But yeah, I met my soulmate. It was Ashton Irwin. We bumped into each other and he said those things to me and he pushed me. It hurts, Mikey. It hurts.” He sobbed into his friend’s chest, unable to do anything else.

“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Cally. You’ll never see him again, okay? He's graduating, so you’re never going to see him again. He won't hurt you anymore. He’ll never hurt you again.”

He didn't ask Calum about the rest, he couldn't put his friend through that. He just let him cry and cry and cry until finally, he passed out, giving him the most peace this broken boy could have.

Calum stayed in bed for the next week. Michael explained to his family what had happened, so they left him alone. They came into his room a few times a day, bringing him food (that he may or may not eat) and then kissed his forehead. They didn't make him talk, knowing that it would only hurt him more.

At least the bruises weren't on his face, so his parents didn't need to face that reality along with all the other pain that Calum was dealing with.

High school just...never got better after that. The bullies certainly never left Calum alone. They still pushed him around, called him names, wrote on his locker, and beat him up, though the last one only ever happened a few times.

Really, the only reason that his parents hadn't decided to just have him transfer schools, was that they didn't know severity of the bullying. And they only reason Calum made sure that they didn't know, was because he couldn't bear to leave Michael to deal with this alone.

People continued to prank him. They never messed with his car, or got him in the change room again, the later being because he dropped gym in his junior year. But they found ways. Pissing in his locker, shredding his essays, and that sort of thing. Things with the specific intention of ruining his life.

The next act that was committed against him that he knew he would remember for the rest of his life, happened a month before the end of year eleven. Other pranks sucked. But this one certainly left some mental scars.

That semester, he had had math as his last class of the day. He wasn’t doing so well in the class, and he was a little terrified of his grade going into the final exam. It wasn’t that he didn’t try in the class, because he did. He finished all of his homework assignments and got near perfect marks on every test. The problem is, that his bullies in the class liked to steal his homework. So all semester, he had only been able to hand in six of the nearly thirty assignments. Though none of them counted for much individually, since they were usually only a page or so of questions, they added up.

That day, a Friday, he had stayed after class to discuss the idea of a extra credit assignment with his teacher. He was hoping that no one would steal it, since the answers would be no use to them. It was his last chance to do as well as he wanted to in the class.

The meeting went well. He left the classroom with the promise of an extra credit packet (containing elements of every single unit they had gone over during the past few months) being handed to him Monday.

The smile on his face was quickly erased, though, when four boys, whose names he honestly couldn’t remember, came out from an adjacent hallway and grabbed him. A hand was placed on his mouth to muffle his screams, and he was hauled away. This was one of those days when he really just wished that his school would invest in some nice security cameras. Maybe then someone would see and stop whatever it was that was going on.

They hauled him out one of the side doors of the building. Most doors in the building led to sidewalks or sports fields. This one didn’t. It was a rather secluded corner of the school, blocked from view of any windows or teachers, where many students went to smoke. The space smelled of nothing but smoke that had practically seeped into the brick of the walls, and of the dumpsters against the wall.

Calum was thrown against the old, grimy asphalt, scraping up his hands and knees as he caught himself. He didn’t have long enough to crawl away, because the hands were back on him. This time, with a roll of duct tape in hand.

His hands and legs were restrained as a piece of tape was secured to his mouth, once again stopping him from screaming. His wrists were next. They were harshly pulled behind his back and taped together with far too many layers of tape. His ankles were next. He tried to kick, fight back, but it was no use. His ankles were given the same treatment.

He probably could have gotten out of that. Had they left him like that, he could have gotten out. It probably would have hurt, but he would have swung his arms around so that they were in front of him. He would have been able to rip the tape off of his mouth. He could have screamed like that. Even if no one heard him, he probably could have used his teeth to get the tape off of his wrists. After that, getting the tape off of his ankles would have been a breeze. He would have walked away with only a couple of scrapes.

But they didn’t leave him like that.

Instead, they further restrained him. They taped his wrists and ankles together, leaving him like a tied hog. There was no way he would have been able to get out of that.

They weren’t done. God, they weren’t done.

There was a reason that they took him to this specific spot. They could have taped him up just like this in a bathroom or one of the already empty classrooms or a storage closet. It would have been more convenient, too, considering where they had grabbed him from. But they didn’t. They chose this spot for a reason. The dumpster.

Two of them picked him up gracelessly while another lifted the lid. And they tossed him right in, like he was one of the bags of trash that he was now lying in. Calum screamed, but it was useless. The lid was shut, and he was trapped. Every source of light was gone, he was reduced to the foul smelling air in the dumpster and the tiny amount that might sneak its way in, and he couldn’t move.

He heard from outside his new prison, one of them saying “Nighty night, Calum.” It only confirmed what he was thinking. They wouldn’t be taking him out in a few minutes. They were leaving him here. Maybe they’d come back in the morning, maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe he’d be waiting until the next time someone took out the trash. Honestly, he wasn’t sure that that happened more than twice a week. Who knows if today was one of those ways.

He tried to move to wall, having the idea of banging whatever part of his body that got there first against it in an attempt to alert any caretakers who might come out here. But he learned quickly that that was a terrible idea. It was a large dumpster, deep. Half full of trash bags with him in the middle. And every time he wiggled, he’d sink. Slowly, but noticeably. That would only make it worse and he knew it. So he stayed still, only moving his chest as he inhaled and exhaled only through his nose.

He could hardly breath. Who knew how long the oxygen trapped in here with him would last. Sure, there might be some slipping in around the lid, but it might not be enough. He’s a fairly tall boy, taking up a lot of space. His lungs need a lot of air.

Calum was trying not to panic. He was trying so hard. He knew that if he started to panic, he would only breath faster and therefor, use oxygen faster. He somehow managed to keep his breathing almost steady. 

But he couldn’t help the wailing. He didn’t know what it sounded like from the outside. He didn’t even know if it would be audible, considering that his lips are taped tight together. But he needed to do it. He needed to make whatever pained noises he could make because that was all he could do. His body wouldn’t let him stop the noise.

He didn’t know how much time passed. And he didn’t really have a concept of how much space was around him. However much space there was, it hardly mattered because he couldn’t get to it. But it felt like the walls were closing in around him thanks to the depleting air. He felt like he was going to be suffocated or squished, and he didn’t know which option scared him more.

Michael had been searching for hours. The school was practically empty, aside from a few teachers and a caretaker or two. He had asked everyone if they had seen his missing boy, but aside from Calum’s math teacher, none had. And of course, that teacher hadn’t seen him since three thirty.

He had looked in every classroom, storage cupboard, bathroom, and everywhere in between. He was at his wits end. He was about ready to call the police in, to be honest. The only reason he hadn’t already was for the sake of Calum’s parents.

Michael was doing one last patrol around the school grounds outside, when he heard it. The noise was faint, barely audible. But it sounded like a dying animal. Weak and pained. He looked towards where he had heard the noise, but all he saw was a dumpster. No animals in sight.

He was about to continue on his search, when he heard it again. Just as weak and pained and broken sounding, coming from the exact same spot. Of course, all that was there was the dumpster. Michael had no idea how an animal had gotten inside. And though he didn’t want to interrupt the search for his friend, Calum probably wouldn’t forgive him for leaving any animal to die. So, he opened the lid, letting it smack against the brick wall behind it.

It wasn’t an animal, of course. It was so much worse. It was Calum. Calum who was all taped up and filthy and crying. He looked so out of it, that it seemed he hadn’t even noticed the lid open. “Cally? Cally, can you hear me?”

Calum did, looking up finally. And thank god, he wasn’t hallucinating. It was Michael. And he could see the sun behind him. All he could do was cry harder in relief.

It was almost impossible, getting Calum out of there by himself. But somehow, taking much longer than Calum needed for him to, he managed. Once Calum was on solid ground, in no need of sinking again, he allowed himself to flop over. He had spent too long keeping his body perfectly still. It was more of a relief than it should have been to feel the impact as he allowed his face to fall against the asphalt.

Michael was quick to rip the tape off of Calum’s mouth. Calum gasped for breath. After hours of only stale air, this vaguely rotten smelling air tasted like all the best things in the world. He didn’t stop sobbing, now that he was capable of it. Leaving Michael to try and figure out how to free his friend the rest of the way.

In the end, since he didn’t have immediate access to any knives or scissors, he had to settle for picking at the edge of the tape. To the both of them, it felt like it took ages. Really, it was maybe ten minutes, but it felt like ages.

Calum hadn’t realized it before, how he had lost feeling hours before in his arms and legs. It was nothing permanent, nothing being free for awhile wouldn’t fix, but the pin pricks inside of his body were excruciating.

Michael had no choice but to carry an inconsolable Calum to the car, bridal style since his legs were too numb to wrap around his waist. When they finally got to the car, and Calum was situated in the passenger seat, Michael was quick to open the windows. It was obvious to him that the boy needed as much fresh air as he could get. Plus, honestly, Michael could hardly stand the foul odor Calum was giving off, thanks to spending hours surrounded by rotten food scraps and other sorts of general filth and grime.

Michael knew that his own parents would be gone until nearly ten that night. His mother had some sort of dinner involving work colleagues, and his father was accompanying her. So his house was empty, perfect for what the pair needed.

Michael was quick to carry Calum upstairs to his own room, like he always did when something happened that got Calum like this. But he hadn’t realized the trouble his bedroom would cause.

He always kept his curtains closed. If they were left open, he would often forget to close them at night, thus giving him a rude awakening in the morning when the sun rose. And he kicked the door shut behind him out of habit, giving them privacy in the already private dwelling. And, of course, with Calum in his arms, he couldn’t turn on the lights. The room was nearly pitch black.

It wasn’t until he noticed the choked sounds that Calum started to make as Michael sat him on his bed, that Michael understood. Of course. Calum, only half an hour before, had been dragged out of a confined, pitch black, air-lacking, box. Of course, it’s the dark.

He ran to turn his lights on. Bouncing from the lights, to opening the door, to opening the curtains, and finally opening his window. The room was as bright and open as it could possibly be.

Once his tasks were completed, he rushed back to Calum. “You’re okay, Calum. See? It’s light, okay? You’re not in there anymore. You’re out. You’re out in fresh air. You’re better here, see? You’re not stuck in there anymore.” Slowly, cautiously, Michael took Calum’s hands away from where they had been pressed tight to his body. “See? You can move. You’re not trapped. You’re free, okay? You’re not in there anymore. You’re free.”

Small and/or dark spaces were a struggle after that. He couldn’t use public washroom stalls anymore, or even close the shower curtain. He needed for the windows in his room, and even in the car, to always be open, no matter the time of year. And, to his own embarrassment, he needed the lights in his room to be on in the night as he slept. After complaints from his parents over the electricity bill (they didn’t know about his trauma, after all) he had to downgrade to a guitar-shaped nightlight that was gifted to him by Michael. Michael invested in a plain one for him own room for nights when Calum stayed over. Anything to make his best friend not have to struggle as much.

After maybe a year, the anxiety involving these spaces decreased to a small degree, but he still couldn’t deal with it most of the time.

At the very least, that was the last prank that left him with painful nightmares and damage to his mind and soul. They would have continued, had Calum not taken to waiting in his final class until Michael got there. He was safe in the room with the teacher, and after once he was with Michael. The bullies might yell disgusting things at them, but they would never touch them while they were together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Calum, but it all had to be done. Also, sorry for making Ashton such an asshat.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has already subrscibed, bookmarked, left kudos, and commented! I wasn't expecting such a positive welcome. Hope you enjoyed this chapter, too.
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, this chapter does focus on what is, at the very least, dubious consent. I would not recommend reading this if it could cause you any harm.

Calum walked through school like a zombie. Doing well in class, but that was it. He never made more friends or joined another team or club. He was just there, and Michael was just there with him. The only positive of the situation was that Michael stopped skipping school so that he didn't leave Calum alone.

He cried the day of his graduation. Not out of excitement or joy, out of fear of the unknown for university. But also, out of relief of never having to spend eight hours a day with these people again. He didn't know if the people at university would be any better, but he was fairly sure that it would be easier to avoid mean people.

His first day of summer was spent with Michael, relaxing and recovering, as usual. But the second day was different.

Calum had gone outside, just to take out the trash, when he saw it. Right on his front door, was a picture. But not just any picture, a picture of him from about two years and two months ago. From that day in the locker room. In the picture, he is totally naked. Barely covering himself with his hand. Calum immediately ripped it down, he couldn't bear for his neighbors to spot it.

He went right back inside and locked the door tight behind him. He was terrified. He had had no clue that anyone had taken pictures, let alone kept them for so long. And now, after two years, why would they post them on his door,

Once inside, he realized that there was writing on the back of the picture. More specifically, a threat. The most disgusting threat that Calum had ever seen or heard.

Look at your little fag ass, prancing around for everyone to see. If you don’t want the rest of the world to see this picture, you will call this number and do exactly as I say.

It was sickening. Calum had no idea what this person wanted, but he knew that he had to do it. No one else could ever see him like this. It was bad enough the first time, when it was only about twelve other boys. His parents, his sister, Michael, let alone every other person in Sydney, can never see him like this. He’d die of shame, completely literally. This would be too much.

So, he locked himself in his room that day. With trembling fingers, he dialed the mystery number. They answered on the second ring. “Hello?”

The voice was clearly male. Not gruff, just slightly deep. Just an average, young guy voice. With a shaky attempt at sounding strong, Calum asked, “What do you want from me?”

“This is Calum, isn’t it?” Calum grunted in response. “Well, Calum. I’ve got a proposition for you. What you’ve got to do, is come to a specific address tomorrow at two p.m. And then, you’re going to let me fuck you,” the voice said, completely matter of factly.

All the blood drained from Calum’s face and his heart started to race in fear. “No. No way, I’m not doing that.”

“Yes, Calum, you will. Unless you’d rather see the rest of Sydney whoring yourself out like that. Is that what you want?”

No. He didn’t want that. He couldn’t bring that kind of shame to his family. He couldn’t let this picture get out and spread, ruining future chances of relationships or jobs. Hell, if the university found this, he wouldn’t even get the opportunity to earn a degree. This picture could not get out, no matter what.

“What’s the address?” Calum mumbled, full of shame.

“Knew you’d see it my way. I’ll text it to you later. I’ll see you tomorrow, Calum.”

The stranger hung up, leaving Calum alone to his thoughts.

He knew that he had no choice.

When he had been younger, before he had gotten his tattoo, he would picture his first time sometimes. He pictured it as sweet, slow, and loving. He and his soulmate would worship each other’s bodies. After he got his tattoo, he stopped picturing it with his soulmate, but it would still be with a boy who cared for him deeply. Still gentle and sweet.

Calum knew very well that this would be none of the things that he had imagined.

He didn’t sleep that night, he was far too nervous about the next day.

In the morning, he had an extra long shower, trying to use the hot water to calm himself down. It didn’t work. By the time the water had cooled, he was even more nervous. He fixed his hair carefully and spent time picking clothes. He felt like he needed to look okay today. If he was going to whore himself out, he needed to at least look good. Maybe he was scared that if he looked ugly, the guy would decide that he was too filthy to fuck, and he would send out the picture anyway.

At exactly two o’clock, Calum knocked on the door. It was a decent house, fairly similar to his own. It didn’t look like the place that a person who blackmails people for sex would live.

Calum recognized the person the second they opened the door. It was a boy from school. Not on any sports teams, but popular all the same. And he was definitely one of the boys who had been in the change room that day. Calum didn’t know how he hadn’t seen him take a picture of him, he guessed that he had been too focussed on the person who had had his clothes captive.

He’s a fairly attractive guy, to be honest. But he is definitely not a good person. He never beat Calum up and he wasn’t directly involved in pranks, as far as Calum knew, but he did shout names at him and shoved him into lockers. He even gave him a swirly once, if he remembers correctly.

“Come in, Cally.” He said with a smirk.

Calum winced at the name. That’s Michael’s nickname for him, he can’t defile it like that. “Don’t call me like that. Ever.”

“Don’t be like that, Calum. Come in, up to my room.”

Calum stepped inside, jumping a little when he closed the door behind him. His room was just as normal as his house. There was nothing weird or creepy about it. Quite clean, nothing on the floor. Band and sports posters on the wall. A few pictures sitting on his desk, which Calum didn’t even try to look closer at.

“So, you want anything? Water?” He offered, almost like Calum was a friend or lover who has come over. Like this is normal.

Calum shook his head. “No. So, how is this going to work?”

“All business,” he said with a smirk. “Okay, I can work with that.” He sat on his bed and patted the space beside him. Reluctantly, Calum sat down. “So, you know that I’ve got nude pictures of you. They’re saved on both my computer and phone. And I will delete every picture if you sleep with me.”

“You haven’t sent the pictures to anyone else yet, right?” Calum asked, needing to know this before anything else.

He shook his head. “Nah, and I won’t, unless you don’t do as you’re told.”

There was something else that bothering Calum about this whole situation. Something that really shouldn’t be any concern to Calum, but was all the same. “What about your soulmate?”

He shrugged. “No one really cares if you’ve had sex before you meet your soulmate anymore. Besides, I might be thirty by the time I meet them, and I want to be experienced when I do.”

Experience. That’s what Calum is. Calum doesn’t mean anything to this boy. Calum is nothing. Just a body for this boy to experiment with. The only boy he has met who won’t go around calling him a fag. That’s what Calum is. What Calum wants doesn’t matter, and that’s exactly why he’s here. That’s scarier than anything, because it means that he doesn’t care what happens to him.

“How do I know that this is just a one time thing? How do I know that you’re not going to keep the pictures and keep holding this over my head? How do I know that you’re not going to send them out anyway?”

“I wouldn’t.” He said, surely. Looking almost shy or embarrassed, he continued “I don’t want to do that to you. Really, I don’t. I just...it’s not like there’s any other gay guys at school, right? I can’t just go out and find a boy, just like that. They’d find out. And you know better than anyone what happens when people from our school find out that you’re gay.” Calum almost felt bad for him. Almost. Calum does know what happens. But that is no excuse to do this. “It’ll be different when I’m not around these people anymore. Right now, no one can know. But I need to do this before I go to college. You can’t just go out there without any experience, right?”

“You could. You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to be this kind of person.”

“You don’t get it, Calum. It has to be this way. Now, come on. If you want this to be business, let’s get to it.”

Calum doesn’t get him. Calum won’t ever get it. “Just...just one more question. If you’re gay, why did you do what you did to me?”

He shrugged. “Everyone did it. If I didn’t, they’d think I was a fag too.” Even though this boy is gay, he spat the word fag. This boy is gay, but that doesn’t make him like Calum. “Now, come on. Strip.”

Hesitantly, Calum stood. He doesn't have a choice. THis boy claims not to be a bad person, but Calum knows that he’ll do a very bad thing if he doesn’t go along with this. Calum started to take his top off as he watched. “You’ve got condoms and lube, right? I’ll let you fuck me, but not without those.”

He nodded, leaning back to ‘enjoy the show’ Calum was giving him. “Yeah, of course.”

So, Calum took the rest of my clothes off. When he was totally naked, the boy looked Calum up and down, biting his lip. “You’ve grown up, Calum. Much better than the pictures.”

Calum resisted the temptation of covering himself up, He doesn't like the way that he is looking at him. Calum went to his window and shut the blinds. Calum doesn't care if people are unlikely to see us, He’s not taking any chances. “You have to take yours off, too.”

He chuckled. “Course, babe. Can’t fuck you with my clothes on.”

He winced at his words as he stripped. He really is an attractive guy. Muscles in just the right places, nice hair, a charming smile, he’s got the whole package. Who knows, if he had gone about this differently, this could have gone differently, this could have happened naturally. This could have been what Calum had envisioned. But this didn’t happen differently, and this is not natural.

“H-how do you want me?”

“On the bed, hands and knees.” He said bluntly.

Calum exposed himself to him further as he submitted to his wishes. “Look at you.” He smacked Calum’s ass roughly, making him jump and whimper. “Got such a nice ass. Can’t wait to be inside of it.

Calum shut his eyes as the other boy grabbed supplies from his nightstand, trying to tune him out. Trying to imagine himself somewhere else, with someone who would take care of him. As soon as his cheeks were forcefully spread, Calum knew that it wouldn’t work.

He didn’t even bother stretching him out. This wasn’t for Calum, so why try and make it pleasant? At least he used lube, though that was probably for his own comfort over Calum’s.

It hurt. It hurt really fucking bad. It burned, and he was almost sure that he was bleeding at least a little. Even though the other boy managed to find his prostate a few times, Calum was completely soft the entire time.

But the boy didn’t even care. Didn’t care that he was obviously hurting Calum. Didn’t care when Calum started crying. Didn’t care when he came, and Calum hadn’t even gotten hard. He pulled out, making Calum wince in pain. “You’re a good fuck, babe. Should do that again sometime.”

Calum shook his head, wiping away his own tears. “Wh-where’s your laptop? And your phone?”

“Dunno, babe. I think you should let me keep those.”

Tears poured from Calum’s eyes even more rapidly than before as he shook his head. “No. You promised. You promised you’d delete them if I did as I was told. I did. I did everything I was supposed to. You have to delete them. You have to.”

The boy chuckled, almost cruelly. “Calm down, babe. I will. A deal’s a deal.” He grabbed his phone from his jeans pocket on the floor. He scrolled through it for a couple minutes, tapping on a couple things. Then he tossed it to Calum. “Go ahead, look through it if you want. All clean.”

Calum scrolled through every album as he opened his laptop and set to work on there. He wasn’t lying, his phone is clean. He let Calum look through the files on his laptop too, and he couldn’t find anything there, either.

Calum wiped away his tears once he was satisfied with his inspection. “Okay. Well, I’ll just go.”

Calum started to stand, needing to dress and leave, but was stopped by a hand of his shoulder. “Slow down, babe. There’s something else I want from you.”

Calum tried to get away from him, but after years of being stuck inside, Calum is not at all in shape. He’s no match for the bigger, stronger boy. He pushed Calum back against the bed and moved his hand from his shoulder to his neck. Calum couldn’t even struggle, he’d only end up hurting himself even more.

Calum hadn’t noticed, but he’d had his phone in his hand. He leaned over Calum, and he took pictures. More than one. “Needed a souvenir.” He turned his phone and showed Calum the images he had stolen from him. “See? Don’t even have your face in any of these. Nothing to worry about.” Finally, he released his hold on Calum and took a step back. “You can go now.”

Before he could change his mind, Calum grabbed his clothes from the floor and dressed as quickly as he could. And he ran, as fast as he could out to his car. He probably shouldn’t be driving right now. Tears are still blurring his vision, and his hands are shaking far too much.

When Calum got home, he had the longest, hottest shower he could. He scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed until his skin was so red and raw that it almost burned.

Before his parents got home, he went to his room and locked the door. He shut the blinds, turned off his phone, and crawled into bed. Hiding. Trying to shut out the world, to freeze time, the only way he knew how.

No one saw him again for nearly two weeks.

Michael had called and texted Calum until he finally decided that it was worthless, nothing was going through. He’d go to the Hood house daily, just to check in. But it was useless. Honestly, the only reason his parents hadn’t knocked his door in, was because every morning there would be a new plate or bowl in the sink as well as an empty glass. He wasn’t getting much, but at least we was eating and drinking something. They knew their son. They knew that sometimes, this is just how he is. He needs space to process and deal with things. It has never come to such as extreme, but they were hopeful that he’d come out when he was ready.

Mali came home on the sixth day. The siblings had always been close. They’d argue, sure. But they’d always love spending time together, especially after their time together became limited after Mali had left for university. Their parents had hoped that Mali being there would do the trick. But no matter what she said to him through the door, he didn’t come out.

But, somehow, on day eleven, Calum found the strength to leave his room. Mali came downstairs in the morning to find Calum, sitting at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal. Like it was normal. Which, it was. Just not with these circumstances.

She didn’t ask about what had happened, or why he had locked himself away. She kissed his freshly washed forehead and joined him at the table. He looked ill. Despite the fact that he’d been locked in his room, he clearly hadn’t been sleeping. And if he had, then not restfully. His clothes are looser than he had been before. He’s lost a fairly significant amount of weight over the past week and a half, thanks to the fact that he’d only eaten one meal during the night. He’s dehydrated, shaking, and the circles under his eyes look like bruises. But he’s here. And everyone around him needs to accept that as enough for now.

Slowly, Calum improved. He ate during the day, and drank as much as he needed to. He still spent time in his room in the dark, but Mali and Michael would now join him. He’d watch films with his family, cuddled up under blankets. He started sleeping better, if only a little.

Calum got better. But, honestly, he didn’t feel much better. On the inside, in his head, he still felt like he was dying.

He hadn’t wanted to leave his room. The only reason he did, was that he decided that he had put these people who care about him through too much. He didn’t want them to put them through any more pain than he already had.

He tried, though. Despite how much he had hurt and been hurt, he tried. He told Michael about the reason he had shut himself away, for the most part. He didn’t tell Michael the boy’s name, or his address. He also left out element of the pictures that he had been held down for. He knew that if he told Michael, that would push him over the edge. He would weasel the address out of Calum, and go and try to hurt the boy. Michael would end up hurt, or in trouble. Either way, that wasn’t what Calum wanted for his best friend.

He told Michael, and they cried together, holding each other tight. Michael promised him that he wouldn’t let anything like this happen again. He promised to protect Calum, no matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to let me know what you thought! Sorry this chapter what so horrible for Calum...
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A whole lot happens in this chapter...hope you like it!

Calum didn’t leave his house that summer, not even to go over to Michael’s house. He stayed within the walls of his childhood home. That is, until it was time for him to leave.

He had been waiting for this for years. Waiting for the day he could leave the school that fucked him over, and go on to something that will hopefully be better.

He was thankful that he and Michael had both been accepted to the same school, and more so that they would be sharing a dorm room. So, the two of them packed their bags, got everything stowed in Calum’s car, hugged and kissed their families goodbye, and they left. On the road for hours, leaving every person who had caused him pain behind.

The first few days were interesting, to say the least. Calum wasn’t exactly willing to try and make new friends. Maybe the people there were nice, but he couldn’t be sure. He was scaring them off, he guessed. He was too jumpy. People were loud and prone to unexpected touching. Michael could hardly get away with touching him when he wasn’t expecting it. So when other people did it, he reacted instinctively. His automatic response was to try and get away. He tried to resist the urge to do so, but it didn’t work. He’d jump and stutter, and people would soon stop trying to talk to him.

Still, it was better than high school.

Michael wasn’t having as much of the same problems. He didn’t make friends easily, either. But, he did meet someone. The most important someone. His soulmate.

It was a boy named Luke. Tall and gangly and more than a little awkward. But to Michael, he was perfect.

They met on the first day of orientation. Michael hadn’t noticed him at first, he was too busy talking to Calum. But then the other boy turned around, instantly catching Michael’s attention with his natural beauty. Apparently, it worked both ways. Because the second other boy looked at Michael, who had been only two feet away from him, he said “Your hair is so cool.”

Of course, Michael knew right away. He was...beyond excited, and a little stunned. Sure, loads of people meet their soulmate on their first day of post secondary school. It’s one of the most common place to meet, in fact. But still, Michael wasn’t expect him. So forgive him if his first words to the boy were “Holy fuck, you’re gorgeous.”

As soon as the other boy heard those words, he practically jumped on Michael. Huge smiles on both their faces, they held each other tightly. “You fucking bastard!” the other boy said, pure joy in his voice instead of the annoyance his words would usually be said with. “Of all the things you could have said, you picked that. You’re lucky it’s not in a visible place.”

Michael pulled back. Not enough to actually leave Luke’s arms, because that was the last thing that he wanted to do. Just enough that he could look at Luke again. “It’s not my fault you’re so gorgeous. Fuck, you’re so much more beautiful than I could have imagined.”

It was sappy as hell, the way they stared into each other’s eyes. But they didn’t care that other people were watching, certainly knowing what was going on. They were too wrapped up in each other.

Still smiling, they stopped hugging. But hands remained on waists, not wanting to let go. “You too. Fuck, you’re so beautiful. I’m Luke.”

“Michael.” He trailed his hand up from Luke’s waist to his cheek, cradling it in his palm. “Can I kiss you, Luke?”

Luke didn’t bother answering verbally. He just leant down the couple inches it took to reach Michael’s lips, and they kissed. It was soft, sweet. Just a slow glide of lips. Michael had never kissed anyone else before, and he sort of doubted that Luke had. Had they kissed anyone else, that probably would have been sloppy. Maybe pleasant, though that would be all. But with the two of them together, it was a perfect first kiss.

They pulled away when the two of them were smiling too much to keep kissing. For a moment, they stayed there, with their foreheads pressed together. Wrapped up in each other completely.

Of course, Michael had to break the intimate moment when he remembered himself. He’s here with Calum. Calum, who he has completely forgotten about. Calum who gets anxious around people, while they are currently in a crowd. Calum who needs support like he needs air, though he doesn’t ever want to have to ask for it. Calum who needs Michael. And Michael has forgotten about him.

He whipped his head around. He knows that he had been talking with Calum before he spotted Luke, so he should be close. Luckily, he still was. He had put a bit of space between them, probably to give Michael as much privacy as he could with his soulmate. But he was still within ten feet of the pair. Close enough that, had he needed to, he could have called for help and Michael would have heard him. That certainly wasn’t what Calum had been thinking when he chose his placement, but it was where Michael’s mind directly went.

“Who’s that?” Luke asked, a little surprised at Michael’s unexpected action and the fact that he had so abruptly broken their moment.

It wasn’t like Michael could just say ‘no one,’ or that that was something that he actually wanted to say, either. Luke is his soulmate, but Calum is his person. And his person needs him now. And his person and Michael himself need for Michael’s soulmate to be okay with him.“That’s Calum. My, uh, my best friend, since we were kids. We came here together, actually. Rooming together, too.”

Most friends don’t deliberately pick the same university. Only the closest of friends, who need each other would do so. None of Luke’s friends were close enough to do it. Because of that, and the way that Michael had frantically scanned the crowd for the boy, despite this being their first meeting, Luke knew that this boy had to be extremely important to Michael. And so, he would have to be important to Luke. “I’d love to meet him. I can tell that he means a lot to you.”

That was, really, one of the first things that Luke would about Michael. That Calum was important to him. Before he knew his favourite colour or what program he was in or where he was from, he learned that Calum was important.

“Really?” Michael breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t that he thought that Luke wouldn’t want to, it was that it seemed that Luke understood. Of course, he didn’t, really. But it felt like he could understand. That, for right now, at least, Calum is his priority. “I should...I should get back to him. Will you come with me?”

It wasn’t average, meeting your soulmate’s friends minutes after you meet them. But that it what they did.

Michael took Luke’s hand, lacing their fingers together, mystifying himself for a second with how their hands fit together, and guided him over to where Calum was.

Calum hated to say it, but he was terrified of this stranger. Sure, he is Michael’s soulmate. And they had been pretty sure that he would end up being a decent person. But Calum had had enough bad soulmate experience to understand that being someone’s soulmate, does not make you good.

But, maybe more than that, he was scared that he would be too good. That he would be so good, that Michael will forget all about Calum. That they’ll be so wrapped up together, that the only times that the two friends come in contact will be when Michael comes back to the dorm to sleep, if he even does that.

All the same, Calum tried to act normal. He tried not to flinch away from the boy who introduced himself as Luke, though he failed as soon as the boy raised his hand for a handshake. He tried to smile, though he hadn’t done that in front of anyone who wasn’t family or Michael since the day he turned sixteen. They spent hours together, so Calum tried to keep up pleasant conversation.

Honestly, Calum had forgotten how to be normal. He really did want this boy to like him. If Luke likes him, then maybe he won’t take Michael away from him. But he didn’t think he was doing so well. No one had liked him for years, and he felt that that was only continuing with Luke.

The trio spent the entire day together. Even after orientation was over, they went and got dinner. Luke walked the pair back to their dorm room. He lives in the same building as they do, but on the floor below. That was, really, the only reason he hadn’t gotten lost walking them there since he was a new student as well.

Calum squeezed Michael’s shoulder before he entered their room, leaving Michael alone with Luke for the first time ever.

Luke’s immediate reaction to finally being alone with Michael was to wrap him in his arms, holding him close to his chest as Michael reciprocated the action. It was a long day for the both of them. Aside from them meeting, they had also had to go along with all things orientation. And now, the next day, they would be going to their first university classes. They were tired, but content.

They stayed like that, holding each other, as they spoke in hushed tones. “Calum seems like a nice guy.”

Michael hummed in agreeance. “He is, the best. He's really important to me, you know? I know this sounds bad, because you're my soulmate, but he’s going to need to come first. I can't tell you why, not until he trusts you and says that I can. But he needs my attention most. Always.”

Luke’s thumb gently rubbed at Michael’s clothed back. Calum really did seem sweet. Shy, extremely timid, and a bit odd. But sweet. Though he didn't know the pair, and certainly didn't understand, he agreed. He already cared so deeply about Michael. And if Calum was a part of this package, then Luke would eagerly take it. Take all that Michael would let him have. “Okay. I understand. It's getting late, though. I should get going.”

They kissed for a moment, too tired for it not to be anything but gentle and languid. They separated, soft smiles on their faces. “I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Text me.” Luke said, Michael nodding.

Luke turned to leave, making it only a few steps down the hall, before Michael spoke again. He was still soft, courteous of Calum and their neighbors, but he was still louder than the other words they shared when they were pressed together. “I'd like to take you out, Luke. On a proper date.”

Luke couldn't help the massive smile on his face. “I'd love that.”

“Friday, then?” Luke nodded, both of them smiling brightly. “We’ll talk about it later. Goodnight, Luke. I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow. Goodnight, Michael.”

And they parted ways.

Calum and Michael had yet to unpack their boxes and bags of all of their possessions. They had pulled out a few things when they had gotten ready last night or that morning, but Calum was still searching for whatever it was that he needed when Michael came back into the room.

“You okay, Calum?”

Calum nodded, continuing to poke through a box. “Yeah, I’m just looking for my light.”

Though he was embarrassed about it, Calum had packed his guitar-shaped nightlight. He had passed by the night before with Michael's, whose light had been strategically packed so that he could find it easily, but Calum’s guitar was brighter. Made him feel safer. He had been too exhausted the night before to care, but tonight felt different.

Of course, Michael remembered where Calum had put it. It was in the front pocket of a suitcase. He pulled it out and handed it to Calum, who took it, relief on his face, and plugged it in.

“That isn’t what I meant, Calum. I meant, are you okay with Luke? I know that this wasn’t how university was supposed to be. It was supposed to be just us. And now I’m introducing a total stranger into the mix and messing up all of our plans. And just...are you okay? Because, honestly, if I’m meant to love him, he can wait until we’re okay here.”

Calum had waited for Michael to finish before he grabbed Michael’s hand and led him to his bed. The pair sat beside each other silently for a moment as Calum constructed his choice of words in his head. Michael had noticed over the years that this was what Calum did, now. He used to say whatever came to mind, not careful at all. But, he speaks less now. Even to Michael, he isn’t as open. He takes time to pick out what he wants to share. Like it’ll protect him, to say only the right things.

“I think he’ll be okay. He seems nice. He didn’t look at me in a, you know, a mean way. He didn’t say anything harsh. Obviously he’s fine with boys who like boys, considering that he is one and didn’t seem weirded out that you’re a boy. And he looked at you like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him. And you deserve to be looked at like that all the time, okay? You deserve someone who knows how special you are, and who treats you as such. You’ve given up a lot for me over the years, Mikey. So now that you’re getting your person, I don’t want you to give them up, just for me. Remember what we said? When you first got your tattoo? We said that he had to be good, because of what he said. And I think that he might be better than that. So just as long as...as you don’t forget about me completely, go for it. Be with your person.”

It was like a weight had lifted off of his shoulders, knowing that Calum approves. Calum has seen only the worst of everyone he met for years, so to know that he trusts Luke to treat him right, it means a lot. It proves what he thinks he already knows about Luke. “I told him how much you mean to me. I think he already knew, just from today. He says that he understands. I didn’t tell him anything about before, but he still understands.”

“Then that proves it, doesn’t it? He’s got to be good, just like we’d always hoped.”

They fell asleep in that bed together that night. Though Luke was now in the mix, they still fell asleep, holding each other. Protecting each other from anything the outside threw at them.

The next few weeks were...interesting. Things were good for Michael. He now had another person to spend time with, particularly when Calum was in class or studying or practicing. Luke already made him incredibly happy.

Their first date went really well. They had dinner at a nice restaurant, followed by a walk in the park that Michael had spotted on the initial drive to the university days prior. It was sweet. Their hands fit like puzzle pieces, and Luke was a total gentleman, showering Michael in sweet words and even pulling his chair out for him at the restaurant. It was perfect.

The only little hiccup had been when they had left the dorm building. Michael had gotten Calum to agree to lend him the car for the night (it really didn’t take any effort to get him to agree, Calum trusts Michael too much to worry) so that he could take Luke off Campus. Luke had spotted the long scratch across the car, still left over from years prior. “Shit, what happened here?”

Michael didn’t want to speak about it, wanting to keep things hidden until after Michael approached Calum about what was sharable. But on the other hand, Michael didn’t want to lie. “It’s a, um, a long story. I’ll tell you sometime, maybe. If Calum says I can.”

When Michael said that, Luke filed it under the already rapidly filling file of ‘Calum is delicate, but don’t ask why’ and moved on. Aside from that, the date went amazingly. So did all of their dates after.

Plus, of course, aside from the goings on with Luke, Michael’s first weeks of classes were going well.

For Calum things weren’t going so well. He liked his classes well enough. He was in love with his program, so of course his classes would be the best part of his days. But aside from that, things were shit.

He was having difficulties adjusting to university life. In high school, he had made sure that he always sat in the back of the classroom. There, no one would be able to throw anything at the back of his head. But in university, he wanted the professors to like him. He knew that, particularly in his program, he needed teachers to like him to succeed. But he still needed to sit at the back, just to be safe. And, like high school, he kept his mouth shut in class. If he was called on at random, he’d answer (always correctly) but aside from that, he was silent.

Because he was studying music, that involved a degree of being in front of people and being judged. He always did what he was told, and did it well. He was critiqued, but not badly. But it gave him so much anxiety, he could hardly deal with it.

There was also the whole ‘friend’ thing. He’d had to work in partners in some of his classes. Of course, none of his teachers assigned pairs. Most students were happy about that, because they’d always get to work together. Calum wasn’t so lucky. Just the words ‘pair up’ made his heart race. He’d always get stuck with a person who had an even number of friends in the class, and so the odd one out would be stuck working with him. He’d get his half of the work done, extremely well and timely, but he’d stutter his way through it. The other person would try and be nice, but it was always obvious that they’d rather work with their friends. Calum wished that too, that he could just do everything by himself. That would be so much easier. And so much less terrifying.

He was thankful that he was always back in their room before Michael every day. Because, most days, he cried. He cried and cried and cried until his eyes were dry and pillow was soaked. He was just so stressed and tired and scared all the fucking time, and he didn’t know how else to deal with it. He never told Michael that he was crying. By the time Michael would get back, Calum will have already rid his face of any tears.

As far as Michael knew, Calum’s school life was relatively okay. If only he knew how Calum really felt.

At least Luke was nice to Calum. More than that, Luke was trying really hard to be Calum’s friends. He’d try and find out about Calum’s interests from Michael, and try and talk about them with him. He’d stop at the cafe on campus and buy a cookie or pastry that Michael had told him Calum enjoyed, and he would gift it to the boy, always saying that he had thought that he had been hungrier than he was to make it seem less like the favour that Calum might interpret it as. He always tried to smile and be the friendliest version of himself with the boy.

Still, Calum jumped if Luke spoke loudly, or surprised him. He’d flinch when Luke’s hand came near him quickly, even if it was to just grab a pencil beside Calum. And, honestly, he looked terrified of Luke most of the time. Like he was just waiting for Luke to do something horrifying to him.

To Michael, it wasn’t a big deal. From the times that they’ve talked about it, Michael knows that Calum likes Luke and appreciates his kind gestures. The jumping and flinching aren’t anything that Michael doesn’t experience himself, so he knows that it’s just instinct. And logically, he knows that Calum knows that Luke won’t hurt him. He’s just naturally on edge. He knows that Calum would like to have Luke as a friend. In a way, Calum has just forgotten how to have friends, especially new friends.

But to Luke, each little flinch hurt. He genuinely likes this boy, and not just because he’s Michael’s best friend/practical brother. He’s kind, smart, talented, sweet...he’s just a really good kid. And every time that he sees Calum flinch away from him, he remembers that this boy has been hurt. And that fact isn’t going away anytime soon.

One night, after Calum had had his daily cry and Michael got back from his weekly date night, the two cuddled in Calum’s bed, only the little nightlight and the moon stopping the room from being pitch black. This was the night that Michael decided that it was time that he broach a delicate subject. “Calum? Can I ask you something?” Calum hummed in response, to let Michael know that he was listening. “I was wondering what you thought about me telling Luke about some things. Some high school things.”

Though Calum didn't speak, and though Michael couldn't see his face, Calum’s reaction was an obvious one. Panic. “Cal? Cal, your heartbeat is getting fast. You need to try and keep calm okay? Breath with me. In and out.”

It wasn't a full blown attack, but it was still a moment of panic. It took a moment for his bodily functions to return to normal, but even then his brain was a mess. “Y-you can’t. He can’t know that, Mikey. He can’t.”

“Okay. Okay, Cally. I won’t tell him. It’s okay. I won’t tell him. I’ll never tell anyone anything that you don’t want me to. It’s okay. You’re okay, Cally. You’re okay.”

Calum fell asleep in Michael’s arms that night, curled in on himself. It wasn’t a peaceful sleep for him. When he falls asleep anxious, his sleep is always disturbed by dreams. Dreams of his own pain of the past. Of terrifying, hopefully unlikely, visions of the future. And of everything in between.

Michael didn’t fare much better. When Calum has bad dreams, he tends to twitch and whimper in his sleep. Michael has learned that it’s best to let him sleep through them instead of waking him up. If Michael woke him up every time he had a bad dream, he would probably only get an hour or two of sleep a night.

However, if he starts to thrash in a way that could cause him pain, Michael wakes him up. So every time Calum twitches in any significant way, Michael wakes up on instinct. Ready to help his friend, but rarely needing to. It was safe to say that he woke often through the night.

Both were still tired when it was time for them to awaken to get ready for class, but they got up anyway. They had to. No matter what happens in their daily lives, they have to keep going and do what they need to do. That is a lesson that Calum had learned time and time again.

They were silent as they got ready in silence. Maybe too tired to talk, or maybe too nervous to talk after last night. But, still, Calum decided that he needed to say something. “Mikey?” Michael hummed in response as he grabbed the textbook he’d need for his first class. “Do you really trust Luke?”

Michael set down the book on their shared desk and turned around to look at Calum. “I do. I know that we haven’t known him all that long, but I do trust him.”

Calum nodded, and thought for a few extra seconds before speaking. “And, if you told him things about, um, about me, are you sure that he wouldn’t do anything bad? Like, he wouldn’t use stuff against me or, um, or tell anyone?”

“I’m sure, Cally. He cares about me. And he knows that if he wants me, then he needs to treat you well, or I’d leave him. He doesn’t know why yet, but he gets that. And he does genuinely like you. He doesn’t want to hurt you.”

Calum nodded, taking it all in. And he changed his mind. From what h had said the night before, Calum changed his mind. “Then you can tell him. Not, like, everything. You can’t tell him about this summer. But, you can tell him what you need to. That would be okay?”

“Are you sure? Because, really, I’ll never tell him if you don’t want to.”

“I’m sure. If you really trust him, then I do too. You can tell him.”

“Okay. Thank you, Cally. I’ll tell you how it goes, okay?” Michael paused, drumming his fingers on the desk. “There’s, um, there’s something else I’ve been meaning to ask you. I was wondering what you thought about me, maybe, spending the night with Luke?”

Calum froze up a little, but was quick to shake himself out of it.“You don’t need my permission for that Mikey. If you both want that, then do it. Just...be safe, okay? I mean, like, be sure that you both, like, want to. And that you’re both comfortable.”

“Cally…” Michael knew that this wasn’t just about Michael and Luke possibly having sex. This is about Calum. This is about Calum and how someone didn’t do that for him. They knew that he didn’t want to, and then they caused him lasting pain. And this is about how Calum is scared of that happening again, to him or anyone else he cares about.

Michael closed the space between them, and cradled Calum’s cheek in his hand. “Luke isn’t like that, okay? And neither am I. Nothing like that is going to happen again, okay? Not to me, not to Luke, and not to you, either. I’ll keep us safe. I’ll keep all of us safe.”

“I know that. I know that you’re both good people. I just...be careful with each other. No matter what you do, just be careful.”

“We will be. You don’t have to worry about that, though. Okay? It’s something goes wrong, then of course I’d tell you. But you really don’t need to worry about this. You’ve got enough going on, I don’t want you to have to worry about problems that haven’t even come up yet.”

Of course, Calum did worry. It’s kind of what he does. Even if he has nothing to worry about, he keeps worrying. Worrying that he won’t understand a topic that hasn’t even been brought up yet. Worrying that someone from high school will suddenly find him, despite the fact that he hasn’t seen anyone from that place since he left. And of course, constantly worrying about Michael. And at the moment, he’s worried that Michael is going to end up hurt. Or even that Luke will end up hurt. Of course, he knows that they care for each other too much to be anything but careful with each other’s bodies and minds. But that doesn’t stop Calum, worrier extraordinaire.

Honestly, he was worrying so much that it was beginning to distract him. In his final class of the day, when it was getting closer to the impending date, even more so. He wasn’t paying enough attention in class, and hadn’t heard his name when he was called upon. Only hearing it when the teacher repeated his name, louder. “S-sorry?”

The teacher rolled his eyes at him, and repeated the question that Calum had been too lost to hear the first time. Thank god, he knew the answer. But he still felt like punching himself in the face. Sure, no one had laughed at him. No one knew him or cared about him enough to do so. But he was still so fucking stupid. What kind of person pays so little attention that they don’t even hear their own name.

He was working himself into a fit over something that shouldn’t matter. But to him, it did matter. It was just another thing on his massive list of failures.

While walking back to his dorm, he was suppressing tears. He walked as fast as he could without running or looking odd, knowing that he could cry freely as soon as he got to his room. But, he was stopped.

Someone called his name. And unlike in class, not twenty minutes before, he heard it the first time. He didn’t recognize the voice. Which, really, you’d think that he’d be able to, considering that only two people at this school willingly talk to him. But this voice didn’t belong to Luke or Michael. And yet, it seemed familiar, in a way that sent uncomfortable shivers up his spine.

He turned around to see who was calling him and...oh god.

Oh my god.

It’s him. It’s him, in person. The boy he’d prayed he would never see again, despite the fact that they are supposedly supposed to spend our lives together. His soulmate.

Ashton Irwin.

The fucker who ruined Calum’s life, and he’s calling his name.

Calum ran. He ran as fast as he was capable of, which is really quite fast. Or, at least, faster than Ashton. By the time he made it back to my dorm, he was sure that he’d lost him. All the same, Calum hurried into the building, ran up the stairs, and locked the door to his dorm room tight behind him.

The original plan, before he had spotted him, was to just have a good cry. Cry for an hour or so, like he’d do most days. Plans have changed, though. And right now, Calum has no control of his body as it begins to shake and his lungs shrivel up.

Usually, when he has an attack, he has his Mikey there. He always knows what to do to help calm Calum down and return him to relative normality. Actually, Calum has never had an attack by himself . Even if Michael wasn’t there, a family member was. They aren’t as good with Calum as Michael, but they still help.

But right now, Calum is completely alone. He can’t breathe, and the room is beginning to spin. It isn’t long before black dots begin to appear in front of his eyes, confusing his already whirling brain even further.

It isn’t long before he can’t see anything at all. Or, for that matter, feel when his head clips the bedside table as he falls to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened. What did you guys think? Remember to comment and let me know!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I left the last chapter off on a cliffhanger, I'm here to make it up to you guys with a extra long chapter being posted faster than usual!

Calum awoke hours later on the floor to a massive headache and a text from Michael. Luke had invited him to stay the night, and Michael had accepted. He had texted Calum to confirm what was happening, and to make sure that Calum was alright. Of course, Calum lied and said that he was. He couldn't ruin this for Michael too, just because he was feeling like shit.

As he sent the text, he was already feeling dizzy and tired. So, even though the logical part of his brain told him to wake up, he let himself drift off once more. At least this time he managed to get himself on the bed, first.

Michael was having a much better night than Calum, that was for sure. His dates with Luke were always fun. Since they were fairly broke students, they never went anywhere all that expensive. And yet, ice cream in the park, bars that sell excessively cheap beer, and just walking around the city together was incredibly fun.

Tonight was a bar night. It was so close to campus that they hadn’t needed to drive, and the bar was having an open mic night. Some of the acts were better than others, but none were terrible. Decent music and a couple beers made for some pretty giggly and (even though they weren’t even tipsy) handsy boys.

They ended up leaving the bar earlier than they had planned on and walked (rather quickly) back to Luke’s dorm room, stopping every so often for brief kisses against random buildings.

Luke was a very lucky man, in the way that his roommate is rarely actually in their dorm. His soulmate apparently has a single room, so the guy was only in his designated room for the first few weeks. After that, Luke has had the place to himself.

The pair crashed into the room, slamming the door behind them. Michael wasted no time in pressing Luke up against the door, kissing him hard and letting his hands wander all over Luke’s clothed body, Luke mimicking the act.

Luke is just so...perfect. Michael has no clue how the universe decided that he was good enough for someone like this, someone like Luke. But he was, apparently. And he wasn’t about to reject the opinion of the universe.

Michael couldn’t help but let his hands wander under Luke’s shirt, eager to trace every inch of this boy’s body. Luke’s stomach muscles jumped under the touch, tensing slightly. Michael figured that Luke’s body would relax in a few seconds, once he was used to the touch. But that didn't happen. Instead, Luke progressively froze up more and more. Still trying to kiss back, hands still on Michael’s waist, but he was tense as hell. So, Michael broke the kiss. “You okay?”

Luke nodded, but he didn't look so sure. He looked determined, and yet scared. “I-I want to.”

Of course, Michael knew that he wanted to. He was obviously hard and had been eager a few minutes ago. But even though he wanted to, that doesn't always mean that they should. Michael just needed for Luke to admit it. “But…?”

Michael raised an eyebrow, finally separating their bodies a little. Luke looked scared and embarrassed, two things that Michael never wanted Luke to feel, especially because of him. “Come on, babe. What's going on?” Luke shrugged. “Whatever it is, it's okay. Just tell me.”

Luke sighed in resignation, and he finally spoke. He was still clearly full of shame, but he spoke. “I really do want to. I just...I've never done any of this stuff before.”

Right. Well, of course. Michael had kind of figured that. “Yeah, me neither. But that's not it, right?”

Luke nodded. Of course that wasn't it. If that was it, Michael would have already promised to take good care of him. To make this good for both of them. But Michael knew that that wasn't everything. “I don't know. I really want to. I know that it would be good with you. But I just...I don't feel right.”

Michael was pretty sure that he knew what was going on, even if Luke hadn't outright said it. So, he kissed Luke’s cheek lightly, hoping that the gesture would convey that everything was okay. “It's okay. You’re just not ready. That’s okay.”

“You’re not mad? Wasn't I, like, leading you on?”

Michael shook his head. “Course I'm not mad. And no, you weren't leading me on. You just changed your mind. And that's fine, okay? In the future, I want you to always tell me if we’re going something that doesn't feel right. It’s your body, and you have the right to say no.”

Luke sighed, seemingly frustrated with himself. “You’re my soulmate, though. I'm supposed to do this with you.”

Michael shook his head, a little angry with whoever planted these ideas in Luke’s head. Soulmates are not about sex. They are not about physical actions. They are about emotional connections, not physical. Any physical stuff is a bonus, not a necessity. “No. We absolutely do not need to have sex. Not ever, if that's what you want. I like you, okay? I like your body, of course. I think that you’re the most beautiful person in the world. But I like who you are as a person. We don't need sex to have a connection.”

Resigned, but much calmer, Luke said “Okay. I...thank you. For understanding.”

Michael smiled softly at his soulmate. “Course, babe. Now, do you want me to leave? I get it if me staying would make you uncomfortable. I won't be mad.”

Shyly, Luke shook his head. “Would you stay? I know that I'm kind of leaving you hanging, but would you stay? Just to cuddle and sleep?”

Of course, Michael agreed. Cuddles and sleep are some of his favourite things, after all.

Luke lent Michael some clothes to sleep in (Michael was delighted with the way Luke’s clothes hung loosely off of him) and the pair crawled into Luke’s too small bed. They didn't care about the space issue, though. It just meant that they had to be closer together.

“Lukey?” Luke hummed in response, continuing to rub a hand up and down Michael’s side. “Can I tell you something? About Calum.”

Of course, that got Luke’s attention. He didn't adjust their position, they stayed with Luke sort of using Michael as a pillow. “Anything, as long as he's okay with me knowing.”

Luke knew the boundaries. Knew that there were just certain things that he couldn't ask about. Learned the signs when he said something that got too close for comfort. He knew that this was all because Calum hadn't been ready before.

“He's ready. I asked for his permission, and he gave it. He trusts you. I'm not allowed to talk about some things, but I can tell you most of it.”

“I don't need to know. If it's better for him if I don't know, then I'd rather you didn't tell me,” Luke said, giving Michael an easy out.

Michael didn't take it. “I think it would be a good thing if you knew. I think it would help you understand why we are the way we are. Plus, it might help Calum open up. Like, if he knows that you accept the stuff I tell you, it might help him be more comfortable with you. Plus, I won't have to hide things from you anymore.”

“Okay. If you both want to.”

“Don't talk until I finish, okay? There's a lot to get through.” Michael paused. He had been waiting to tell Luke everything for ages. But now, he’s having trouble connecting a speech. He knows that something things are going to end up jumbled. He just hopes that Luke will be able to understand.

“Okay, so, Calum used to be in love with the soulmate system. Like, absolutely obsessed with it. When we were little, he was so excited to meet his soulmate. We’d have late night talks about what we wanted our soulmates to be like. He'd dream about a boy who would treat him like the treasure he is.”

Michael took a shaky breath. He doesn't know how he's going to get through all of this, if his voice is already starting to quiver. “Anyway, the night before his sixteenth birthday, he was so excited. He was so sure that his tattoo would be lovely. He was hoping for a compliment or a name. Just something nice to hold onto until he met them, you know? But, um, it didn't work out that way. His tattoo is really bad.”

Michael hates the words that cover Calum’s skin. But he needs to say it. Needs to do it so that Luke understands. “His soulmate calls him a faggot.” Luke’s breath hitches, but he stays silent. “Says ‘fuck off, faggot.’ That’s what Calum’s tattoo says. At that point, he’d only come out to his family and me. He'd never heard that word directed at himself before. But it's his tattoo. He's got that disgusting word stuck on his skin.”

Michael wiggled, no longer comfortable. Not because of the position they lay in, though. Because of the twisting in his stomach that the story gave him. He’s never had to tell anyone about this before, and it feels wrong to relive it, even if he wasn’t the one who went through all of it. “He broke down, obviously. Called me while he was having a panic attack. That was his first panic attack ever, and it was his soulmate's fault. Even after the attack was over, he was so miserable. I mean, how could be not be?

Anyway, Calum used to be really popular. On the football team and everything. So there was a party being thrown for him. He just wanted to forget for a night. That's all. He just wanted to get drunk enough that he forgot why he was so sad, just for one night. So, um, he did. I stayed pretty sober, but he was fucking smashed. Much more drunk than I'd ever seen him before.

He was with his friends, right? I thought he'd be okay if I left, just for a few minutes while I went to the bathroom. But he wasn't. I guess these guys had been bugging him about his tattoo, but Calum obviously didn't want them to see. By the time if gotten there, they’d pretty much stripped him bare. They saw the tattoo, and they knew that he’s gay. He didn't even get to come out on his terms. His friends took his clothes off by force, and his soulmate’s words told them. By the time I got there, everyone was yelling and shoving him. As soon as I got to him, they turned on me a bit too. Calum got dressed and I tried to shield him a bit, but they just kept yelling at us.

Nothing was the same after that. I guess that we just didn't go to an accepting school. Calum went from being popular, to a target. They got at me, too. But never as bad as Calum got it. They'd just push me around and call me names. Calum got that, and so much worse.

They used to do these horrible things to him. They made him quit the football team. He probably would have quit eventually, since it was the football team who got at him most. But they threatened him. He used to be so good. He was supposed to be captain. Supposed to get scholarships. They ruined that for him.

It was other stuff too. They stole his homework, sabotaged everything at his first, and only, job until he was forced to leave. Wrote on his locker so often, that the cleaning staff had to give up on cleaning it up. Ruined his stuff. Keyed his car. They even properly beat him up a few times. They did everything they could to ruin his life.

One time, only a few months after his sixteenth birthday, he had gym class last period. He'd had a shower after class, and they stole his clothes and towel without him realizing. This one guy had them, and he made Calum walk out across the room in front of everyone there. I don't know how many people it was, cause I wasn’t there, but it was more than enough. The guy made him jump for his clothes until he got tired of it, and threw his clothes across the room. Made him dress in front of all of them. It was disgusting, is what it was. I think he still has nightmares about it.

Another time, probably about a year and a half ago, some guys, I still don't know who they were, grabbed him after school. Carried him outside, taped him up so that he couldn't move at all, and tossed him in the dumpster, like he was just another piece of trash.

I found him like that. He made this horrible noise, I thought that he was an injured dog or something. I found him in there, hauled him out. He could hardly breathe in there. Not much fresh air got in, you know? If he'd been stuck in there for much longer, some serious damage might have been done to his body.

But, um, it did some really bad mental damage. I mean, being stuck in a dark space and hardly being able to breathe or move. I don't know what he must have been thinking while he was in there, but I know that it wasn't good. He was already having an attack when we got back to my house, but I made it worse. I took him up to my room, and I shut the door. My room was almost completely dark, and he started freaking out. Had to open the blinds and door and turn on the lights before he could breathe again.

It's still an issue. He's majorly claustrophobic. He can't even be in a car without the windows open. And, well, he's scared of the dark, too. As long as there's some light in a room, he's fine. But he hates the night. If he's outside at night, it helps to have someone he trusts holding onto him, grounding him. But for inside during the night, well, he'd probably be really embarrassed that I'm telling you, but he needs a nightlight. We've got one in our room. He’ll have an attack without it.

So, like, when you’re in our room, don't make fun of him for it. He is embarrassed about it. Really, he's embarrassed about it all. None of it is his fault, but he feels like it is. He's embarrassed that he let this stuff happen to him.”

Michael was crying, softly. Still able to talk, but voice wobbly and wet. When he paused to catch his breath, it made sense that Luke would have thought that he was done. Luke, who's eyes were watering up, too, said “God, Mikey. How is...how is he even alive, after all of that.”

“That isn't it.” Michael said, trying to wipe away tears that just kept pouring out. “There's other things, especially one thing that this guy did to him that I can't tell you about. But there's other stuff, aside from the bullies.

He, um, he met his soulmate. At the end of year ten, after the last class on the last day. His name was Ashton. Ashton Irwin. They'd already known who each other were, but they'd never spoken, not even before all of this started. Calum never really told me much about it, it hurt him too much. But what I'm pretty sure happened, is that they ran into each other. And Ashton pushed him, so hard that Calum hit his head and it left a bump, and he said those words at him.

That's it. Calum hasn't seen him since, and he doesn't ever want to. I mean, this is the person that is supposed to make Calum feel most at home. Make him feel safe and comfortable and happy. The person that Calum had been dreaming about for years. And yet, this is what he gets. He gets a person who destroys his life.

He hates himself, so much. He used to be confident with himself. Used to be so sure of everything he did. Now, well, you know what he's like. He's scared of everything, and rightfully so. Everyone turned on him, and they hurt him. He's so scared that every person he meets is going to do the same thing.

And he...h-he told me that he's thought about killing himself. He feels that if the person who is supposed to love him most, doesn't, that there isn't any point in him living anymore. But, do you know why he's still here? He says that the only reasons he hasn't done it already, is that he doesn't want to hurt his family more than he thinks that he already has, and that he doesn't want to leave me all alone. Do you get how shit that is? He had it so much worse, and yet he’s still worried about me. And I know that this is selfish, but do you get how much this sucks for me? To know that the only reason my best friend hasn't brained himself, is because of me? I don't know which way to think of it is worse. That my best friend continues to suffer everyday of his life because of me, or that if I fuck up, then he is certain to kill himself? I'm scared for him, Lukey. I know all of his triggers, but it's just a matter of time before something else happens. It's going to be the straw that breaks that camel's back. And he's gonna be gone. One more thing, and my best friend, my person, will die.”

By this point, Michael’s tears stop being so gentle. He doesn't remember the last time he was able to vent like this. Or vent at all, really. Hasn't been able to just have a good cry in far too long. So now, when he’s cradled in Luke’s arms, he can't help it. He lets himself break down and cry like he needs to.

A good cry can fix things, sometimes. Relieve small amount of pressure in your head. Clear your mind, just a little. It works for Michael as well as it can. He's tired from the sobbing, but he feels just a little lighter. Like he isn't the only one shouldering this anymore. He can't expect for Luke to take over as Calum’s safety, but at least he’ll be a second person who understands.

Michael knows that there are questions questions coming. So he waits in silence.

“Michael?”

“Yeah?”

“Is he safe by himself right now? Should he really be left alone?”

“He's not going to randomly kill himself. He doesn't have a plan or anything. And, I mean, I know how he is. When something bad happens, his body pretty much shuts down. That’s what attacks are like for him. By the time he’d be capable of finding a way to do it, I’d be there. As long as he has me, he won’t do anything.”

“So he, um, he still has attacks?”

Michael nodded into Luke's chest. “All the time, whenever anything bad happens. He's only had one or two while we've been here, which is really good for him. But yeah, he still has them.”

“I...I understand, now. I understand why he needs you. I love being with you, but I understand why he needs to be your focus. And I definitely won't resent either of you for it. I, um, I want to help. Such a sweet boy doesn't deserve so much suffering.”

“You would have loved him before, Lukey. He was like the sun. So bright and full of energy, all the time. So confident, too.”

“He can be like that again. But until that day, we’ll love him as he is. I really do want to help, Mikey. What can I do?”

“Just be there. Just try and understand. What he really needs is people who he knows won't judge him. Who will let him do what he needs to do without making him feel bad for it. He just needs a friend, Lukey. I want so bad for him to get back just a little of what he had before. To be confident in even a little aspect of himself. To be able to talk to people without panicking. To exist without being as scared. That's all I want. He just needs a friend. That's all.”

“Okay, Mikey. I'm already his friend. But, in, maybe knowing this stuff will help. You know? Like you said before, he'll know that I'll never judge him for the bad things that other people have said and done to him.”

“Thank you, Lukey.” For a moment the two just breathed. Michael had calmed himself down and wasn’t crying anymore, and Luke was processing everything. Michael broke the silence with soft words. “You know, I was so scared for my tattoo. I was so scared that it was going to be like Calum’s. But it wasn't. The second I saw it, I knew that you had to be good. I knew that only the best kind of person would say that to a total stranger. But, you're so much better than I'd ever imagined. Know that, Luke. Calum is my focus, but that does not mean that you aren't wonderful, in every way. You are so perfect. Always know that, Luke.”

“You too, Mikey. You are so special. You've totally dedicated yourself to making your best friend happy. It takes a lot of strength to keep doing that. But I think that you forget that you're important too. That's why I'm yours, I think. To remind you that you are as wonderful as you say I am, and to make sure that you always feel loved. Remember that. No matter what, you are important and you are loved.”

The two fell asleep in each other's arms. And though Luke has new proof as to why the world is a terrible place, he has never felt more content. Michael’s sleep hadn’t been so restful in years.

In the morning, the only reason that the pair left the bed, let alone the room, was because Luke had to go to a study group session. Still, the pair went to a cafe on campus for some breakfast before the session. And Michael walked Luke all the way to where the study group was meeting, Not that he minded, because it gave him more time to kiss Luke goodbye. Of course, Michael knew that he would be seeing Luke again soon, probably later in the day or early the next, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t kissing Luke against the wall until he had to leave. Luke didn’t mind one bit.

Michael walked slowly back to the dorms, enjoying the pleasant weather for once. Usually he wouldn’t care, but he was in too much of a good mood not to notice how nice everything seems.

His mood was ruined the second he stepped into his own room.

Calum looks like shit. Though he’s asleep, he looks exhausted. He looks pale as hell and the dark circles under his eyes almost resemble bruises. But, worse than that, he’s got a gash on his forehead. It’s all dried up now, but the blood has dried all over his face. He looks dead. Fuck, he could be dead.

Michael rushes to his side, immediately pressing fingers to his wrist. There’s a pulse. Normal. Even. He’s okay, in that way. But he still has a head wound, and he obviously passed out before he was able to clean it up and stop the bleeding.

He was quick to start shaking Calum awake, saying the boy’s name over and over until, finally, he opened his eyes. He opened and shut them a few times sleepily before finally keeping them open, though he squinted, probably at the brightness in the room despite the fact that Michael hadn’t even turned on the lights.

“Cal? Cally? Can you hear me?” Calum grumbled in response, rolling over. “Babe, look at me. You hurt yourself. Cut your head open. What happened? Do you remember what happened?”

Calum turned his head once more to look at Michael, still squinting. “Fell.”

“I can see that, babe. What happened?” Calum grumbled, not answering. “Babe, you can go back to sleep after. But first you need to tell me what happened, and you need to let me clean you up. Your face is all bloody. Come on, sit up.” Michael made Calum sit up against the headboard, careful with his damaged head. “Do you remember what happened?”

Calum looked drowsy, though at least now he wasn’t squinting as much. “Had an attack. Couldn’t get any air in. Passed out. Woke up. Texted you back. Got in bed. Back to sleep.”

He had an attack, and he didn’t even mention it in the text. He always tells Michael when he has attacks. Or, then again, maybe he doesn’t. As far as Michael had known, he had been present for all of Calum’s attacks, except for the couple when his parents had been there instead. Who knows if there are any more that he had missed. But right now, it sure seems like Calum won’t be speaking enough to answer.

The only bright side was that Michael knows enough that he’s pretty sure that he won’t need to take Calum to a doctor. He had taken a first-aid course the summer after Calum got beat up for the first time. He had wanted to be able to take care of his friend, just in case. It was paying off now.

“I’m so sorry that that happened to you, babe. I’m gonna try and make you feel better. I need to check for a concussion, okay?” He grabbed his phone out of his pocket, turning on the flashlight. “This is going to be a bit bright, but I need you to keep your eyes open until I say you can close them.”

Calum looked completely uncomfortable, but at least his pupils were reacting normally. Which means that he didn’t have a concussion. He was just acting like he might have one due to passing out and being extra tired. Michael would still wake him up again in a few hours, though. Just to be safe.

“Okay, you can keep your eyes shut now. I’m going to clean you up now, okay? And then you’re going to need to change.” Michael grabbed his first-aid kit out from under his bed, poking through it for a moment until he found what he needed.

He cleaned the blood off first, with just some water from a bottle they had lying around and a flannel. He tried to be gentle, but he knew that it was hurting Calum based on the way he winced. “I’m sorry, baby. Now, this is going to sting” Michael said as he pulled out the disinfectant “But I promise it won’t be for long.”

Calum let out a pained whine as soon as Michael went to work. But other than that, he stayed silent. He hated to say it, but Michael knew that Calum had a high tolerance for pain.

Michael was sure to work quickly, finishing cleaning the wound and then bandaging it up. “Okay, Cally, you're done. You can go back to sleep now, if you want. I'll wake you again soon, but you can sleep for now.”

Calum didn't need to be told twice. He nestled back into the pillow and within seconds, he was out like a light.

Once Calum was no longer there to distract him, Michael’s mind went into a whirlwind. How long has Calum been lying there? Was it right for Michael to not take him to the hospital? How many attacks has Calum had when he was by himself? Were any of them this bad? What triggered the attack in the first place?

Michael had no way to get answers. He wouldn't until Calum awoke again. And even then, who knows if Calum will tell him.

It never occurred to him to call Luke. Or even just to text him. This is a Calum and Michael thing. Michael taking care of Calum. Fixing him up. Never a doctor or parent, or especially another friend (since there hadn’t been any) to help. Or to even inform, since Calum had kept most of the bullying from his family. Michael was used to keeping secrets.

So, when Luke showed up two hours later, Luke was in total shock with what he found. Calum was still asleep, of course. The first aid kit was sitting on the desk, still open. And Michael was sitting on his bed, a textbook and notebook beside him like he had planned to study, but was now just twiddling his thumbs. Muttering to himself. “Michael...what the fuck happened here?”

Michael jumped in surprise. He hadn’t heard Luke enter, hadn’t even checked his phone for Luke’s text to announce that he was coming over. He had been too distracted with worry. “H-he fell. He said he had an attack and he couldn’t breathe and he fell. I don’t know what happened.”

Luke could tell that Michael was having a bit of an internal panic. He wasn’t having an attack, like Calum did. He was just letting his brain work too fast. Progressively working himself up more and more. Luke knew that probably the only thing that could make Michael relax completely was Calum telling him that he was honestly okay. But, obviously, that wouldn’t be happening anytime soon. Luke had to try and do what he could, while also assessing the situation. 

Luke moved the notebook out of the way so that he could sit precariously beside Michael.“He’s okay, Mikey. You patched him up, yeah?”

Michael nodded. “Took a first aid course for him. He hates hospitals, always has. Took the course so he didn’t have to go ever.”

“Good, I’m sure that helps. Best to keep him away from places that make him anxious. But, are you sure he doesn’t need to go? It looks like he might have hit his head pretty bad.”

Michael shook his head. “No, he’s just tired. I woke him up. Had a cut on his head, blood everywhere. Cleaned it up. Disinfected and bandaged. Checked for a concussion, too. He doesn’t have one, but I’m waking him up again in an hour or so anyway, just in case.”

“It sounds like you took care of him, as well as any doctor would have.” Hearing the reassuring words, Michael relaxed a little. He was still tense as hell, but Luke wasn’t as worried about him anymore. “Do you know how long it’s been since he passed out?”

Michael shrugged. “It was yesterday, probably sometime after his class. He said that he had an attack and passed out on the floor. And then he woke up, texted me back, and got in bed. So, I’d say at least sixteen hours. Probably more. He’s gonna be hungry when he properly wakes up, then. I don’t think he would have eaten since lunch yesterday.”

Luke nodded. “Okay. I can go pick him up something in a bit, so that you don’t have to leave him.”

“Thank you, Lukey. I just...I can’t leave him alone. I’ve never left him alone before. Especially not...not when something bad happened. M’sorry I didn’t tell you. I should have, he’s your friend, too. But I’ve never had anyone to tell before. He didn’t want his family to know how bad it was, the teachers never listened, and we didn’t have any friends. It’s just been me, ever since things got bad. It’s always just been me taking care of him, so I forgot about you.”

“It’s okay.” Luke put an arm around Michael’s shoulders, pulling him a little closer. “M’not mad that you didn’t call me. You reacted the way you always did, and that’s just fine. But you’re not alone in this anymore, okay? Calum has been hurt so many times, but that doesn’t mean that you haven’t been hurt too. And that means that you need to be taken care of sometimes, too. I’m sorry to say it, but this is all too much for you to handle. You can’t take care of him as well as you do, and also care for yourself. You need to let me in, let me help. I don’t want to see either of you hurt, especially not because everything is just too much. Let me shoulder a bit of this.

And that starts with you talking to me. Last night was a really good start. But I know that there’s more of that in you. More of your fears and anxieties that have been bottled up inside of you for years. I know that you don’t talk to Calum about that, for the most part. And that isn’t bad. But you need to talk to someone, or your head will explode. Let me do that, at least. Let me take care of you, so that you can take care of him.”

As Luke had spoken, Michael curled in on himself. Finally, when Luke was done, Michael nodded, clearly embarrassed. He isn’t used to anyone speaking to himself like that. Calum isn’t a bad friend. He asks. He asks Michael just as often as Michael asks him. He likes to know what is going on in Michael’s life when they’re apart, or when they’re together. He asks about how Michael is feeling. But, the thing is, Michael often says that he is better than he is. He has no other choice but to do so. There are some things that he has told Calum, but that was more on the level of just school. Stress, and nothing else. He isn’t used to so much focus being placed on him and his feeling. But he’ll do it. If that is what Luke wants, then he’ll try. “Okay.”

“Good. Can we start now?” Michael nodded. “When I came in here, you looked a little out of it. Muttering to yourself and everything. Can you tell me what that was about?”

Again, Michael shrugged, but spoke anyway. “Worried about him, as usual. I mean, the one night that I’m away, this happens. I don’t regret spending that time with you. But I just wonder whether or not this would have happened if I had been there. If it’s my fault that he’s got a bit gash on his forehead. I mean, he’s self conscious enough as it is. Now he’s got a big thing on his face to worry about. It might scar, too, and then he’ll have to explain how he got it to his family. Maybe I could have talked him down from it. I always do. And, I mean, I thought that he wasn’t having any attacks like this anymore. As far as I know, his last attack before this was almost three weeks ago. I have no clue if this is the first he’s had by himself before. Plus, I don’t even know what triggered this. I don’t know if anyone is picking on him or if this was just stress or what. And if I don’t know what it is, I won’t be able to help him with it. I was freaking out about all of that.”

“Okay, thanks for telling me all of that.That’s...that’s a lot for you to be stressing out about. This isn’t your fault, not one bit. You can’t always be there with him, that’s impossible and unhealthy. Things are going to happen when you’re not there, and that isn’t your fault. And Calum is going to be just fine, he always is. You take care of him so well, and so will I. He’s going to be okay. We’ll make sure that he’s okay.”

Calum woke up an hour and a half later. He wasn’t quite as out of it as he had been a few hours prior, especially once he ate the sandwich and apple that Luke had brought for him. He talked to Michael. Told him when he had the attack, how it had felt, how it happened, all of it. Except, Calum lied.

He had never outright lied to Michael before. He’s withheld details but he’s never lied before. But, unfortunately, there’s a first time for everything.

Instead of what actually happened, Calum told him that he had had a class presentation that day that had gone badly. That he was sure he had failed it. And, somehow, Michael believed him. Calum felt so guilty for hiding something, especially something so important, from Michael. But in the end, he felt that he had no choice. He knew that if he told Michael, that that would just be another thing on his pile to worry about. He would get even more protective.

It isn’t that he doesn’t appreciate all that Michael does for him, because he does. He appreciates it so much. He has no clue what he’d do or where he’d be if he had to deal with this by himself. But sometimes...sometimes he feels like he needs to be alone. He needs Michael most of the time, but Calum likes having just a few minutes outside by himself.

He’s been cooped up inside for so long. He doesn’t remember the last time he just sat outside on the grass and enjoyed the sun. And while he can’t have quite that luxury, walking on grass under the sun in between classes is close enough. He needs it.

Michael bought it. He cuddled Calum close and told him that he presentation probably hadn’t gone as bad as he thought. And after that, after the three of them just spent a quiet day together, the subject was dropped. It was assumed that he would be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Calum :( Also poor Michael :( Though I did like progressing the Muke relationship :)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'd love to hear what you guys thought!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	6. Chapter 6

It turned out that Luke being told about Calum’s past was a very good thing. Not only did it help him to understand Calum as a person, it gave him information on how to help Calum grow.

Calum has a comfort zone. It’s very small. If the size of his comfort zone were to be placed inside of a box, it could fit inside a matchbox with room to spare. But that doesn’t mean that he isn’t capable of trying things. And one day, maybe a week after the panic attack, Luke found an opportunity.

It was a flyer, just a piece of pale green paper with some words and a simple stock graphic. But, really, it was perfect.

Their university has a campus radio station. It’s really not that popular, but a fair amount of students will turn it on every so often. This is exactly what the flyer was advertising, an opening. The station is looking for someone new to run a show Monday to Friday 4-8 p.m.

Obviously, Calum doesn’t like talking to people. He gets far too nervous as soon as he sees people looking at him. But, well, Luke is at least a little sure that this could help. No one would be looking at him, he would be by himself in a booth. Sure, there would probably be some people outside the booth, but that might not be a big deal.

When Luke handed him the flyer, Calum said no right away. This wasn’t his kind of thing. Sure, he loves music and loves talking about music. But...people. There are bound to be people in the studio. And obviously there will be people listening all the time, dozens at time at least. Plus, there’s no way that he would be hired on the spot, he would probably have to audition. And who the hell would hire some kid who stutters all the fucking time.

But, honestly, this is perfect. Luke is right, this would be a good way to help him get better with talking to people. And, for the most part, he would be able to plan out what would be involved in his show ahead of time, in terms of what he would talk about in the short span of time when he wouldn’t be playing music. Plus there’s the fact that he could definitely use a job.

So, Calum showed up to the studio at the date and time specified. There was only three other people there, two girls and a guy. The girl who showed up (very) high was sent away pretty quickly. Thus leaving only Calum and two other candidates.

Luckily for Calum, reliability was something that they were looking for. The person that they were replacing had been fired after only being here for a month and a half thanks to the fact that they would just randomly not show up and that they wouldn’t have a good reason. This went well for Calum, considering that he hasn’t missed a class at University so far, and had had a near perfect attendance record before.

Unfortunately, there were some questions that weren’t so easy for Calum. They asked about why he had only had one job before, and why he had been there for less than a month. And they asked about why he had quit football in the middle of the season. Because while his actual school record was great, his record with things outside of school weren’t.

He had no choice but to tell the truth.

The two senior students who ran the radio station were interviewing him, and they seemed very nice. They didn’t roll his eyes when he stuttered or say anything mean directly to him. So he told them. Not in detail, of course. He just told the pair that he had been bullied for two and a half years in high school. Told him that students on the football team forced him to quit, and some other students had sabotaged his work, He also made sure to mention that, as far as he knew, none of the students that had bothered him in school had come here, so that was unlikely to happen again.

After that, they talked about music, a topic that Calum will always be ready and willing to talk about. The fact that he is actually studying music certainly helps with his overall knowledge.

Once the interviews were finally over, the three were sent away with a promise of a phone call within a couple days to let them know whether they’ve got the job or not.

Good news came two days later. He had beaten out the other two candidates, and earned that four hour radio show. Of course, the heads of the station wanted to work with him for a few days before he went on air. And he was supposed to watch a few of the other hosts work, to give him an idea of what to do. And at the moment, his position was pretty precarious because he would be so easy to fire. But, he got the job.

Michael and Luke were over the moon for him. Took him out a dinner that night to celebrate, showering him with praise.

Of course, Michael was still nervous for him. Worried that someone would send him a form of hate for the show, on or off air. That he might become a target of some sort. That something will happen to Calum because of this show that will ruin all the progress that he has made.

All the same, he’s excited for him. Luke was right, this could be so good for him. If none of Michael’s fears come true, then only good things coul come from this.

Calum started going to work. The first few days were stressful and tiring. All of his spare time was spent at the studio, meeting everyone and watching other hosts doing their shows. Aside from that, he was being taught everything he needed to know about how to actually host a radio show. It was a lot of information being stuffed in his head at once.

But, he fucking loved it. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so capable of doing anything by himself. Or when other people thought he was capable of doing anything.

The day of his first show was nerve wracking. He knew that he had stuttered a bit, particularly whenever he took calls for requests. He was half expecting to be fired the moment he stepped out of the booth with how badly he believed he had performed. But that hadn’t happened. He was critiqued on a few things, but he wasn’t fired. Instead, he was patted on the back and told that they’d see him again tomorrow.

And they did. He went back every day and ran the show. And with each day, he improved. After a few weeks, he was hardly stuttering at all. His listener counts were higher than the previous two people who had run this show before him. People really seemed to like the music he was playing (and the lack of repeated songs) and what he was saying.

He made sure not to make anything in the show too personal, though that would be usually desired in a radio host. All his listeners knew about him was that his name is Calum and that he is a freshman. Calum keeps it that way, so that no one will approach him in person about the show, only to be disappointed in who he really is.

All in all, that part of his life was going really well. Sure, he had lost a bit of homework time for it. But his grades weren’t suffering and he still had time to sleep enough, so he didn’t care.

While his new job was going well and was making him very happy, another part of his life wasn’t going so well. It wasn’t just one time that Calum was spotted by Ashton. It happened again and again.

Calum always ignored him, ducking his head and curling in on himself as he speed walked away. It seemed like this guy was everywhere. Calling his name and chasing after him. He never touched Calum, and he since Calum started driving instead of walking he wasn't worried about Ashton catching him. But it was still unsettling as hell to be followed as he walked out of his last class of the day, every single day. This was another reason that Calum was sure to never give away personal details, so that Ashton didn’t follow him in and out of work, too.

He still never told Michael. Honestly, with how busy Calum was lately and with Michael being distracted by his growing relationship with Luke, he wasn’t getting much Michael time anymore. He didn’t want to ruin the time that they did have together crying to him. Calum wasn’t having attacks because of Ashton anymore, because he would always have go right to work after he saw him. He wasn’t lying to Michael about attacks, but he was still lying whenever he said that he was okay.

It was only a matter of time, really. Only a matter of time before Ashton got tired of just following him. Before he took his actions further. Calum should have been expecting it, really. But he wasn’t.

One night a month and a half after he had begun with his show, Calum had stayed late for a meeting. Just a review of his performance. He left the room feeling pretty okay about himself and with a couple notes of what he could work on.

He was walking through of the building that housed the studio, on his way to the exit. But then he was spotted by Ashton. It was impossible. Calum had never seen Ashton in this building before, especially not when Calum was leaving work.

By the time Calum spotted Ashton, after he had called Calum’s name, there wasn't enough time for him to escape. Calum tried to run, but Ashton was too quick this time. And this time he did touch Calum, grabbing his arm.

Calum tried to escape him, struggling against Ashton’s grip. But Calum wasn't strong enough, especially when Ashton pulled him into the storage closet that happened to be right beside him.

“I’m sorry I had to do this, but I really need to talk to you. I don't know if you remember me, but I'm your soulmate and...are you okay?”

Ashton asked, because Calum was breathing far too hard. And though he can't see in such a dark space, he can hear Calum’s hands clambering for purchase on the walls.

No, Calum isn't okay. He's a claustrophobic boy who is afraid of the dark who is stuck in a pitch black closet with another person who is blocking the door. Furthermore, that person is the person that he fears most in the world. So he is not okay at all. He’s passed the beginning of an attack, he already can't breath and he's begun crying hard.

“P-panic attack.” Calum stuttered put in between gasps for breath. “O-open d-door.”

Thank god, Ashton listened. He opened the door, letting light spill in. Calum dove for the opening, getting himself out of the confined space as fast as he could.

Though he is out in the open now, the attack didn't subside. Calum is still finding it more or less impossible to do anything as basic as getting air into his lungs, let alone staying upright. So he dropped to the ground against the wall, pulling his knees into his chest as he kept trying his hardest to just breath.

Ashton was clueless on what to do. Maybe he didn’t think his actions through, but he had thought that if he got Calum stuck in a space with him, that he would have no choice but to let him speak. He didn’t think that his soulmate would have a panic attack.

Ashton had never been around someone having an attack before. Had never had to try and help someone through one. But he had done a little bit of research before. A person he knew sort of well had once mentioned that they have attacks sometimes, so Ashton looked into the subject a little bit.

He got on the ground in front of Calum and spoke as softly as he could manage. “You’re okay, Calum. I know that you’re scared, but you’re safe here. Is there anything I can do to help you?” Calum didn’t answer, too occupied with the sobs shattering through his chest. “Okay, we need to, um, we need to even out your breathing. If you can hear me, try and match my breathing.

And of course, because Ashton is a massive fucking idiot, he tried to get Calum’s attention in the worst way possible. By touching him.

His fingers barely brushed Calum’s sweater covered arm before Calum was shooting away from him, getting a few feet between them and pressing himself up against the wall even more than before. “D-don’t touch me!”

Ashton just made it worse. He was trying to help, but he only made it worse. His presence isn’t helping and he knows it. But at the same time, he knows that he can’t just leave Calum here by himself. “I’m sorry. Shit, I’m sorry. I should have asked before touching you. But, um, y-you still need to even out your breathing, before you make yourself sick. I know that you don’t like me very much, but can you try and breath with me? In and out. In and out.” Ashton said, breathing slowly with each word.

Now, this is familiar to Calum. This is what Michael does with him, whenever he helps him through an attack. And though Ashton is half of the reason for Calum’s attack in the first place, this is the closest he can get to real help. Which he needs desperately, considering what happened the last (and the only) time he was without help for an attack.

Ashton isn’t very good at this, his own breathing too shaky. But all the same, it helps. And before he becomes terribly light headed, Calum evens out his breathing. He still feels uncomfortably warm, an occasional side effect, his heart is still slightly fast, his body is still quaking, and he still has a few tears escaping down his cheeks, he’s coherent and no longer close to passing out.

But, he’s still stuck in the middle of a hallway at ten at night with a man who terrifies him.

From what he's read, Ashton knows that just because a person evens out their breathing, it does not mean that they are okay. It just means that they can breath. So he dug through his bag and pulled out a water bottle that he thankfully hadn't drank out of. "Drink this, it might help."

Calum took the bottle with a shaking hand and chugged it. He pulled it away from his mouth, and handed it back to Ashton. Calum rubbed at his face with the back of his hand, trying to get rid himself of all the disgusting remnants of his breakdown but failing for the most part. "Th-thanks."

"It's okay," Ashton said, tucking the bottle back into his bag. "We should, um, we should get you out of here. This probably isn't the best place for you to be right now. Did you drive here or..."

Calum nodded, then looked at his hands. Still shaking like mad. "Sh-shit. I c-can't drive like this."

"Okay. It's okay. We'll get you home." Ashton gave him a hand up. Just like his hands, Calum's legs were wobbly. "Is your car here?" Calum nodded. "I know that you probably hate me, but can I drive you home? Is that okay?"

And, well, Calum had no choice. He knew that he wouldn't be able to make it all the way across campus in the time that he needed to. He had to accept.

Luckily, his car is right out front. There's a parking spot there for the hosts, for convenience sake to avoid being late. So they didn't have to walk for long. "Where do you live?" Calum rattled off the building name.

For a minute or so, the drive was silent. But Ashton couldn't hold back any longer. He's been waiting for this moment for nearly two and a half years. The moment isn't like he'd hoped it would be, but he needs to take the opportunity he gets.

"Calum? I know that I should have never said that to you. I was stupid and cruel, I get that now. I know that me saying such a thing, and you having to have those words on you, has probably caused you so much pain, but I just want you to know how sorry I am. For saying it, and for hurting you."

Again, the car was filled with silence for a brief few seconds. That is, until Calum sniffled and said "how did you know I was a fag?"

Had Calum been looking at Ashton and not out the window, he would have seen Ashton wince at the horrible word. But all the same, Ashton answered "I heard that you were gay from some of my friends, a few months before we, um, we met."

"How did they find out?" Calum asked, voice quivering in pain. Ashton said nothing, because he honestly didn't know. So Calum filled him in. "My friends found out at my sixteenth birthday party. I was so upset that day, because of what I'd woken up with. I just wanted to forget for one last night. So, I got really fucking drunk.

Obviously, everyone wanted to see the tattoo. I told them that it was just in an inappropriate place, so I figured that they'd leave it alone. I figured I could convince my mom to let me get a coverup in time for football season, so no one would ever have to know. But it didn't work out like that."

Calum took a shaky breath as he described the few minutes that have given him nightmares for years, and sent his life to hell. Ashton stayed silent through it all, letting the other boy tell of his suffering.

"My friends held me down, and pulled my clothes off. They saw the tattoo, and were so fucking disgusted with me. Suddenly everyone was screaming at me and pushing me. Mikey got me out of there before anything bad happened, but my life was over after that."

Ashton felt like he was stabbed, right through the heart. But really, he deserves to feel such pain and more for what he did. For making this boy, his soulmate, suffer. Still, he remained silent.

"You ruined my life, Ashton. My life was really nice before. But since I got the tattoo, everything is terrible. Honestly, it is. I was bullied for years. They called me names, shoved me around, made me quit football, made me lose my first job, keyed my car, pranked me in...in really cruel ways. Beat me up, too. And they messed with Mikey.

And now...now I'm so fucked up. I mean, really. I'm claustrophobic, obviously. And I've got really bad anxiety. To the point where I can hardly function in public. And, fuck, I've got depression. I've never, um, seen anyone about this stuff. Never been diagnosed. But I don't think you can be like me, feel like I do, and not be."

Tears started to fall from Calum's eyes once more. Finally, he could tell him. Tell this man just how he hurt him. Make him understand his pain. And as he kept going, his frustration and anger spilled out.

I lost everything because of you, Ashton. I really did. I lost scholarship opportunities, my job, my friends, my sanity. Fuck, Ashton, I'd still be a virgin if it weren't for you!"

He didn't mean to say that. He didn't mean to. No one, aside from Michael, knew about that. He shouldn't have said that, not to Ashton.

"What...what do you mean by that."

Ashton was shocked. Disgusted. Not with Calum, with all those people who did these thing to him.

"I-I d-didn't mean to s-say that. I d-don't want to t-talk about that."

Sensing that Calum was about to send himself into another attack, Ashton spoke carefully. Not wanting to mess anything up more than he clearly already has, Ashton said "that's okay. You don't have to tell me anything."

Thankfully, he pulled up to the dorm. He had Calum direct him to his parking spot. He parked and the pair walked out. Ashton couldn't leave him like this, especially with the way Calum seems to be struggling to stay upright.

Ashton rounded the car to where Calum was walking slowly. "Is it okay if I touch you?" After hesitating for a second, Calum nodded. Ashton put an arm around Calum. "Here, you can lean on me. Just tell me where to take you."

Unfortunately for Calum, the dorm lacks an elevator that they have access to. So there is a fair few stairs for them to climb. Fortunately for Ashton, that gave him more time to talk. "You have the right to be mad at me. To hate me, even. But I just...I really do need you to know that I'm sorry. I...I wish I'd had known that all these things had been happening to you. I mean, obviously I knew that people picked on you. But I never knew that it was that bad. I would have...I would have...I don't know what I would have done. But I would have done something. I would have helped you, somehow.

I'm not like that anymore. Like how I was when we first met." The pair, finally, were just outside of Calum's door. "You don't owe me anything. In fact, I owe you the world. I could never repay you, for the damage I've done. But, all the same, I need to prove to you that I'm better now, better than I was back then. You don't have to but...will you come somewhere? Not tonight, Saturday afternoon." Ashton gave him a time and location, and with a look of desperation be said. "Please. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but please. If you don't want to come, then you don't have to. But please, you're...you're my soulmate. If it's what you want, I'll leave you alone. But just this one thing, please."

Calum said nothing. Because at that second, the door opened beside him, revealing a slightly confused Michael. "Calum? What are you doing back so..." He was about to say late, of course. But then he saw Ashton, and his eyes hardened. "You. What are you doing here? With Calum?"

Ashton had a vague remembrance of this boy, knowing that he's seen him somewhere before, but having no idea where. But he must be Michael, since it seemed like he was one of the last people that Calum had left.

Whoever he is, he is obviously very protective of Calum. "I-I was just..." He stumbled over himself, trying to explain in a way that wouldn't get him beaten up.

Thankfully, Calum saved his arse. "He helped me. I got stuck in a closet and I had an attack. He helped me through it and drove me back here."

Of course, Calum neglected to tell Michael that it was Ashton who got him stuck in the closet in the first place. Or that Ashton had made it worse before he actually helped. But as soon as Michael heard that he had an attack, Michael softened. "Oh god, are you okay? You've never had an attack around other people before."

Michael looked him up and down, looking for any damage. "I'm okay, just tired. No one else was around, other than Ashton. It wasn't that bad of an attack, anyway. Didn't hurt myself this time, or anything like that."

Ashton wondered what exactly that meant. "Good. I'm glad you're okay. But we'd better get you inside. There's pizza in there for you, but it's probably cold. I'll be inside in a minute."

Calum went through the door without another word, only directing a small nod to Ashton.

And then, it was just Ashton and Michael outside the door. Here is clearly a reason that this person sent Calum in without him, so Ashton has to wait and see what that reason is. It comes quickly with a harsh look. "I hate you. You hurt my best friend, my brother, and I hate you for that. For ruining his life. But you helped him today, when I wasn't there. So I have to thank you for that. Still, that doesn't fix anything. You still ruined his life, and you don't deserve either of our forgiveness."

"I know that. I messed up, but I'm trying to make things right."

"You can't."

"I know that. But...we're supposed to be soulmates. I don't know if that means anything to you, or to him, but it does to me."

"We'll see. You'll never deserve him, no matter what you do. But you can try. But if he ever tells you to back off, then you back off without question." Ashton nodded. "Good. You should go now, though. He's always tired after an attack, so he won't be seeing you again tonight."

Ashton shrunk under Michael's glare. "I invited him somewhere on Saturday. I want to prove that I’m not the way I was anymore. Do...do you think he'll come?"

Michael shrugged. "Don't know. I'm not sure if I want him to, though. Because, after all, you started all of this. But on the other hand, Calum deserves all the love in the world, and I want him to have it. You could be good for him, or you could ruin him. And I have no idea what you might do.

All the same, I won't tell him what to do. But with Calum, sometimes he can do things and go places, and sometimes he can't. If he does go, then either I or my boyfriend will come with him. Because there is no way I'm letting him be alone with you. No fucking way."

"I get that. I understand completely. I guess I should just, um, I should go, I guess."

"Yeah, you should."

"Okay. I'll just...I'll see you again, sometime, maybe."

"Maybe." Michael turned away from Ashton, closing the door behind him.

So, Ashton left. Walked halfway across campus to his own dorm. And he hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Ashton's back and he isn't a complete dick anymore. A whole lot happened to poor Calum this chapter. Some good things, so bad things, and some things that could be either or. Let me know what you guys thought! And I would love to hear some predictions about what you think will happen in future chapters!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	7. Chapter 7

Calum was absolutely terrified. 

He really did want to go. Despite what had happened in the past, Ashton was so kind to him the other night when he didn’t have to be. He could have easily left Calum in the hallway. But instead he talked him down, gave him water, and drove him home. It was the sweetest thing that someone who wasn’t Luke or Michael or his family had ever done for him. He certainly isn’t used to such kindness being shown to him.

And yet, those words still echoed in his head. Those words that stain his skin and make it impossible for him to take his shirt off in front of anyone, or even just a mirror. He is so scared that this will all be a trick. Some ruse to get Calum alone, with the intentions of causing him immense pain.

Calum left the decision to the last minute, almost literally. But in the end, after just barely managing to calm himself down, Calum grabbed Michael’s and Luke’s hands and dragged them to the room that Ashton had specified.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but this certainly wasn’t it. It was a fair sized classroom, like any other. Except on the walls, there were posters covered in so many different words and colours and symbols, many of which Calum didn’t understand. And, in the space between walls, was dozens of people. Talking and laughing together, some sitting in some of the many chairs that have been organized into a semi-circle that spanned the entire room, and others standing somewhere around the middle of the room.

It was a lot for Calum to try and take in. The answer he was looking for was obvious to Luke or Michael, but Calum couldn’t quite make sense of it. He didn’t get what this space was, or why Ashton told him to come here.

Ashton appeared seemingly out of nowhere, coming out of the crowd, with the biggest smile on his face. “Calum!” Ashton said excitedly as he approached him. For a second, he stretched his arms out as if to hug Calum, like he would when greeting many of his friends. But then he, of course, noticed how stiff and scared Calum looked, and he thought better of it. “I...I’m really glad you came. I-I didn’t think that you would.”

Calum shrugged. “I thought I might as well. Cause, you know, you never know.”

“Right. Well, um, we’re about to get started here, so sit wherever you like.”

He left the trio with a nervous smile and went to the front of the room. This was the only place without chairs. Only a small desk and a laptop, along with a few people, were up there. For the next couple minutes, Calum watched Ashton talk with them. He seemed fairly serious with them, none of them smiling much, just talking.

Calum sat with his friends near the back of the room, more out of habit than anything as, no matter what, there wouldn’t be people sitting being him. After those few minutes passed, and the small group at the front of the room finished discussing whatever they were discussing, Ashton stood behind the desk and raised his voice to grab the attention of everyone in the room. “Alright, guys. We’re going to get started here.”

Surprisingly to Calum, everyone listened to Ashton. Those who hadn’t already found seats found them quickly and the room became nearly silent, yet brimming with anticipation. Calum sat, looking up to the front of the room, waiting.

“I’m going to go ahead and call this meeting into order. As always, we’re going to start by going around the room to introduce ourselves. So when we get to you, please say your name, your pronouns, and...today we’ll go with your favourite musical artist. I’m Ashton, my pronouns are he/him, and my favourite band is probably Coldplay.”

Just as he asked, everyone went around the circle and introduced themselves. Like it always does when professors call roll, Calum’s heart picked up in pace more and more the closer they got to him. When it was finally his turn he hardly heard his own stutters over his racing heart. “M-my n-name is Calum, my p-pronouns are, um, he and h-him, a-and my favourite band is Green D-Day.”

For a second, Calum held his breath and waited for the worst. But, of course, no one laughed at him. And he didn’t see or hear anyone in the room whispering, they just turned their attention to person after person until everyone had finished.

And of course they didn’t. Because then, Calum realized what this room was. Why he was here. Because this is a room of people who are like him. And if they’re not like him, then they are supportive of who he is. Or that little part of him that seems to matter so very much to the world. It’s an LGBT+ club, of course. It should be obvious, based on all of the posters. And, for whatever reason, Ashton is important in this group.

Ashton kept speaking. The first few minutes were spent with general club business. Most of it flew right over Calum’s head, the only bit he caught being about them needing more volunteers for some fundraiser thing.

But after those first few minutes, Ashton switched routes. “Now, I know that this club isn’t meant to be a support group or a therapy session in any way. But today, I want to talk about a problem that a fair amount of us, including me, have dealt with. I’d like for us to talk about internalized hatred for yourself. Be it internalized homophobia or transphobia or anything else, It’s something that is important to recognize.

Like I said, it is something that I struggled with for a long time. Hatred isn’t something we are born with, it is something we are taught. I was taught to hate by my step-father. From him, it was mostly just small comments that I probably wasn’t supposed to hear. And considering that he left when I was pretty young, you’d think that I’d want to forget all about him and his views. But I didn’t. I think it was because I wanted a father figure again. I guess I internalized his views, and as I grew up, so did they. I pushed away who I was, refusing to recognize whenever I accidentally looked at a cute boy for too long.

It made me hate myself, it really did. Even before I realized who I was, I hated myself for it.

It's not a secret, what kind of person I was before I came here. I was terrible, I really was. And because of my own self-hatred and denial, I hurt someone very important to me.

I understand now that being me liking boys is not a bad thing. I know that it doesn't make me a bad person, but of course it doesn't make me a good person either. It just makes me Ashton.

I think that it's always going to be something that I think about, every now and then. Because the fact that I am bisexual impacts who I am in a major way. Something in the back of my head will always be saying something about it. Like, if I weren't bisexual, would my brother and sister still have their dad? Or if I weren't bi, would I be happier? Or if I weren't bi, would that...would that person have gotten hurt.”

As Ashton said that, he looked right at Calum. And, god, this is for him. Ashton is talking about this topic that is obviously painful for him, for Calum. This is why he’s here. Ashton knows that he only has one chance, and he’s using it to tell Calum exactly why he did why he did.

“Those thought aren't healthy. Your gender or sexuality are not a bad thing, and they do not make bad things happen. Because the fact is, my step-dad still would have left. And maybe I would have been happier as a teenager, but I still would have been an ass. And...maybe that person wouldn't have gotten hurt by me. At least, not in as impactful of a way. But it took that incident to realize that I was a terrible person, and to make me want more than anything to fix everything I've ever broken. I was, and sometimes still am, a person who struggles with self-hate and internalized homophobia. But by surrounding myself with people who understand that who I am does not make me sick or disgusting or any other horrible word, I am improving on it. And because of this group, I am hopeful that I am doing the same.

Anyway, that's enough about me, is anyone else here comfortable with sharing. And remember, if you choose to share, it will not leave this group.”

People shared. Sharing about how other people’s hate burrowed their way into their heads. Sharing about how they forced themselves to do and say things that felt sick. Forced themselves to act a certain way, because their secret thought made them feel like freaks. Even shared about how they’re here in support of someone who struggles with these things.

For the most part, people listened quietly, attention respectfully on the person speaking. But a few times, there was clapping and excited and proud comments. Proving further to Calum that..that these people are good people. Even when a few people got emotional, or even when they stammered, no one laughed or jeered. If it didn’t need acknowledgement, it wasn’t acknowledged. But if it didn’t, quiet support was given to those who have obviously struggled.

Now, Calum has never struggled with the fact that he likes boys. Nor did he struggle with Michael not having a preference. But sometimes he, too, hates being gay. Really, it's all because of what people did to bim. But that doesn't mean that he didn't loathe his sexuality.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't wish that he hadn't said ‘he’ in that late night conversation. That doesn't mean that he didn't use mean, bigoted words in his thoughts and direct them at himself. It doesn't mean that sometimes, when he was home alone and locked in his room, that he wouldn't find some straight porn online, or lesbian porn if he was feeling extra desperate and disgusting. It doesn't mean that he wouldn't force himself to stare at it and will himself to lust after the girls, only to cry when he couldn't even make himself get off to the image. Not hating gay people does not mean that he doesn't hate himself for being gay.

Of course, Calum doesn't share. He could barely get through his own introduction, he couldn't handle anything more. But it feels so amazing to hear people tell stories that share similarities to his own. It almost felt like he could belong here, and this is not a thing he has felt in a long time.

But, despite many people speaking, Calum could only focus on Ashton. He didn't understand why Ashton did that horrible thing, not really. Hating yourself usually doesn't make you hurt people. But Calum at least has an idea now. He spent years wondering what he did to deserve this pain. And now, to hear Ashton say that it was his own fault, it feels like a weight is off his shoulders.

There is still a heavy burden on his shoulders, but it feels like he can breathe a little more.

Ashton draws the meeting to a close with another reminder about volunteers, and everyone stood to leave. No one left, not right away. Again, everyone was chatting and there was a whole lot of hugging.

Calum didn’t get up to leave, either. He just needed a moment. Just to absorb everything that has been said. Both of his friends were quick to notice his lack of movement, and Michael bent down a little to whisper into his ear. “You okay, bud?”

“Y-yea. M’fine. It’s just…”

“It’s a lot, yeah?” Calum nodded. “That’s okay. It is a lot to take in. Need a minute?” Again, Calum nodded. “That’s fine. We can just wait here until you’re good to go.”

Which was what they did. Michael and Luke both leant against the wall behind, chatting softly and giggling, while Calum remained in his seat, scrolling through nothing important to look like he was doing something.

A few minutes after the meeting had ended, Ashton came through the crowd, a smile on his face but looking frantic all the same. His eyes softened a little in relief once he spotted Calum. He approached slowly, not wanting to startle the younger boy. “Hi, Calum.”

All the same, Calum jumped in surprise. It’s not like he’s used to anyone speaking to him. “Oh, uh, hi.”

Unbeknownst to Calum (but very known by Ashton) Michael was standing behind him, looking extremely intimidating. “I, uh, I was worried that you’d leave before I could see you.”

“W-well, um, I’m still here. What d-did you want t-to see m-me for?”

“I just...I want you to know that I’m not excusing what I did. I mean, I never would have done that without my ex-step-dad’s influence, but it was still me that chose to deal with my problems by hurting you.”

“I get that.”

It was obvious that Ashton was incredibly nervous by how quickly he spoke. “Good. Good. If nothing else happens, I just wanted you to know that much. And that I’m trying to make up for it. I know that I can’t fix the mess I left for you, but I’m trying to be, like, a better.”

“Okay.”

“Ca-Can I see you again, Calum? Please? You can...you can say no, if you want. I wouldn’t blame you But just...please.”

Calum had had a hard enough time just deciding if he wanted to see Ashton this time. But another? He could say no. Ashton gave him that option, so he could say no and he would never have to say no again. But also, he could see yes. He could still back out at a later point, if he wanted. And Ashton didn’t seem like such a bad person, anymore. Afterall, the people here seem to like him a whole lot. So, he could say yes. And if he did, he probably wouldn’t die. “W-when?”

Ashton’s eyes lightened a little, no longer holding quite as many nerves. “Anytime. Whenever you want. This week, maybe? Or tomorrow? We could do something tonight, if you want.”

“T-tonight?”

Ashton shrunk back just a little. “Well, um, y-yeah. The sun is still going to be up for a few hours. And there’s this cafe on campus that’s open late and has good food. I mean, you can still say no.”

“I, um, I-I’d like…”

Michael cut him off. “He’s not going anywhere with you alone. I’m going with you.”

“M-Mikey…”

Michael cut him off again. “It doesn’t matter what he said, Cal. I don’t trust him with your safety.”

Luke stepped forward and interrupted Michael’s rage with a softer tone. “Mikey, there are people here. Don’t cause a scene, that wouldn’t be good for any of us.” As if soothed by Luke’s voice, Michael’s shoulders relaxed slightly. Still, his gaze was hard. “Anyway, you would not be trusting him with Calum’s safety. You wouldn’t be alone at the cafe, right, Ashton?”

Ashton nodded. “Y-yeah. The cafe isn’t super busy, but there are always at least a couple employees there. We wouldn’t be alone.”

“Exactly. But, still, if Calum chooses to go, there would be some ground rules. You can’t go anywhere other than that cafe. You absolutely need to have him home before dark. And if something goes wrong, you need to call one of us. But if you hurt Calum, in any way,” Luke fixed a glare on his own face. “We will fuck you up.” The glare disappeared just as quickly as it came. “Does that work with everyone?”

Ashton nodded rapidly, not wanting to cause any problems. Calum nodded much slowly, still feeling a little unsure of what everyone might be thinking, but happy that the confrontation was over. And Michael just looked vaguely impressed with his boyfriend.

“Okay. So, um, would you like to go? You never actually said.”

And, well, with everything that has been said in the past two minutes, Calum agreed. Ashton beamed brighter than he ever had before. Ashton extended his hand to Calum to help him up from his seat. Calum’s hand shook as he took it. Ashton didn’t comment.

“So, do you guys, like, want my number? I mean, just in case you need to contact me, for any reason.”

Though Ashton didn’t specify why they might need it, and though it shouldn’t be necessary because Calum obviously has their numbers, Michael still took it. Just in case.

“Cafe is only about a five minute walk away, if that’s okay with you.”

“Y-Yeah. But d-don’t y-you need to say g-goodbye to anyone?”

Ashton shook his head. “Nah, did that already.”

The pair walked out of the room and down the halls in relative silence. They stayed close together, but Calum made sure that they never actually touched. The only times when things weren’t completely still between them was whenever someone who knew Ashton, would spot him. Ashton didn’t ever stop to chat with anyone. He just greeted them in return and kept walking. Calum very much appreciated that, especially when the person would be someone from his class that he himself sort of knew. That way, they probably weren’t looking close enough to realize what a freak Ashton was with.

When they got to the cafe, Calum ordered a muffin and a hot chocolate, feeling too anxious to be hungry. Ashton tried to insist on paying for his food, but Calum refused. He hated the idea of feeling like he owed Ashton, even in such a small way. Because owing him meant some sort of commitment, which terrified him completely.

Calum had no idea what to say to this man. He has enough trouble talking to Luke, and even Michael sometimes. This man sitting across the tiny table is a total stranger. A stranger he has spoken to a total of three times. The first, was an exchange of sentences that ruined his life. The second time caused a completely embarrassing attack. And the third is today. He has no ideas how it could possibly end.

“So, what are you studying?” Ashton asked, also looking a little awkward.

“Music. I’m a, um, I play bass guitar. You?”

“Psychology. I want to work with kids, mostly. So what do you want to do with music?”

He didn’t ask in a condescending way, which Calum appreciated “More behind the scenes stuff, I guess. Not in front of people.”

“Cool. No good musicians would get anywhere without talented people working with them. I’ve heard good things about the music program here, too. Liking it so far?”

“Yeah, it’s great.” He didn’t mention how he had no friends, or even anyone to talk to in the program. He didn’t mention how he knew that his teachers didn’t like him, despite how well he did. And he didn’t mention how much anxiety everything about the program gave him. Because, really, he wouldn’t be happy studying anything else.

“What else do you like to do?”

Calum shrugged. “Not much. I study, practice, and listen to music, mostly. Hang out with Mikey and Luke, when they’re not busy. I do stuff with the radio station, too.”

Ashton’s eyes lit up at that. “That’s you? I knew I recognized your voice from somewhere. Dude, I listen to your show, like, everyday.”

“Seriously?” Calum raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah. We have, like, pretty much the same taste in music. Keeps me awake when I’m studying.”

“Oh, cool. Never really talk to anyone who actually listens to my show, except for the other people who work at the station.”

“Yeah? Well, I guess no one really knows who you actually are, since you don’t have your full name or picture out there.”

There was, obviously, a reason for that. “I'd, um, I'd like to keep it that way. Don't know if I'd be able to keep doing it if other people knew it was me.”

Ashton nodded understandingly. “Okay, no worries. I won't tell anyone anything if you don't want me to.”

Calum could tell that he meant more than just about his job. “So, um, you seem like you’re pretty involved with that, um, that club.”

Ashton smiled, nodding. “I'm co-president, actually. Was elected at the end of last year.”

Calum could tell that he was important, but not that important. He figured that he was just a long time member, or that he was just good with speaking. Co-president of a club with that many people is a bit of a bigger deal. “Wow. That's really cool.”

“Yeah. It's a great group of people, you know? It's really cool that they all trust and respect me that much.”

“How did you, like, get involved with them?”

Ashton blushed slightly, looking ashamed. “I was a piece of shit in high school, as you already know. And after what happened with you, I knew that I needed to change. I didn't have a lot of resources to help me figure myself out, other than just online shit. And that did help me, a little. But I needed someone to actually talk with who would understand. Because as supportive as my mom tried to be, she didn't have the perspective I needed. So when I came here, and I saw that we had an LGBTQ+ club, I had to join. It took awhile, but I came to terms with who I am and why I acted the way I did. After that, I tried to do the same with new people who joined, and I guess I did, because they elected me.”

It was nice. A nice story. Hopefully a true story, which it probably is. If it is true, Calum is really happy for him. That he was able to pick himself up and turn his attitude around. He just wishes that that transformation had happened while Ashton was still in highschool.

“So you’re, um, are you pretty close with people in the club?” Ashton nodded. “Did you tell them about me?”

Calum hates people learning things about him without him telling them, or giving permission to have them know things. There’s obvious reasons behind it. He loathes the idea that when he stepped into that room, that they might have known who he was. That they knew why he was there.

“No.” Calum breathed a sigh of relief. “They know the story about how we met, but that's it. I didn't tell them that you go to school here, or that we’ve met again. And they definitely don't know your name or what you look like. No one in that room knew who you are. Since we were talking, my friends probably think that you’re a new friend. But no one knows any details. It just doesn't feel right to talk about you as my soulmate, before I even know how we stand.”

“Thank you. Can you, um, just keep it a secret? At least for now. Is that okay?”

“Like I said, I won't say anything until you tell me that I can. As far as they’ll know, if we keep seeing each other, you’ll just be a new friend.”

It was a weight off of his shoulders, to know that Ashton was on the same page as him.

“So, speaking of friends, yours seem, um, they seem nice.”

Calum could tell that Ashton wanted to say something else, because neither had come across as nice at all. They were like two mother bears, ready to kill anything that threatened him.

“They’re my best friends.” His only friends.

“Have you known them long?”

“I've known Michael for, like, ten years. Clicked from the start. Been together through everything. But Luke is a, um, a newer friend. He's Michael’s soulmate. They met right at the start of the semester. He's really sweet to me. And he's so good to Michael, which is all that really matters. They’re basically the definition of perfect soulmates.”

“They make you happy?”

As much as he hated to admit it, Calum hesitated. Because no, nothing really makes him happy at this point. Not even the two greatest friends he will ever have. But they make him feel comfortable and they sometimes do make him laugh and smile. And that's about as close to happy as he has felt in a very long time. “They do.”

Ashton smiled softly. “I'm glad. You deserve to be happy.”

For some reason, those words felt sad. They felt heavy and too full of something wrong to sound like anything else. Still, the sentiment was nice.

“Are you happy, Ashton?” Calum asked, genuinely wanting to know.

“I am. Honestly, I've never been happier in my life than I am right now.”

Calum didn't share the sentiment. There are loads of times that he's been happier. Like when he’d go down to the beach with his family when he was little and play in the water with Mali. Or whenever he'd score a goal during a match and his team would surround him, jumping on him in excitement. Or nights after a day with Michael when they would just talk. Or the day before that birthday. That was happy. And that is not how he feels.

“We should probably start heading out to your dorm. Wouldn't want to be out too late.”

Calum must have lost track of time because their food is gone and it looks like sunset is drawing nearer. “Oh. Yeah, we should.”

The pair tossed their paper cups and left the mostly unoccupied cafe behind, setting out on the short walk.

“Can I ask you something, Calum?”

Calum shrugged. “You’ve been asking things all night. Another is fine.”

“Are there people here who bother you?”

Not exactly. No one pranks him or hits him or takes his picture or goes out of their way to make him feel like shit in general. But no one is totally nice to him, either. They’re impatient when he speaks and roll their eyes when the teacher calls on him and sometimes talk about him, probably thinking that he doesn't notice. So, no one tries to bother him. But that doesn't mean that they don't. “I'm safe here,” Calum said instead.

“I'm glad that you’re safe here. But do they bother you?”

Calum shook his head with determination. He didn't understand why Ashton asked that when he just answered. “No one hurts me.”

“But do they bother you?”

At this point, Calum wasn't feeling so okay anymore. He doesn't understand what Ashton is trying to do. What his intentions are. Why he won't drop it. “Calum? Do people still bully you?”

His hands were shaking, and his heart beat felt fast and uneven. He could feel his skin go clammy and his lungs tighten. “C-can we not d-do th-this right n-now?”

“Oh. Shit, oh.” Ashton realized what was happening. What he was causing once more. “Breathe, Calum. I'm sorry that I kept asking. It was obvious that you didn't want to talk about it, and I'm sorry for trying to make you. You don't have to say anything you don't want to. All I wanted to do was find out if anyone was causing troubles for you. That's it. I didn't mean anything bad by it, but I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable. Everything is just fine, Calum. We just need to get you breathing better.”

Calum willed the attack back, dragging in shaky breaths with force. “M’f-fine. M’not having an attack.”

“Okay. I'm glad you’re not. Your breathing seems normal again, so that’s good. Do you need anything? Should I call Michael for you?”

“N-no. We’re only a few minutes away, anyway. I'm fine.”

“Okay. If you’re sure you’re fine.”

“I am.”

“Good. Then let’s get you home.”

Again, the pair walked in silence. It was starting to get a little dark, even though the sun wasn’t totally down yet. So, since Calum is obviously not okay with the dark, he doesn’t feel safe in even relative darkness, he stuck very close to Ashton. They accidentally brushed arms a few times, though Calum made sure that that was it.

A few minutes later, they were inside of Calum’s dorm building and were just outside of his door. “Calum?” Ashton asked softly. Calum hummed in response. “Can I hug you? Please?”

Calum thought for a moment. He likes hugs very much. Likes being held in any way. However, at the thought of Ashton touching him, his heart rose into his throat in a more than unpleasant way. He likes hugs, but he doesn’t think that he wants one from Ashton. “No, thank you. Not right now.”

Calum could see Ashton wilt a little, but he didn’t protest. “Okay. That’s fine. But, um, can I see you again? You never have to see me again, if you don’t want to. But I’d really like to see you again, Calum. I’d like to get to know you.”

It hadn’t been the best night for Calum. He was incredibly nervous and uncomfortable all evening. But, for the most part, that wasn’t because of Ashton. He was nervous and uncomfortable because he always is, especially when talking with people who he doesn’t know well. And actually, talking with Ashton wasn’t that bad. Ashton never said anything that was intended to make him feel badly about himself. And he genuinely seemed interested in whatever Calum was saying. It wasn’t a bad evening.

“Okay. Th-that would be, um, okay.”

For the second time that day, Ashton beamed so incredibly bright. “Can I give you my number? So you can, like, text or call me and we can work something out.”

Calum agreed to that and handed his phone to Ashton so he could enter his number. Now, Calum doesn’t have a whole lot of contacts in his phone in the first place. But thanks to how the alphabet is organized, Ashton’s name was now at the very top of his contact list. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

“I’ll see you again soon, Calum. Sleep well.”

“Y-you too.”

Ashton turned away with a small smile and left without a word. No more were needed. Calum waited a moment before he went into his room, just to collect himself before he saw his friends.

When he finally went into the room, he found Luke and Michael laying side by side on Michael’s bed. Michael’s laptop was on his lap and they were sharing a pair of headphones. Their hair was all rumpled and they both looked oddly glowy. Something had definitely happened here, but Calum wasn’t about to ask.

“Hey, Cally. You good?”

“M’okay. Everything was fine.”

“Yeah? He was okay with you?”

“Mhm. Didn’t do anything wrong.”

“That’s good. So are you going to see him again?”

“Y-yeah. I will. I’m, um, I’m really tired now, though.”

“Okay. You go change and get ready for bed. We’ll keep quiet.”

It was an odd thing, to sleep alone in a bed, just feet away from a still awake, cuddling couple. But, for some reason, it was almost comforting to have two people so important to him in the same room. Still, he would rather not be alone in his own bed. He would quite like for someone to hold him the way that Luke and Michael are holding each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really glad to put some insight out there on why Ashton had acted the way he did. I didn't mean for it to be an excuse, so I hope it didn't come off as one, I just didn't want for Calum to have to continue without an explanation and just continue to primarily blame himself.
> 
> I know that I had originally said that chapters would be posted about every two weeks, but I'm not really sure when the next chapter will be posted. I've got a week and a half long break from university starting next Friday so I'll be pretty busy with my family and friends. But no matter what, the chapter will be up on November 15th at the latest.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the chapter! Remember to leave a comment and let me know what you though!


	8. Chapter 8

Calum took a few days to work up the courage to text Ashton, even though Ashton was certainly waiting eagerly. He was just a little bit (majorly) terrified that Ashton would be different than the last time. They had met.

All the same, Calum texted him on Tuesday, asking him when he was free. Of course with Calum’s daily work hours, that was made to be a little difficult. They found that they coincidentally have a long enough break in between classes in common on both Tuesdays and Thursdays, so they decided to meet for lunch that Thursday.

It’s never a very good thing for Calum to have time to think about upcoming events. He always ends up thinking himself into a tizzy. But, at least this time, Calum has a vague idea of what to expect. He’s met with Ashton by himself once before already, and nothing went spectacularly wrong. All he can hope is for the same this time.

Calum came directly from class in order to not be late, which meant that he was lugging his bass around with him. You wouldn’t think that carrying a guitar case would draw attention to you, but once you’re out of the arts building, it does. Especially when you’re trying to move around in cafe with tables packed closely together.

Ashton was already waiting for him when he got there, in a table tucked to the side. He smiled brightly at Calum when he spotted him and waved him over. It took a moment for Calum to move between tables to get to him, but at least it isn’t terribly full of people as it could be.

“Hey, Calum.” Ashton stood and opened his arms as if to hug him, but seemed to think better of it and did some awkward stretch/scratching at the back of his neck thing to cover it.

“H-hi, Ashton.”

Calum lent his case up against the wall beside them and the pair went over to the short line-up to order their drinks. Again, Ashton offered to pay. Calum declined.

Once the pair were back to their table, they sat in a less than comfortable silence for a moment or two. Ashton, as usual, gained the courage to speak first. “So how long have you been playing bass?”

“St-started with regular guitar when I was ten. Switched t-to bass when I w-was fourteen.”

“That’s really cool, mate. S’cool that you’ve found something you’re so passionate about. I play drums, you know. Or, well, sort of. My kit’s back home. No way I could keep it in my dorm, what with the noise and lack of space. Haven’t played in months.”

“Y-you kn-know, there’s practice r-rooms in the arts b-buildings. One has a dr-drum kit. Anyone’s al-alowed to use them.”

Ashton suddenly looked extra excited. “Seriously? You are a lifesaver, Calum. Been itching to play again for weeks. Thought I would have to wait until I went home next.”

It was sort of nice for Calum, to learn about his soulmate. He liked learning about their shared interests and passions. Obviously, they're both passionate about music, which is pretty much the most important thing in the world to Calum

He was curious about Ashton. Wanted to learn everything he could about the other boy. And yet, he didn't want to. If Ashton shared, that would mean that Calum would have to share. That certainly isn't what he wants. He doesn't want Ashton to know anything about him. He didn't want Ashton to have any useful information, just in case.

As the time of their next classes approached, Ashton asked if he could walk Calum to class. Being the type of person who generally hates being outside alone, Calun accepted.

Like the last time, when they came to the door of Calum’s class, Ashton asked to hug him. And also like the last time, Calum declined. He still wasn't interested in Ashton touching him, and especially not in front of strangers.

Also like the last time, Ashton asked if he could see Calum again. And though Calum still doesn’t quite feel comfortable with him, Calum said yes.

The two continued to meet, once or twice a week, for the next month. The meetings always went the same.

They would meet between their class breaks, or after Ashton’s club meetings (which Calum hadn't gone back to). They would usually go to that same cafe and they could order their food and/or drinks. Ashton would always offer to pay, Calum always declined.

It would always start out a little awkward, but they would ease into conversation, though Calum constantly stayed on edge.

The meeting would end with Ashton walking Calum to class or back to his dorm. Ashton would ask if he could hug Calum, and Calum would always say ‘no, not today.’ Ashton would easily accept that, and then would ask to see Calum again. Calum would always say yes.

Aside from those roughly three hours a week, they texted occasionally. Mostly, just to see if they were still on for their next meeting. Never anything personal over text.

But then, things just...changed. It wasn't like a switch was flipped, it was gradual.

One day, Calum laughed at something Ashton said. That seems like such a small thing, but it isn't at all. Calum rarely actually laughs. When he finds something amusing or genuinely funny, he usually just smiles, and even that is practically a miracle. Even with Michael or Luke or his family, he just smiles. And yet, he laughed at a silly little story that Ashton told.

Ashton understood how massive of a thing he was, and dedicated himself to helping Calum make that little noise again as often as possible.

Calum started talking more, too. He still stuttered a lot, and he shared little personal information. But he said much more, completely willingly.

About two months after they met came the biggest change. Their meetings always had ended the same, but this one didn't. This time, when Ashton asked for a hug, Calum said yes.

When he said it, he surprised himself. He hadn't told his mouth to say that word, and yet he didn't want to take it back.

Ashton was even more surprised. He hadn't even realized what Calum had said, at first. “Okay, that's fine. Can I...wait. What did you say?”

“Y-yes.”

He wasn’t scared of Ashton anymore, not really. He was a little wary, but he might always be. He genuinely believes that Ashton will not hurt him again, at least not on purpose. Not after the past months.

For a moment, Ashton looked too shocked to do anything. But then he took a small step forward “Are you sure?”

“I-I like hugs, Ashton. I just...before I wasn’t…”

“You don’t have to explain, it’s okay. Are you sure, though? If you’re just saying yes because…”

Just because you feel guilty. Just because you feel like you’re supposed to. Just because we’re soulmates. “I’m not.” Calum cut him off. “We’re...we’re friends, right? Friends hug sometimes.”

“Yeah.” Ashton took the last step and closed the space, wrapping his arms around Calum. “We’re friends. I’m your friend.”

Though Calum had sort of been the one to initiate the contact, he was slow to react. But after half a moment, Calum hugged Ashton back. His hold wasn’t quite as strong, but it felt just as wonderful to Ashton as he hoped it did to Calum.

After a minute longer than most friends hold each other, they separated, each taking a small step back to allow for room to breathe. “So you’re, like, are you sort of okay with touch now, then? At least with me?”

Calum shrugged. “I think so. Like, um, not all the time, though.”

Ashton nodded, understanding. “Okay. If I ever touch you, and you don’t want me to, I want you to push me back. Or, at least, tell me that I’m making you uncomfortable. I’ll listen. I’ll back off.”

“I believe you.”

“I should let you get to bed, then. Can I see you again?”

Calum smiled, almost brighter than Ashton had ever seen him smile before. “You don’t need to ask that anymore, Ashton. We’re friends. If I ever want you to leave me alone, though, I’ll tell you.”

“Okay that’s all I ask. I’ll see you again, Calum. Sweet dreams.”

“Sweet dreams, Ashton.”

Things kept changing, ever so slowly. The hugs became a regular thing. Calum still had his bad days, where even Ashton had him feeling a little on edge, so every week or so, Calum would say no sometimes, and Ashton always respected that. On those nights, or other nights when Calum didn’t seem totally at ease, Ashton would ask if he could see Calum again. Calum kept saying yes.

On his good days, Calum would be okay with more than just a hug at the end of the night. During their meetings, Calum smiled and even laughed more. And sometimes, as Ashton walked Calum home or to his class, their hands would brush. Calum didn’t shy away, like he used to.

Three weeks after the first hug, when he was walking Calum to class, Ashton made a bold move and instead of just letting their hands brush, Ashton laced their fingers together.

Calum’s heart started to race. This was something that he was unfamiliar with. Another boy, other than Michael, had never done this before. And he didn’t understand Ashton’s intentions with doing this, not completely. Also, they were in public. Just because there is a club full of people who accept their sexualities, that does not mean that the rest of the school will do the same. You never know when someone will see you, and your sexuality will make them want to hurt you.

But Calum sort of...he liked it. He liked having Ashton’s (slightly) smaller hand held in his own. It was comfortable. It felt like it made sense, even if it didn’t make sense in Calum’s head.

When Calum didn’t make any more to separate from him, Ashton squeezed his hand just a little tighter.

A hours later, Calum was walking back to his dorm. He’d been driving much less lately, since Ashton had been the one that he was afraid of. The radio station wasn’t crazy far from his dorm anyway.

Then, he saw someone. Just from out of the corner of his eye, at first. But then he couldn’t help but do a double take. It’s been months since he’d seen this man, not since graduation, but Calum was very sure. It’s the boy who stole his clothes and held them above his head.

He’d done other things to Calum, after that initial ‘prank.’ Nothing quite as terrible, but surely not nice. His torment had continued right to the bitter end of high school. And he’s here. The place that Calum came to to escape the people who hurt him. The safest place Calum has known, aside from, maybe, his bedroom at home. His safe space has been invaded.

When Calum took that second look, he looked too long. So long that this other man must have felt Calum’s eyes on him, even from the at least thirty metres away. He looked over at Calum, and they locked eyes. There was a clear look of recognition on his face. Of course there was, he used to look at Calum daily and hurt him in one way or another. 

The people who the man was with are people that Calum is sure never went to his school, which must be why he isn’t sending Calum a horrifically hateful look or even chasing after him. But, it’s only a matter of time. He sees Calum. He could easily excuse himself and get him. Wrap an arm around his shoulders, making it look like they’re old friends, and steering Calum away. Calum wouldn’t be strong enough to resist. The man would bring him somewhere secluded, though the grounds aren’t very populated right now, and he would hurt Calum.

So Calum ran, just like he always seems to do. All the way back to his dorm. He huddled himself on his bed, pressing his back against the wall. A shaky hand was pressed to his mouth, like he was trying to muffle his own breathing, like he was hiding from someone. He could have followed Calum. Could know exactly which dorm is his.

He could be right outside, at this very second.

In reality, that would be pretty impossible. Calum had had a head start. And the guy couldn’t have taken off after him without the people with him being weirded out. So, Calum would have had a good minimum of twenty seconds on him, combined with the fact that he was farther away from where Calum started. Even if he had seen which building Calum went into, he wouldn’t have been able to tell which floor he was on. Or, of course, which room he was in. It was impossible.

Calum didn’t feel that way, though. Because when Calum gets scared, he tends to get irrational with his thoughts. He thinks the worst is coming right for him, because the worst usually does exactly that.

Calum had to take the hand off of his mouth because he was beginning to breath too harshly. So harshly that he was starting to get almost light headed. He has no desire to repeat the events of the last attack he had had by himself, not if it would disappoint Michael.

With a practically vibrating hand, Calum got his phone out of his pocket, unlocked it, and quickly pressed Michael’s contact to call him. He held the phone to his ear and waited with baited breath as it rung.

For the first time ever, Michael didn’t answer.

Calum was at a loss, not even capable of wiping his cheeks when tears started pouring over them. Michael didn’t answer. Michael always answers his phone, especially for Calum.

But, of course. It’s Friday night. It’s date night. Michael is too busy to be thinking about Calum. Not when he has someone like Luke that he could focus on instead. Luke who doesn’t have baggage and who didn’t fuck up Michael’s life. Of course Michael would be focused on him. Michael doesn’t need Calum anymore.

And suddenly Calum is thinking things that he really isn’t supposed to think. Things that, Michael had told him, if he were to ever think about, he needed to call Michael straight away.

But Michael didn’t answer.

Still, these are things that Michael said he shouldn’t think about. And even if Michael isn’t here, and even if Michael doesn’t want to see or talk to him anymore, and even if Calum is barely managing to keep breathing, and even if he’s sobbing and feels the worst he’s felt in months, he’ll listen.

Logically, Calum should have called Luke next. Michael’s phone could easily be dead, and that would be why he didn’t pick up. Luke would have been able to get Michael on the line, and Michael would have gotten there as quickly as he could. Logically.

But the logical part of Calum’s brain turned off the very second he saw that man.

Calum’s immediate next instinct was to call someone else, who was almost as good as Michael. He called Ashton.

Unlike Michael, Ashton was quick to pick up after only two rings. “Hello?” Calum couldn’t help but let a broken sob slip out of his mouth before he could say a word. “Calum? Are you okay? Are you crying?”

Calum couldn’t find the words. He just whimpered. “Shit. You don’t sound like you’re breathing too good. Are you having an attack right now?” Again, Calum just whimpered. “Okay, Calum. I’m on my way, okay?”

Calum could just barely hear Ashton saying something else and then there was another voice as well, like Ashton had held the phone away from himself just for a second to talk to someone else. He was back with him quickly, though. “Where are you, Calum? Are you in your room?”

Calum just barely got out a ‘yes.’ “I’m on my way right now, okay? I’m not even ten minutes away, okay? Just stay on the line with me and breathe. I want you to take a deep breath in. Can you do that for me?”

Calum did his best to do as he was told, but it didn’t go that well at all. He was barely managing shallow breaths at this point. “Try again, okay? I’ll be there soon. Take another breath.”

Every few seconds as Calum breathed in and out, Ashton kept talking to him. Repeating the same stuff, mostly. Telling him that he was doing well, telling him to try again, and telling him that he was almost there.

Finally, when Calum had just managed to take his first moderately deep breath, Ashton said “I’m here, Calum.” And to punctuate it, there was a knock on the door.

“Th-that’s you?” Calum said, his first proper words since he had left the radio station.

“Yeah, Calum. That’s me that just knocked. Just Ashton, no one else. No one else is in the hallway right now. I just need you to unlock the door. Can you do that for me?”

When he stood, Calum’s legs nearly gave out from under him. Somehow, he made it to the door and managed to unlock it. He just barely opened before Ashton squeezed in. Ashton locked the door again for him. “Oh, Cal. Let’s get you sat down, okay? Are you alright with touch right now, or no?”

Almost hesitantly, Calum nodded. Ashton placed a hand on his back and guided him back to his bed. “I don’t know what happened, but what I do know is that it’s just me and you here. Just me and you. The door is locked and no one can get in unless you let them in. And I will absolutely not let anyone hurt you.”

From what he had gathered over the past couple of months, Ashton figured that pretty much all of Calum’s anxiety came from and was spurred on by people hurting him. He thought that it was best to assure Calum that, at least right now, he is very safe.

“Now, you’re still not breathing so good.” Ashton took Calum’s hand in his loosely, so much so that Calum could pull it away if he had wanted to, and guided it to his own chest. “Can you try and match my breathing?”

This is what Michael does. This is exactly what Michael always does with him to help him ground himself. So, it was almost easy for him to do as he was told.

Ashton’s heart was going fast, probably because he seemed to have run from wherever he came from, but his breathing was steady and his breathing was what really matters here.

After probably almost ten minutes, Calum’s breath was as steady as it could possibly be and he had stopped crying.

“You did so good, Cally. Proud of you for getting through that. Is there anything else that I can do for you? Anything you need?”

“M’just thirsty. And tired.”

“Okay. You got water in your fridge?” Calum nodded and Ashton retrieved a bottle of water from the mini fridge off to the side of the room, twisting the cap off of the fresh bottle of water so that Calum didn’t have to. “Drink up.”

Calum drank about half of the bottle before handing it back to Ashton. Ashton screwed the lid back on and set the bottle on the little nightstand so that Calum would be able to get it quickly in the night if he needed it.

“Let’s get you ready for bed, yeah? Where’re your sleeping clothes?”

“Top left drawer.”

Obviously, since it was the only thing with more than one drawer in the room, Calum meant the dresser. Though he hadn’t meant to snoop, Ashton did sort through the drawer until he found what he figured were the softest and loosest fitting clothes before handing them to Calum.

For a couple of seconds, it was silent as Calum looked down at the clothes and then back up at Ashton. “Could you, um, could you…”

“Oh. Okay. You want me to leave.”

Ashton made it as far as unlocking the door before Calum’s voice stopped him. “No. I just wanted you to turn around while I changed.”

“Right. Yeah, of course.” Ashton re-locked the door and turned away from Calum. He could hear the rustling of fabric behind him as Calum changed. He didn’t try to take a peek, he wouldn’t ever do that. “So, you don’t want me to leave?”

The movement behind him froze, but Ashton didn’t turn. “I couldn’t ask you to stay.” And the movement continued.

“But would you like me to stay?”

“I don’t like to be alone. Especially not after…”

Calum was going to say, ‘after that guy saw me,’ But he couldn’t get the words out. That, or he didn’t know how to say that without saying everything else too.

“Okay. Then if you’re okay with it being me, then I want to stay.”

“Y-you can turn around now.” Somehow, Calum looks even smaller in these clothes, with the way that they hung off him so loosely.

“So, how do you want to do this? Do you just want me to stay here until Michael can get here?”

“Will you stay the night? Just to sleep? It’s, um, it’s Michael and Luke’s night together. And he didn’t answer his phone earlier so I just...I don’t want to bother him if I don’t need to.”

“Okay. But I’m sure that Michael wouldn’t be bothered. He’s your best friend, and from the two times I’ve met him, I can tell that he loves you a whole lot. But if you’re sure that it’s what you want, I’ll stay as long as you need me to. Could I maybe borrow some clothes, though? I can never sleep in jeans.”

“Y-yeah. You can use whatever you want.”

“Thanks.”

Ashton grabbed the first shirt and pants his hands landed on in the drawer and started stripping. He didn’t notice that Calum’s face was turned to the ground and that his eyes were jammed shut until he already had the pants on and was just putting on the shirt. “I won’t get mad if you look at me. I’m not shy.”

“Yeah but…” Calum kept his eyes shut and face to the ground. “You never said that it was okay. Just because you don’t say that something isn’t okay, doesn’t mean that you’re saying that it is.”

Oh. Right. Ashton doesn’t know much about the big details about Calum’s life. He doesn’t know why he’s claustrophobic. He doesn’t know why he studies music. He doesn’t know why he chose Michael as his best friend. He doesn’t know a thing about his family. But what Calum does share with him, Ashton remembers.

And Ashton absolutely remembers that, on the night that they first met, Calum told him that if it weren’t for Ashton, Calum wouldn’t have had sex yet. Now, Ashton has no clue about the details of that. But based on the way that Calum had sounded when he said that, and how he had included it in the list of things that Ashton had caused that were bad, Calum obviously wishes that he had never had sex. Ashton doesn’t know the details, but he thinks that he can tell that whoever took Calum’s virginity, didn’t exactly ask. Or at least, they didn’t ask what they should have.

So, maybe Calum is a little fucked up over that, too. It makes perfect sense that he would be. That seems to mean that Calum is extremely huge on consent, which everyone should be, but to the point where it extends to areas where people aren’t even touching each other.

Ashton needs Calum to feel comfortable with him. So while he does need to express his consent for Calum to look at him, he can’t say it in a way that might make Calum feel poorly about his needs. “Oh. Of course, yeah. Well, as we stand right now, you do have my permission to look at me when I’m not wearing a shirt or pants. I’ll let you know if in the future I want that to change.”

Calum’s body seemed to relax with his words. He opened his eyes and lifted his head. He didn’t stare, because that seemed rude and a little weird, despite Ashton’s permission. But if he took a glance at Ashton’s firmly chiseled body, he figured that that was okay.

Not that there was much time to look, of course. Because while he had paused to speak with Calum, Ashton was actually trying to get dressed so he could get on with what Calum needed.

“Right, so, is there anything else that you need? Anything else that I could possibly do for you?”

Calum shook his head. “No, thank you. Just, uh, could you turn off the lights and open the window?”

Ashton did as he was asked. It was a pretty warm night, so he didn’t mind the window being open. He was a little surprised that when he turned off the lights, a little light on the wall turned on. Of course, he shouldn’t be so surprised. Calum had never expressly told him that he had a night light. But Ashton did know that Calum doesn’t like the dark. It makes sense that he would have something to help him cope.

“So, uh, how do you want to do this? Should I take Michael’s bed or…?”

“I, um, I was sort of hoping that we could cuddle. I know that that’s really fucking gay but…”

“None of that. First of all, I’m bisexual. I know who I used to be, but I’m not a ‘no homo’ sort of guy. Second of all, there is nothing weird about two guy friends cuddling together. I know that you and Michael probably cuddle sometimes. Is there anything romantic or even remotely sexual about you two cuddling?” Looking almost ashamed of himself, Calum shook his head. “Of course there isn’t, because you two are friends. I know that you and I aren’t as close as you and Michael are, but we’re friends. Just because there’s something a little different about us, doesn’t mean that physical forms or affection are anything more than friendly. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I just want you to know that I’m not the least bit bothered by the idea of us cuddling. And actually, I love cuddling. Is all that okay with you?”

Calum nodded “Okay.”

“Good. So how do you want to do this? How do you like to cuddle?”

“Are you okay with the, um, the right side of the bed?”

Ashton nodded. He wasn’t really picky on that. Calum crawled under the covers and shuffled to the side closest to the wall, Ashton joining him seconds later. For a moment, the pair just sat beside each other “Okay. Now what?”

Ashton didn’t want to make Calum get in a position that was uncomfortable for him, so he let Calum decide. “Lay down.”

For a moment of just laying side by side, Ashton thought that that might be it. That all that Calum needed was someone to lay down beside him. Just a warm body beside him. Of course, that wasn’t true. Slowly, Calum changed his position. Rolling over and resting his head on Ashton’s chest. Cautiously bringing his arm over Ashton’s chest as well and resting his hand almost directly above Ashton’s heart.

It wasn’t that Calum just needed a body. He had just needed to gain the courage to let himself have what he actually needed. As Ashton wrapped his arm around Calum, Ashton gave him exactly what he did need.

“Is this, um, is this okay?” Calum asked hesitantly.

“Very. This is one of my favourite ways to cuddle, actually. Is this okay for you?”

Calum nodded into Ashton’s chest. “This is good.”

For a couple seconds, the pair was silent. But Ashton couldn’t help but say “You’re taller than me, by a couple inches. I didn’t notice until just now. You have a way of making yourself look much smaller than you really are. You shouldn’t do that anymore. You should let yourself take up the space you deserve.”

Calum froze up a little. “I-I don’t…”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. You should rest anyway. Let yourself relax and sleep.” 

“O-okay. Goodnight, Ashton.”

“Goodnight, Calum. Sweet dreams.”

All was silent. All was still. All was as okay as it could possibly be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update didn't take as long as I thought it might, thank god. Anyway, I really hope that you guys enjoyed the chapter! Remember to leave a comment!  
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is a few days later than usual, I recently got a bit busy. Earlier this week a directing student came to my acting class because an actor dropped out of her short play which is her final project, so I volunteered. I've been really busy with that, and also with my final projects and studying for my final exams. Even though it's late, I hope you guys like this chapter!

Nearly half an hour later, both Ashton and Calum were still awake. Ashton was awake because he wouldn’t let himself sleep until Calum did. And Ashton was certain that he was awake because of the still slightly uneven pace of his breath and his heartbeat. Calum was still awake because his mind had yet to stop racing.

“Calum? You’re still awake, aren’t you?” Well, it wasn’t like Calum could lie. Ashton wouldn’t believe it. So Calum nodded. “Why can’t you sleep?” Calum shrugged. “Come on, tell me. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I dunno I just...I thought that I left it all behind. When I came here, I thought that I would have a fresh start. That no one would know me, and that I could live like a normal person. Or, I mean, as normal as a person like me can be. But then you came along. I mean, you were a good thing. But I had thought that I would never see you again. And I never thought that I would see this guy again, either. But he was here. He looked me in the eye. He knows that I’m here. He could...at any time he could find me. I’m not safe here anymore.”

Calum was just so tired, both physically and mentally. He just wanted to be allowed to exist, but all but six people in the world seem to not want for him to have that.

“If it helps, I didn’t see anyone lurking around outside or in the halls. I don’t think he followed you, so he doesn’t know where you live.”

That did little to soothe Calum’s racing mind. “Yeah, but he’s still here. I know what guys like that are like. I mean, I’ve been dealing with them for years. He’s gonna find me, no matter what. He’s going to do whatever he wants to me, and I can’t do anything about it. He’s going to do all the things that he did to me in high school, or worse.”

“I’ll protect you.” Ashton said, combing his fingers through Calum’s hair only once. You won’t be alone out there. I’ll take you to work and class and I’ll take you home and I’ll take you wherever else you want to go. I know that that still sucks, but at least you’d be safe. You’re safe with me.”

Ashton was right about one thing, it wasn’t the same. Calum is an adult. He should be able to go places and do things without being so afraid. He shouldn’t have to be accompanied by some boy. Even then, even if Ashton was constantly at his side, that doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t be terrified. Even if he had a whole army of Ashtons and Lukes and Michaels, he would still be terrified every second of every day.

“Calum are...do you feel safe with me?” Perhaps he had asked just because Calum hadn’t said anything. Or perhaps he felt a barely there switch in Calum’s body. But he asked. “Do you?”

For whatever reason, Calum felt that he couldn’t just say yes or no. Yes or no wouldn’t make enough sense. He needed Ashton to understand. Ashton was so kind, dropping everyone to come and help him. Ashton was his friend. His very good friend who cared about him, and who Calum cared about. Calum needed for him to understand.

Without sitting up, or even looking at Ashton, Calum tried his very hardest to explain. “Michael hasn’t ever laid a hand on me. I mean, we used to wrestle when we were kids, but that hardly counts. Michael has never done anything to me that was intended to cause me pain. Neither has my family. My parents don’t even believe in spanking or anything like that. And in the few months that I’ve known him, Luke has been nothing but unbelievably kind to me.

None of them have ever tried to cause me physical or emotional pain, but sometimes I jump anyway. They’ll touch me when I’m not expecting it, or they’ll say something that sounds even a little angry, or say something when I don’t know that they’re there, or they’ll just be too loud when I’m not expecting it. And I’ll jump. Even though I know what their voices sound like, and I know what their hands feel like, and sometimes I’ll even be looking at looking at them, I’ll still be terrified that I’m about to be hurt. Logically, I’ll know that I’m safe. But logic doesn’t matter when I’m crawling away from my best friend in fear, just because I’m spaced out and he touches my arm.

And then, then there’s you. And you…”

“I pushed you. I laid my hands on you. I caused you pain intentionally.”

For the first time in over half an hour, Calum sat up so that he might look Ashton in the eye. Ashton still didn’t understand. “That isn’t what this is about. That isn’t why. You’re different now, I know that. You wouldn’t be in charge of that club if you still thought that faggots were disgusting.” Ashton winced at that horrible word. “I honestly do not believe that you would hurt me. I mean, I thought that when we first met again. You absolutely terrified me when you would call my name and chase after me. And, of course, I was worried about it for the first few times that we were alone together. But I genuinely do believe, in the logical part of my brain, that you won’t hurt me.

But like I said, logic doesn’t matter when I’m scared. And I’m always at least a little bit scared. I don’t feel safe with anyone, ever. No matter how well I know and trust someone, I won’t feel safe with them. That includes you.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel comfortable with you, because I honestly do. I mean, I called you for a reason. If I didn’t feel comfortable with you, I wouldn’t spend so much time with you. And I absolutely wouldn’t have thought of you during my attack today.

So no, I don’t feel safe with you. But things do feel like everything is a little easier when you’re with me.”

Calum felt a little lighter, just from saying all of that. He had never talked to anyone about that stuff. Everyone else knew it from experience, so he had never told anyone before. Not until now.

“I’m glad that at least there’s that. I’m sorry that I can’t help you feel safe, but I’m glad that I can make your life a little easier. It’s the least I can do, after everything I did to you.”

“I don’t hold that against you. You changed, in a very good way. I know that you don’t want to do that to me, or anyone else, ever again. Honestly, I feel like it was bound to happen. Even if you hadn’t said that stuff, they were bound to find out. I would have gotten a crush on some guy and told him, or maybe I’d just be caught staring at some guy’s ass. They would have found out. I mean, honestly, it could have happened on the exact same night. I would have probably gotten really drunk and made a move on someone. Honestly, I’m surprised that that hadn’t happened even before I turned sixteen. I don’t want you to blame yourself anymore. It won’t help either of us”

“Even if it would have happened anyway, I’m still so sorry for it. I shouldn’t have done it at all, but I absolutely wouldn’t have if I had known about the damage that I would do to my own soulmate.”

“Thank you, for apologizing. I’d never actually gotten an apology before, so it really means alot to me that you’ve given me that.”

Calum was about to settle back in, feeling a little more at ease, when Ashton sat up as well. He had a couple things that he needed to tell Calum, too. “You know, when I was young, I didn’t like the soulmate system all that much. My mom hadn’t had much luck with it, my dad leaving her not long after I was born. To be completely honest, I remember hoping that I didn’t have a soulmate at all.

But then I remember getting my tattoo and I was so excited to meet you. I couldn’t believe that someone out there cared about how happy I was before they even knew me. I remember being late to my first class a lot in those two years because I couldn’t stop looking at it in the mirror when I got dressed in the morning. I don’t know if you really saw it before, but it’s in such a pretty script, on the left side of my ribs. I was so hopeful about it from the second I saw it.

I really didn’t deserve to be so hopeful, looking back at it. I was so fucking mean to so many people. I felt like I was so much above people for such stupid reasons. I thought I was hot shit. And I thought that, since my soulmate would already know my name, that that meant that they agreed.”

Ashton paused, almost like he was having trouble just getting the words out. Like confessing these things was one of the most difficult things he had ever had to do, and maybe it was. It doesn’t exactly seem easy to talk about your lowest points has a human being.

“Then that day came, and I said that horrible thing to you and I hurt you. I didn’t even think about it until hours later, which makes it even worse. But it wasn’t the words that I thought of. It was the look I saw in your eyes. You looked like you were dead inside. You looked so tired, and so done with everything. Then the words clicked.

For a moment, once I had realized, I was angry. I was angry that I had spent years waiting to meet my soulmate who knew who I was and loved me already, but instead I got a boy who hated me, rightfully so. Then I was confused. My entire life I had thought that I was straight and that same-sex relationships were wrong. My entire world was flipped on its head by one boy who I didn’t even know.

But then I was angry again. Not at you of course, with myself and with the world. I was angry that the world had turned me from the truth. That there is nothing wrong with boys loving boys or girls loving girls or loving someone or being someone who is both or neither or anything different at all.

I wasn’t sure that I would ever see you again. I didn’t think I deserved to have a soulmate anymore. But I knew that we had to be connected for a reason. I decided that that reason was that I needed to change the world for you. I needed to make the world a safer place for you. That’s why I joined that club, and why I was elected co-president. I haven’t done much, but I’ve changed a few minds.

Even though I was sure that we would never see each other again, I always looked. Not so that we could date and marry eventually, I wanted to apologize for that day. I didn’t know the extent of the hurt I had caused you, I just knew that you looked like your life was over when I looked into your eyes.

I’m trying not to let what I did years ago rule over me, but I’ve never stopped wanting to fix the world for you. I still want to do that, even if all I can do is hold you , I want to do everything I can to help you feel a little better. I don’t care what you need me for, I’ll be whatever you need.”

Calum had known about Ashton’s parents. And he could remember that he had said what is now tattooed on Ashton’s body was intended to cause him pain. But until now, he had never understood the true impact of his words. He hadn’t imagined that his words good do so much good, when they were fueled with so much built up hate.

It sounds a little cruel, but Calum is very glad that Ashton had gone through such a struggle. If the pain and confusion it caused him forced him to go through the transformation that he had, then Calum was truthfully thankful for it.

“You are. You do. You have made things easier for me. Just tonight, you’ve saved me a little. The last time I was alone for a panic attack, a passed out because I couldn’t breathe and I hit my head. That would have happened again tonight, or something else even worse would have. I’m not in my right mind when I get like that, and if I didn’t have you I could have done something to myself. I don’t mean that to get pity or anything like that, it’s the truth. You saved me a little tonight.”

“I’ll always save you. Whenever you need me, I’ll be there. Like I said before, I will never let anyone hurt you again.”

“I believe you. I trust you.”

“That’s all I could ever ask of you. Until then, you need to sleep tonight. Is there anything that I can do to help you do that?”

It was such a relief for Calum, because he knew that Ashton was telling the truth through all of that. If he was lying, his heart beat would have sped up, the same with his breathing. But that didn’t happen. All that happened was that Ashton pulled him even closer into his chest.

“Play with my hair? I’m already feeling more relaxed than before, but that will help me get the rest of the way there.”

“Anything for you.”

Calum could have been imagining it, but in his last seconds of consciousness, he could have sworn that he felt lips on his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, this chapter was one that I had been thinking about ever since I first got the idea for this story. It didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it to, but I think that it's pretty okay.
> 
> I'm not really sure when the next chapter will be out. To be honest, this was the last chapter that I've completely written, plus I've got a lot going on with university over the next three weeks, I will make sure that the chapter is posted at the most a few days after my last final.
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you thought! I also really really want to hear what you guys think will happen in the future of this fic.
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exams and the holidays kicked my ass, but I'm back!

Calum and Ashton received a rather rude awakening the next morning. At about 8:30 a.m. their door opened, which didn’t actually wake them up. What did wake them up was Michael near yelling “What the fuck?”

The pair, who had been holding each other even closer than they had been when they had fallen asleep, jumped awake and apart. “What the fuck are you doing here, in his fucking bed? Are you fucking? Seriously Calum? Of all fucking people, you pick this asshole? If you were that fucking desperate I would have hooked you up. Too horny to fucking think, aren’t you?”

Calum shrunk back under Michael’s harsh words and aggressive tone. Noticing this, Ashton knew that he needed to fix this situation immediately. “Mate, lower your voice a bit. that’s a bit uncalled for.” Ashton got up out of bed, approaching Michael slowly. “We didn’t do anything. I mean, we’re both fully clothed. But even if we did, Calum is an adult. He can make his own decisions with what to do with his body.

He had an attack. He didn’t feel safe, and he couldn’t breathe. He called me, so I came to him. I comforted him the best I could. After all of that, I wasn’t going to leave him alone unless he wanted me to, so I stayed over. That’s it. Calm down.”

Thank god, for Calum’s sake, Michael did calm down. “You had another attack? What happened? Why didn’t you call me?”

Slowly, Calum uncurled himself. This is Michael. This is his best friend, who has never ever wanted to cause him pain ever. He yelled because we was upset, not because he wants bad things to happen to Calum.

“I saw a guy from high school. He was here. And he saw me. So I ran and I started having an attack.”

“But why didn’t you call me? You know that you could have.”

“I did, Mikey. I did call you. You didn’t answer.”

Instantly, Michael grew even more pale than he already was. All of a sudden he looked and sounded like he was going to start crying. He dropped to his knees in front of Calum, unable to hold himself up under the strain of what he had just learned. “I didn’t...it died. My phone died and I didn’t charge it. Luke was sick last night and I took care of him last night and I...I didn’t think...fuck, Cally. I didn’t think.”

And then he actually was crying. Doing his best to hold in his tears, because he wasn’t the one who should be upset here, but failing horribly. “I’m so sorry, Cally. I promised you that I would always be there for you, but I wasn’t. I failed you. I’m so sorry.”

Calum didn’t have any choice but to hug his best friend and hold him as closely as he possibly could. He couldn’t let his friend hurt like this, especially not over him. So he held his friend, and rubbed his hand over Michael’s back, trying to comfort him. “It’s okay, Mikey. I’m okay. I’m fine.”

Michael pulled away, still crying. “But what if you weren’t? What if you weren’t okay? You...you told me that you wouldn’t be here anymore if I wasn’t there for you, and I wasn’t. Were you thinking about that last night? When I didn’t answer, did you think about that?”

Calum shrugged before he thought of how to say the truth without hurting Michael. “I did. For a few minutes, I thought about it. But then I called Ashton instead of doing everything. Ashton ran over and he talked to me and helped me to breathe again. And he kept talking to me and then he held me like I needed to be held and then I slept through the night. I didn’t do anything that I shouldn’t have, I swear.”

“Well, thank god for Ashton.”

Ashton had been feeling like he should probably leave, like he was learning things about Calum that Calum might not be ready for him to know. But, he didn’t want to leave until Calum told him to. Just in case Calum still needed him. He was glad that he did stay, even if he might have to pretend that he hadn’t listened to what they said, because Michael stood and walked the few steps it took to get to where Ashton had backed off to, and Michael hugged Ashton as tight as he possibly could.

“Thank you Ashton. Thank you for being there for him. Thank you for...for answering and for going to him and for staying with him. I’m so sorry for everything I said to you.”

Awkwardly, Ashton wrapped his arms around Michael and patted him on the back. “It’s okay, I really haven’t done anything to change anything. You have every right to hate me, so you really don’t need to apologize to me. But I think you should apologize to Calum about what you just said to him, and the way to said it. Cause that was, like, pretty fucked up.”

It was fucked up, yelling at Calum like he was some stupid kid. He got enough of that from other people, he didn’t need it from his dearest friend.

Michael went back to Calum, but he dragged Ashton by the wrist to join the pair. “Ashton’s right, that was so wrong of me to say. I know that you don’t like yelling, but I did it anyway. That was so stupid of me. And I really shouldn’t have assumed that I knew what was happening. I mean, we cuddle all of the time. You two should be allowed to do that if you want, too. And also, if you have been doing something...something else, then that would be fine, too. I shouldn’t have said otherwise. Calum, you have the right to do whatever you want with your body. And knowing what I know about you, that makes what I said especially horrible. I’m really sorry, Calum. For what I said, and how I said it.”

“I’m not mad. I get it, sort of. It’s just...last night sucked. And this morning sucked too. But that’s, I mean, we’re okay.”

“Yeah, we’re okay. Are you okay? After last night?”

Calum shrugged. “I guess so. Physically, I’m fine. But I really don’t like the fact that that guy was here, and that he knows that I’m here.”

“I know. We’ll figure something out. No matter what, I will not let what happened in high school happen to you again. Right Ashton?”

“Right. Of course. Nothing like that will ever happen to you again, not with us around. We’ll figure it out.”

And then, an idea struck him. Calum doesn’t want to be treated like a child who needs to be taken care of and protected from the big scary world. Ashton may have an idea on how to make sure that he doesn’t have to feel like that anymore.

“I, um, I maybe have an idea. I know that you’re both extremely anti-violence, as everyone should be. But, um, I feel like maybe you should learn to fight back. I hate the idea that you would ever need it, but I could teach you how to throw a proper punch. And, I mean, I’m sure that there are self defense classes available somewhere that could teach you more than I could. I mean, if that was what you wanted.”

Well, fighting back was never something that he had wanted to do. Calum never wanted to cause pain to anyone, ever. Not even if it meant saving himself. But, well, he very well might be in danger again. And he is sick and tired of being scared.

“I wouldn’t...I don’t want to hurt anyone. But if you think that it might be a good idea, I’d give it a try.”

“I do think that it’s a good idea. Don’t worry about it, though. I’ll figure out the details for you. You just keep doing whatever it is that you have to do.”

“Okay. I’ll, um, I’ll go.”

“Good. I guess should probably go now, shouldn’t I? Give you two some space.” These two seemed like they still needed to recover from what happened when Michael first walked in, so Ashton figured that him leaving would be the best thing. To make sure that it wasn’t just him thinking that, he turned back to Luke. “That is, unless you want me to stay.”

“Actually,” interjected Michael “I was thinking that I should probably get back to Luke. I mean, you know that I love you and care about how you feel, Calum. But he probably shouldn’t be alone, either.”

Calum didn’t exactly like the way that that little sentence made him seem weak and vulnerable, like a child. But, Michael wasn’t exactly wrong. It probably isn’t the best thing for Calum to be alone. When he’s alone, he thinks. Thinks awful things, just like he had before he called Ashton. He thinks and he cries and things just get a little extra awful.

“Oh. Well, um, okay. I’ll stay. If Calum wants me to, of course.” Ashton looked to Calum and raised an eyebrow. “Whatever you want.”

“If you want to. If you don’t have anything else that you need to do.”

“Then I’ll stay. For however long you need me to.”

“I’d better go, then. Luke is probably fine, but, like, he’s totally miserable. Needs a good cuddle. Text me if you need or want anything at all, okay?” Calum nodded. Michael turned to Ashton, seeming oddly nervous all of a sudden. “Hey, uh, Ashton?” Instead of actually speaking, Ashton just raised an eyebrow and sort of hummed. “I’m sorry about misjudging you. You actually seem really cool. We should, like, hang out sometime. The four of us should, once Luke is better.”

“Yeah, for sure. I mean, we’re all getting busy with exams coming up. But I’m sure that we can all figure something out.”

With that, and after kissing Calum on the forehead, Michael left the pair alone.

Once Michael left, Ashton was quick to notice that a small frown on Calum’s face. “Are you okay, Cal?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“You sure? Because you, um, you don’t look completely okay.” The frown grew even more prevalent. “You don’t have to talk about anything, of course. I just want to make sure that you know that you can tell me if anything is upsetting you at all.”

After a moment of silence, Calum laid back down. He looked to be debating on whether he felt like talking, or about what to say. Then, he spoke softly. “Just a couple little things. Not a big deal, just little things.”

“Okay. Do you feel like talking about anything? I know that we’ve been talking a lot and that’s probably tiring.”

Ashton decided that it was probably okay to lay beside Calum, leaving a few inches between them in case Calum wasn’t okay with contact with him, even if he had been fine with it just minutes before.

“Mostly just tired,” Calum started off. “Once I fell asleep, I slept well. But, like, we didn’t get near eight hours. Definitely still tired from last night, too.”

“We could for sure just go back to sleep. Or we can eat something and then nap, or just relax. You still might be mentally tired after that, but your body being rested will help. Is there a second thing?”

“Second thing, Michael is never that mean. He has never blown up like that before, especially at me. I don’t want you to think that he doesn’t love and respect me the way that he actually does.”

“Everyone fucks up sometimes, right? His fuck up was mean, but as long as you don’t believe it, and as long as he doesn’t say something like that to you again, it’s fine. I definitely believe that he loves you, and that he respects you. Is there a third thing?” Calum nodded. “Feel like sharing?”

Again, there was a short silence before Calum decided to speak. “I don’t like that Michael mentioned things that I think sometimes when I’m alone. It’s...embarrassing. I don’t like people knowing things about me when I’m not the one who tells them. I wasn’t ready to share that with you. I know that he didn’t mean for that to happen, he was just concerned. I’m not mad at him about that. I’m just sad that you know about it.”

“I don’t think differently about you or anything. But, I am sorry that you didn’t get you decide on sharing that with me or not, like you should have been allowed to. Is that a thing that you think about a lot, though?”

Calum shook his head. “Nah, not really. Haven’t thought about it very much over the last month or so, aside from last night. And it isn’t something that I think about seriously, anyway. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I still will worry about you. Just know that if you need to talk to someone, or just be with someone, I’ll be there. Is there anything else.”

“No, that’s it right now. I’m good.”

“You sure? Do you want to sleep again? Or do you want to get some breakfast?”

“Breakfast sounds good. We’ve got milk in the fridge and some cereals here, or we could go and get something somewhere else if you would rather.”

“Staying here would be good with me.”

The pair didn’t end up leaving the room for the rest of the day. If they were hungry, they just had more cereal. It wasn’t much worse than what every other university student would eat anyway.It might have been a good idea to study, but that didn’t end up happening. They ended up just watching movies for the whole day.

At some point, Calum did end up falling asleep halfway through a movie that neither really cared much about. Ashton didn’t mind Calum falling asleep. He looks so peaceful in his sleep, His eyes softly shut, lips slightly parted, and curled up with his face tucked into Ashton’s neck. Ashton would be happy to spend hours just watching him sleep and listen to his little sleep noises.

Of course, he didn’t stay asleep forever, actually only for about an hour and a half. When Calum woke up, he was content to stay in bed with Ashton. He welcomed the close proximity, despite the fact that it was something new between them and new things usually freaked him out.

Michael came back to the room much later that day, when the sun had just begun to set with a sleepy and generally miserable looking Luke in tow.

Ashton decided that it was probably a good time for him to leave, now that both Michael and Luke were here. He knew that he didn’t fit here yet, and didn’t want to assume that he could be welcome to stay another night. “I’d better head out. Are you alright if I go?” Ashton asked Calum.

“Yeah, I’m good. See you soon?”

“Of course. Can I hug you?”

Maybe it was unnecessary for Calum to ask now, particularly after they had spent the last twenty four hours or so cuddled up together, But he figured that it would always be better to ask and know it was okay, than to go for it when Calum didn’t actually want physical contact with him.

“Of course.”

So, they hugged. It maybe even lasted a few seconds longer than their hugs usually did. And, well, Ashton couldn’t resist pressing a light kiss to Calum’s cheek before pulling his arms away. “See you in a few days, Call me if you need anything?” Calum nodded. “Feel better, Luke. And uh, let me know when you guys want me to come by.”

It wasn’t until a few days later, on Wednesday, that the four of them were actually all free. Before that, Luke had still been sick, Ashton had been busy with club stuff, and Michael and Calum had both had a paper due.

Of course, Ashton and Calum had gotten together on Tuesday, as they always did. It was a pretty normal meetup, talking mostly about what they had been up to over the past few days since they had last seen each other. Admittedly, not much had happened. But somehow, they didn’t run out of things to talk about.

When Ashton walked Calum to his next class, Calum couldn’t help but thank him again for helping him over the weekend. Ashton told him that it was no problem at all (even if he had had to spend his full Sunday catching up on what he should have done the day before) and that he would always be there as soon as he possibly could, whenever Calum needed him. He certainly meant him. They hugged goodbye, promising to see each other the next evening.

Thanks to the hours of Calum’s job, they wouldn’t be able to hang out until sort of late. Ashton knew that he would end up leaving within a few hours, since they all did have class the next day. All the same, and despite his fears, Ashton was really looking forward to it. So, he couldn’t be blamed if he showed up a little early.

Of course that meant that Calum wasn’t there yet. It was just Michael there, who opened the door. Not even Luke had arrived yet. “Oh, uh, hey, Michael.”

“Hi. You can come in. Cal will be here in probably, like, ten minutes.”

Aston did as he was told, taking a seat on Calum’s bed when the door was shut behind him. “How’s Luke doing? He’s feeling better, yeah?”

Ashton figured out that that was probably a safe way to start, talking about Michael’s boyfriend. “He’s good. The nausea and shit was just a twenty-four hour thing, so he’s fine now. Been going to class and everything.”

“That’s good.” It was pretty silent for too long for it not to be uncomfortable after that. Michael just sat on his own bed and stared at Ashton with Calculating eyes. “Are you sure that you’re okay with me being here? I know that I’m not exactly your favourite person.”

“Yeah, you’re right. You’re not anywhere near my favourite. But I do want to like you. You obviously mean a lot to Calum. And unless you fuck up again, you’ll be in my life, too. But here’s the thing, I’m still pissed about what you did to Calum. There is one thing that I need to do to get over it”

Well, Ashton figured that Michael had a bit worse than hard feelings for him. He absolutely deserved all the anger that Michael could possibly feel for him. All the same, he figured that them at least getting along probably wouldn’t work out if it continued. “Okay. What do you need to do?”

Ashton didn’t have any ideas as to what it might be. He figured that it would be something more than just an apology, but he didn’t know what else it could be.

Michael stood and took the very few steps that it took to stand directly in front of Ashton. Michael moved so quickly, Ashton didn’t even see Michael raise his his hand to smack him him right across the face. “Ow. Fuck, Michael.”

When Ashton looked back up, he wasn’t expecting Michael to be cringing at his pain right along with him. “Are you okay?”

Well, it really fucking hurt, actually. It was a hard enough smack that Ashton was almost knocked off of the bed. “Was that the thing?”

“Well, yeah. I’ve been wanting to do at least that for years. Just needed to get it out of my system. Are you okay? I didn’t mean to hit you quite that hard.”

It was definitely stinging, Ashton was just hoping that it wouldn’t leave a bruise. But, if it helped the situation, he’d deal with it. “I’m fine. Is your hand alright?”

Michael looked a little taken aback. “Uh, yeah. Fuck, I slap you and you don’t even complain.”

“I just really want this to work out. Are we alright now?”

“Yeah, we’re good.” Michael went over to the mini fridge and got an ice pack out of the little freezer compartment. He handed it to Ashton, who pressed it to his stinging cheek, and sat down beside him. “So you and Calum are getting pretty close, huh?”

“I guess so, yeah. We’re definitely closer than we were a couple months ago.” Both physically, with the hugs and cuddling, as well as mentally and emotionally. “I like him a lot.”

“Yeah, uh, speaking of that, do you mind if I offer you some advice?” Ashton nodded. “Don’t ever ask Calum to have sex with you.”

It wasn’t the advice that he was expecting, and he wasn’t sure that it was appropriate. “Michael, Calum and I aren’t like that. We’re not dating. We’ve never even kissed.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “I know that, but I also know that it isn’t totally out of the question. It could happen. And if it does, this is something that you’ll need to know. There is a lot of shit that Calum has been through that he hasn’t told you about, and this links with all of that. It’s okay if you do have sex, but please don’t ask or tell him to do anything with you. Don’t even try to initiate anything sexual. Let him do that. If you ask him, he probably would. But, like, he might only because he feels like he has to. Don’t let that happen.”

“I wouldn’t. If that ever did happen, I wouldn’t let that happen. I never want to hurt him again, in any way.”

“Good. Then I think that we’re going to get along just fine.”

Just then, the door opened, Calum and Michael walking in, pizza boxes in hand. They were chatting, but stopped when they saw the pair sitting on the bed. “Hey, Ash.” Calum greeted him, a shy smile on his face as he set the boxes down on Michael’s bed.

“Hey.” Ashton stood, abandoning the ice pack on the bed, and wrapped his arms around Calum. “You alright?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” Calum pulled back. “What happened to you?” He started to look horribly worried. “Did someone…”

Calum lied. He didn’t want Calum to think that his best friend could do something like this. “No, did it to myself by accident. I couldn’t get my gym locker open so I pulled it really hard, and it opened when I wasn’t expecting it to and smacked me in the face. Michael got me ice when I got here.”

It sounded pretty plausible to him, and he was pretty sure that the mark wouldn’t look like a handprint or anything. Calum seemed to buy it. “Be more careful next time. Let’s get the ice back on it before it swells up.”

Calum grabbed the ice pack off of the bed, gently shoved Ashton back onto the bed, and pressed the ice onto his face himself.

Michael grabbed his laptop, pulling up Netflix, and the four dug into the pizza. After everything that had happened, the rest of their night went surprisingly smoothly. Michael and Luke are both really great guys, and Ashton was sure that if everything went the way that he hoped he could be really good friends with them.

At the end of the night, when it was time for Ashton to reluctantly leave, he was sure that Michael was right. They would all get along just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that it took me so long to write this, I had a lot of trouble motivating myself to write anything over the past month. I know that this chapter isn't at the same level as all of the one before, so I hope that you guys still like this one well enough.
> 
> Remember to leave kudos and comments. Your feedback really helps to motivate me!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	11. Chapter 11

Calum and Ashton decided that the whole self defence thing would have to wait until next term, because the beginning of final exams was only about a week away. For the time being, Calum would either go back to driving everywhere, or making sure that he always had someone to walk with. Which, really, was not a big deal at all.

Some days were spent by the four boys studying and writing papers, usually with all of them in the same room. Keeping each other company silently, occasionally comforting each other when they inevitably slammed their faces into their books in frustration.

When they weren’t all together, which would be impossible for them to be because of their schedules, they would sometimes split up into pairs. This is what led to Calum and Ashton sitting on Calum’s bed, books open with them both focussing as much as they were capable of.

Considering the fact that Calum groaned rather loudly, rubbing his hands over his eyes. “You good?” asked Ashton.

“Yeah, theory is just harder than it should be. You’d think that I would be able to remember it all, considering that I apply it all whenever I play.”

Calum is probably being a little too hard on himself. Playing music and having a deep technical understanding of music is different. “I think you need to give your brain a break. Staring at it all won’t help if that’s all that you do.”

“Don’t have time for a break. I’ve still got to do stuff with the radio show, so I’ve got to use all the time I have.”

Which is, well, true. And it is a thing that university students all tend to feel. But it’s probably not healthy to study literally all of the time. “Still, a short break would be good for you.”

“Will you take one with me? Lay with me for a bit?”

Ashton accepted, figuring that a 15 minute break wouldn’t hurt his grade. Ashton took their books and notes and setting them on the floor to free up the little bit of the bed that they had been taking up. It wasn’t all that cold in the room, so Ashton didn’t bother with the blanket as he lay down beside Calum, Given the size of the bed, hardly any space existed between them.

The pair laid together, looking up at the ceiling and saying little for several minutes. “You sure you’re okay, Cal? You seem exhausted.”

Calum shrugged, not looked to his side at Ashton. “It’s just stress, I think. Had a bad dream last night, but it wasn’t that bad.”

“You’ve never really told me about those, your dreams. Do you want to?”

Calum supposed that that wasn’t something that he would have had a reason to share before. He hadn’t had a dream that night that Ashton stayed over, so he hadn’t had a reason to bring them up. Even though that he had been the one to say it, Calum was a little weirded out that he had mentioned them just now. It wasn’t like him to talk about personal things. But, Ashton hasn’t given him a proper reason not to tell him things, and everyone has nightmares every now and then so they aren’t that big of a deal. It shouldn’t be something to be embarassed enough, as long as he wasn’t sharing all of the details.

“I have bad dreams, like, a couple times a week. I don’t remember most of them, once I wake up, but they’re all about either things that had happened to be in the past, or things that I’m scared of happening in the future.”

“What kind of things?” Ashton asked softly.

“Scary things. Things that I don’t like thinking or talking about.”

“That’s awful, especially since you have them so often. Sleep should be restful, not as scary or more scary than real life. I’m sorry that you have to deal with that.”

“Yeah, well, they’re not something that can be helped.”

“Really? Nothing at all helps them?”

“I mean, I guess they’re not as bad when someone is with me. I still have them, but they’re not quite so terrible. Especially because when I wake up and I’m all scared, I have someone there to remind me that in reality, I’m safe.”

“You didn’t have one when I was here” Ashton observed.

“No, I guess I didn’t.”

Ashton said, completely truthfully, “I’d stay with you every night, if that would help.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I would.” Ashton rolled over to look at Calum. “Only if you wanted me to. But I’d do whatever you wanted, if it would help.”

“If I, you know, called you when it was like, 3 a.m. and I needed, I, um, I needed you, would you come?” Calum asked, a little nervous that even hypothetically, he was asking for too much.

“Obviously. You’re my...you matter to me, Calum, so much.”

Calum breathed a sigh of relief. Ashton is certainly one of the sweetest people that Calum has ever met. Sure, they have an awful history. Calum has forgiven him for it, but he hasn’t forgotten. That would be practically impossible. But people change, and Ashton has changed just about as much as any person can in the best way possible.

“You matter to me too. You’re my…”

Calum didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence, and he quickly forgot what he was going to say. Because Calum’s lips were quickly covered by Ashton’s.

Calum’s heart sped up, his blood pumping in his ears. He didn’t know what he was feeling, had no idea what to think. Wasn’t even sure if he was capable of thought anymore. He didn’t have all that much time to think before Ashton pulled away, eyes wide with something not unlike panic. “A-Ashton?”

Ashton spoke quickly as he stood, stumbling over his words as he backed away.“Fuck. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have...fuck, I did not have the right to do that. I am so sorry, Calum.”

“I-It’s okay,” Calum stuttered, trying to calm Ashton down.

“It’s not okay.” Ashton said, still panicking. “I should have...I don’t know, I should have asked. I shouldn’t have done it at all, but I should have asked at the very least.”

“No, it is okay.” Calum said with much more certainty. “We were...we were in bed together, and we were having a moment. It’s alright. I just...I don’t really know how to feel right now.”

“I, uh, yeah. I should go now, shouldn’t I?” Ashton stumbled back a little more, turning away from Calum. “Yeah...I’m going to go.”

“You don’t have to go” Calum said, just as Ashton’s hand reached for the door knob. “I’m not upset I just...I wasn’t expecting that.”

Ashton’s body sagged in relief, but still was on edge. “I, uh, yeah. I wasn’t really planning on doing that either. Are you sure? Because, like, I’m the one who fucked up.”

“I don’t know if you did, is the thing. I didn’t have any clue that you maybe, you know, liked me. I don’t know how I feel about you. I’ve never, you know, let myself think of you like that. Or anyone, really. I don’t do crushes. I’ve never even, you know, I’ve never kissed a boy before.”

“Wait, really? But you’ve had...oh.” He’s had sex, but he’s never been kissed. Which is kind of weird and maybe fucked up, but this wasn’t the time to talk about that. “So I’m...I took your first kiss without your permission.”

Calum rushed to assure him. “It wasn’t, you know, bad. It was nice, I think.”

“Okay. Well, good.” A slight amount of tension left Ashton. “Now, is there anything that I can do to help? Because I know you, and I know that you’re not as calm right now as you’re trying to make me think you are.”

Ashton was right, Calum is not feeling calm at all. His heart hasn’t really calmed down and he is barely managing to keep his breath even. He had kept his voice pretty normal, but he wasn’t exactly feeling his best. “You’re right.”

“Yeah, I know. Now what can I do for you?”

“S-sit with me?”

“Of course.” Ashton sat down beside him on the bed, maybe a foot in between them. “Is touch okay?”

“Yeah. I’m not having a panic attack.”

“I know you’re not.” Ashton placed a hand on his back, rubbing slow circles that was soothing enough. “But you’re still freaking out just a little, yeah?”

“A bit. Not bad.”

“Would talking it out help a little?”

“I, um, maybe. That would be weird, though. Because, like, I need to talk about…”

“It’s okay. I’m your friend first. I’m not going to be offended if you don’t want to kiss me. If you decide that that’s not what you want, I’m going to do my best to get rid of those feelings. You being my friend is more than enough for me. If you want to talk, then you can. But if you’d rather not, that’s fine too.”

“I’ve just...I’ve really never had romantic feelings for anyone before. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling here.”

“Okay, then what do you know? Any ideas?”

“Well, I mean, I know that I think you’re attractive.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I’ve always thought that. Even back in high school, I thought that.” That was a bit of a spike to Ashton’s self esteem.

“Okay, well, what else? What else do you know?”

“I feel calm with you. You terrified me at first, but ever since then you’ve made it easy for me to relax around you. The way you speak and act. The way you pay such close attention to everything. I swear, half the time you know what I’m feeling before I do. But when I am anxious around you, you always seem to know what to do to help me calm down.”

“Except for that first time.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t know me then. You didn’t know that I don’t like small spaces. But then you were still quick to help me.”

“Okay. So you think I’m attractive, I help you feel safer, and I’m good at helping you calm down. What else?”

“You’re easy to talk to. I mean, this should be so fucking embarrassing to talk about. In fact, we shouldn’t be talking about this at all. Anyone else would just leave, and our friendship would be ruined after that. And yet, here we are. I feel like I can tell you almost everything.

You put so much effort into trying to make me happy, and you do. Whenever we hang out, I leave feeling a little lighter. I’ve smiled more since I’ve known you these past few months, than I had in the couple years before. Even when everything else is awful, and I can’t even go outside without feeling completely terrified, I always feel better when I’m around you.

I haven’t let myself feel anything for anyone before, you know. There was no way that I could let myself get a crush on anyone. With my luck, the guy would turn out to be completely straight, and homophobic and beat me up for being a pervert. You’ve got to forgive me if I don’t know what I’m doing here.”

“Of course, you don’t have to decide anything right now. I’ll give you as much time as you need, even if your decision is no.”

“You’re always like that. You always put me and my feelings above yourself. You dedicated yourself to making the world a better place for me. You rush to me when you’re busy with other people, just because I’m scared. You stay with me through the night, to make sure that I still feel safe.”

“Because you matter to me.”

“A lot of people matter to you, but you don’t do this stuff for everyone.”

“Of course not. You’re my soulmate, and my very good friend. You’ve seen every good and bad part of me, and yet you still let me stay around.”

“I want you around. Not only because you’re my soulmate.”

“Just because I’m your soulmate, that still doesn’t mean that you have to have romantic feelings for me. It’s up to you whether or not I’m in your life at all.”

“I know that for a long time, you thought that I’m only your soulmate so that you could learn to be a better person. I don’t think that. I mean, maybe that’s a part of it. It does give a reason for me to come into your life. But it doesn’t explain why you’re in my life. No offense, but meeting you that first time taught me nothing good. We’re not supposed to be temporary, that I know for sure. Maybe we are just destined to be friends. Friends are just as important as romantic relationships. But maybe...maybe I want us to be more than just friends.”

“Do you really?”

“I think I do. I want...I think I want you to kiss me again. I think then, I know for sure.”

“Are you sure that that’s what you want?”

“I’m so sure. My head feels clearer now that my heart isn’t racing anymore. I’m not saying that because it’s what you want me to want, or because it’s what I’m supposed to want. I think I like you. I really want you to kiss me. I want you to be my second kiss, too.”

“I’ll be anything for you. Anything you could ever want.”

Calum leant in, maybe just half way, and fluttered his eyes shut. He didn’t need to wait even a second before Ashton closed the gap. They didn’t move at all at first, it was just a barely there press of lips.

Somehow, Calum knew that Ashton wouldn’t be the one to try and take this further. They weren’t kissing just because Ashton wanted to, though Calum figured that he probably did, considering that he had kissed Calum the first time. Ashton was kissing him, because Calum needed this.

Instead of trying to kiss harder, or to even try and move at all, Calum pulled back just barely. “I know now. For sure.”

Still so close that their lips almost brushed as he spoke, Ashton said “Tell me.”

“I knew before, but I’m sure now. You mean a lot to me. No one has ever become so important to me so fast before. I like you, Ash. I absolutely have feelings for you.”

Ashton moved so that he could just kiss Calum’s cheek, lips lingering for a few seconds before he pulled away by a few inches. “I want to take you out, on a proper date. Do you want that?”

Calum couldn’t help the wide smile that spread across his face. “Please. You know that I don’t know what I’m doing in, you know, any sort of romantic or intimate situation but…”

“I’ll guide you. You don’t have to be scared with me. Just as long as you promise to tell me if I do something that makes you scared or uncomfortable at all, I will do everything I can to make everything perfect for you.”

“I don’t need perfect. I just need you.”

Calum didn’t know where the confidence came from that let him say that, maybe it was the butterflies in his stomach, but he liked it very much. “If that’s the case, can I kiss you again?”

“You don’t need to ask, you can just kiss me.”

“Babe,” Calum very much liked that pet name. “I only just stopped asking if I could hug you a couple of weeks ago. I like asking. I like knowing that you’re sure, especially if we’re doing something new.”

Calum could understand that. And though he didn’t want to admit it, he really appreciated it because he knew that someday he would say no for one reason or another. It was horribly sweet and kind of him. “Okay. Well, then, yes. I want you to kiss me again. Immediately.”

Ashton wasn’t one to turn down a request such as that, especially not when it came from this specific person. He didn’t hesitate to kiss Calum, properly this time. He lifted a hand to cradle Calum’s cheek in his palm, bringing him in even closer. Calum settled one hand comfortably on Ashton’s bicep, and the other on the back of Ashton’s neck.

Calum knew that Ashton wouldn’t move until he initiated it. Obviously, he had no idea what he was doing. Theoretically, he knows that first kisses and the few after that aren’t ever the best. You’ve got to figure out what feels good for yourself and whoever you’re kissing. No one knows what they’re doing the first time that they kiss someone, so he has no reason to feel bad about himself.

So, he did his best, and he started to move his lips against Ashton’s. He figured that he wasn’t doing awful, because he could feel Ashton smile against his lips before reciprocating.

Ashton his fingers of his free hand through Calum’s hair, just barely tugging. Calum didn’t even realize that he let out a little whimper until Ashton pulled away with a little smirk on his lips. “You really do like having your hair played with, don’t you?”

“S-sorry.”

“Don’t apologizing for liking something.” Ashton leant forward and pecked his lips again. “But I think we’ve probably had enough of a break. It was the best study break I’ve ever had, but we’d better focus.”

“Y-yeah, you’re probably right”

Ashton hauled their books off the floor and back up onto the bed, handing Calum his. For a minute or two, they actually did try and get down to business. But Calum knew that he wouldn’t be able to focus until he confirmed something. “So that’s going to, you know, happen again, right? This wasn’t a one time thing or...a mistake.”

“Of course it isn’t either of those things. I like you a lot, and you just said that you like me too. You do like me, right? You’re sure?”

“I’m sure. I definitely like you.”

“Then I want that to happen again. And I want to take you out on dates. And I want to do whatever else you want. I’m not fucking with you, I mean that. Believe me?”

“I believe you.”

“Good. If you ever feel unsure about that, I want you to tell me, and I will help.” Ashton gave Calum a quick peck on the cheek. “Now, I don’t know about you, but if I want to pass this shit, I really do need to get back to work.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that I should probably go ahead and take back the whole 'I'll update every two weeks' thing. This semester is much busier for me than last semester so far, and it's only going to get worse. I'll still write whenever I can. Hopefully it won't be a full month between chapters again.
> 
> Kudos and comments would be really appreciated! Comments especially help me get motivated to work on this fic, and I would really love you know what you all think!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that I've been gone for a month and a half, but I'm back now with a long ass chapter.

Things were going really well. To Calum, it was bizarre how well it was going. Sure, it’s only been a week and a bit, but it’s been so nice. They have been on a couple of dates, and they have genuinely gone really well. Mostly, they’ve kept with their usual meetings during the week, but they also spent basically the entire weekend together. Mostly just studying, really. Because the coming week is the last of their classes for this semester. And then, exam time. But they also spent a lot of time just talking and, well, making out.

And it was all so nice. More than just nice, Calum was feeling the absolute best he had ever felt. The only this is, Ashton really enjoys physical affection. And it isn’t that Calum doesn’t. He likes cuddling a hugging and kissing a lot. He loves it when Ashton touches him in a sort of subconscious way, thumb gently rubbing over his hand or thigh while they study, fixing Calum’s hair, little things like that. Calum loves all of that, though his favourite thing to do may now be kissing Ashton. But, he doesn’t like it so much when they’re in public.

It’s terrifying. His absolute biggest fear is that someone will see them, who won’t be such a big fan of them. Like, well, the guy from high school. Or any other guy just like him. A hug or two is fine, but one day they are going to end up holding hands. And when that day comes, or a day soon after that, something bad is going to happen to him. Or to Ashton. Or the both of them.

He knows that Ashton doesn’t like that. Sometimes he goes to hold Calum’s hand, across a table or while they’re walking. Or he leans over to kiss him. Not even on the lips, just the cheek. Whenever that happens, Calum shuts down and just pulls away. He doesn’t know how to stop himself from doing that. He doesn’t want to be like this and do these things anymore, but he can’t help it. He’s just too scared.

Whenever it happens, Ashton gets this look in his eyes. He always looks so damn disappointed in him. Disappointed that Calum isn’t capable of something so normal. Then just as quickly as the look comes, Ashton shakes it away and the look leaves his face. He goes back to looking at Calum fondly, but after that he’d seem distracted. That, too, would go away after a short while.

Calum was disappointed in himself, too. He should be capable of being brave. Brave enough to hold his exceptionally understanding and kind boyfriend’s hand. To kiss his boyfriend on the cheek or forehead when they separate for a few hours. If Ashton was a girl, he could do that stuff no problem. But Ashton isn’t a girl. Ashton isn’t a girl, and that scares him for so many reasons.

He came to terms with the fact that he likes boys years ago. He sometimes wishes that he didn’t, but he logically knows that he can never change that. And he likes that Ashton is a man. He likes his deep voice and his stubble and his muscular arms and all of that shit. He is very happy to be dating a boy, especially Ashton. He just doesn’t like how unsafe he feels it makes him.

Michael was more than happy for his best friend. He knew that Ashton was a good guy at heart, didn’t feel the things that used to make him stray from that anymore. He and Ashton talk a bit now, mostly when they’re all hanging out together, but they also text a little. And not just about Calum, they genuinely get along now. And, Luke likes him too. Definitely a bonus.

While he loves how happy Ashton seems to make Calum, he also has a more selfish reason for liking the relationship. Michael knows that the pair spends basically all of their time together. And if they’re not together, they will end up talking on the phone together a lot, before or after Calum’s show usually. Michael knows very well that Ashton is protective over Calum, in a very good way. And because Ashton knows where Calum is and what he’s doing, because Calum tells him, and that makes Michael very happy, because it means that Calum is safer.

And because Calum is safer, Michael doesn’t feel as guilty about not always being there when Calum gets home or when he wakes up. He’s taken to spending more than just Friday nights with Luke. Sure, sometimes Luke stays the night at his and Calum’s room, but sometimes it’s nicer to be alone.

They’re in the honeymoon phase, and Michael knows that. He hopes that it won’t happen, but he knows that before long something between them is bound to go wrong in one way or another. But until then, he’s taking the chance he has to spend extra time with his boyfriend.

It was Wednesday. He and Luke had gotten take-away and were now back in Luke’s room.

He was almost certain that he would spend the night. It’s almost ten, and Luke hasn’t kicked him out yet. He isn’t expecting anything. Maybe mutual handjobs or blowjobs, since they’ve done those things before over the past few months.

He loves touching Luke, and being touched by him. Luke hadn’t wanted to try anything for the first month since they tried anything, which is completely fine. Michael was truthful when he said that he could wait however long Luke might need. He absolutely doesn’t need sex to be happy with Luke.

But then Luke said that that was what he wanted, and that night they gave and received their first handjobs. Since then, they’ve had loads of fun. Luke told him that he isn’t comfortable being completely naked in front of him yet, so Michael will take what he can get and be very happy with that.

Right now, they’re lying under the covers on Luke’s bed together, having just put on a random movie on netflix. To be honest, Michael isn’t paying all that much attention to it. Luke’s hair just looks really nice today (even if it is borderline bed head right now), and and his cheeks are a really pretty pink, and his eyes sparkle pretty much all the time. Can you blame him for staring at this gorgeous man instead of a two and a half star movie?

Of course, Luke noticed. Their faces are less than half a foot apart, so of course he did. He turned his head to look into Michael’s eyes, a soft smile on his pretty pretty lips. “Hey” Luke said softly.

“Hey” Michael said in the same tone, smiling as well in the same sort of way.

“What are you thinking about?”

“You,” Michael said plainly, no point in hiding it. Luke should know. “You look really nice today.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “I look the same as I do everyday.”

“Yeah, well, you look really nice everyday. You’re the most gorgeous person I’ve ever met.”

“Shut up” Luke said, though his smile grew even more. “You’re gorgeous.” For a moment, they just stared at each other, smiling. Then Luke spoke again, almost shyly. “Can I tell you something?”

Michael obviously didn’t know what Luke might ask, though he figured that it wasn’t a bad thing based on the fact that Luke is still smiling. “Of course. Anything” Michael promised.”

“I love you.”

While Michael had known that it wouldn’t be a bad thing, he didn’t think that the thing that Luke wanted to tell him would be so wonderful. That it would make him so happy.

They’ve never said that to each other before. Some might say that because they’re soulmates, they should have probably said it within the month that they met. Others would say that soulmates or not, they’ve not even known each other four months yet, and that is far too soon. But hearing Luke say that, it felt perfect.

“I love you too. I have for, I don’t even know how long.”

Luke smiled, maybe the prettiest smile Michael had ever seen. He had no hope of resisting kissing that pretty smile, so he didn’t even try to stop himself.

It started out sweet, a delicate press of lips. It didn’t stay that way for long, though. Neither was sure who deepened the kiss, or if they did it together, but they were soon making out. The words nice or pleasurable couldn’t possibly encapsulate the feeling. There isn’t a better feeling than kissing or touching Luke, of that Michael is sure.”

Who knows how long later, Luke pulled away. Beautiful as ever, lips even pinker, shinier, and plumper now. Michael might have been content to just look at Luke until he fell asleep, but that isn’t what happened.

“Can I show you my tattoo?”

Michael has seen Luke shirtless many times before, but never completely naked. He remembers that the first day they met, that Luke mentioned that his tattoo is in a place too inappropriate to show in public. Since it's obviously not on his pecs or dick something like that, since those are things that he is familiar with, it’s somewhere under his jeans.

Michael certainly didn’t want to say no to that, but he did want to make sure that Luke actually wants to. “You sure? You’re not just doing this because I told you I love you?”

He doesn’t want Luke to do anything because he just feels like he has to, so he needs to be sure. “I want to. Can I?”

If Luke wanted to, he absolutely wasn’t going to say no. “Yes please.”

Luke shut the laptop, clearly not interested in the movie either, and set it on the floor. He pushed the covers off of the both of them. The lamp was turned on, thank god because Michael has been wanting to see this before he even spoke for Luke for the first time and he didn’t want anything to be lost in the dark.

Luke shuffled away from him as Michael sat up against the headboard. Luke turned away from him and took off his top. Michael certainly didn’t mind that, even though the tattoo was still covered. Luke’s back is about as sexy as a back could possibly be.

But then, he slid his thumbs into his sweatpants and tugged down, taking his underwear down with them those few inches. Michael couldn’t hold back the gasp as soon as he saw the top of it, because it was right there. So close above his ass that his pants easily hid it. So close that when the full tattoo was visible, so was the top of Luke’s glorious ass.

The giggle Michael let out was unintentional, but he was too excited about this to be embarrassed by the mildly inappropriate noise. “Oh my god. It’s a tramp stamp. You’ve got a tramp stamp.”

“Y-yeah.” Though he wasn’t facing him, Michael could still tell that he was blushing, because it went down his neck. “Do you like it?”

“Like it? Fuck, Luke. I love it. It’s beautiful.” It was. The script was small, delicate, and perfectly centered. And even more, it was his own words. His own words permanently marked this stunning man. “You’re beautiful, so perfect. Can I touch?”

“Please.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. He was surprised that he wasn’t shaking as he got closer to Luke, He traced the words with a finger, loving the feeling of his skin. “God, Luke. You’re so perfect. Love you so fucking much.”

Michael leant forward and pressed a kiss to the base of Luke’s neck, still tracing over the tattoo with one hand while he held Luke’s hip with the other. “L-love you too.” He whimpered quietly as Michael kissed his neck again. Michael knows that his neck is a sensitive spot for Luke, which is exactly why he likes paying attention to it. “Please…” Luke said, trailing off as Michael dragged his teeth lightly and went back to kissing.

“What do you want? Tell me.”

Luke did just that, told him what he wanted. “Fuck me.”

Michael was expecting Luke to say ‘your mouth’ or ‘touch me’ as he usually might. So, he froze for a second, but went back to what he was doing so that he wouldn’t let Luke know how much that startled him. “Are you sure?”

“Completely. Been wanting it for so long.”

Michael knew that there was still a reason that Luke hadn’t wanted this before, but he didn’t care right now. He wants exactly what Luke wants. “Do you have stuff?”

Luke nodded. He got off the bed, opening the bedside table drawer (of course, because where else do you keep this sort of thing) and pulled out a little bottle and a condom and set them on the bed. He stood over Michael as he helped him take his top off, and then his bottoms until Michael was fully naked in the bed. “You too?”

Luke allowed Michael to tug his sweatpants and underwear down. For a second, they both just stared at each other, cheeks red and roughly the same thoughts in their heads. They both thought that the other was absolutely beautiful. That they were lucky to be here, seeing each other like this.

Luke got back on the bed and swung a leg over Michael’s lap so that he was straddling him. He leant down and kissed him, Michael responding immediately. They couldn’t keep their hands to themselves, Michael’s going to Luke’s plump, pale ass, kneading the flesh in a way that had Luke moaning, hard and dripping. And Luke’s hands went to Michael’s thighs, teasing his upper, inner thighs as he pleased before one hand trailed to Michael’s already very hard dick (how could he not have been hard before Luke touched him with the way Luke looked, and the sounds he made?)

Michael took the opportunity to roll them over so that Luke was lying against the pillows. They kept kissing and touching for another minute or two before Michael pulled away. “Have you ever done this before?”

“No,” Luke said, a little out of breath. “I’m a virgin.”

“I know, me neither. I’ll be gentle, I promise. But have you ever, you know, fingered yourself?” Luke blushed deeper, but nodded. “Ever tried anything bigger? Any toys?”

Michael didn’t think that it was possible, but Luke went even redder, and squirmed a little. “Yeah. Sometimes. Nothing so big, though.”

The compliment went over his head, as Michael had to push the thoughts of Luke playing with himself like that, or he knew that he would cum as soon as he got in Luke. He knew that at one point in the future, he would need to find out what Luke has, and watch. Another time.

“Okay, then I guess you probably know what this might feel like. You’re sure you want to bottom? I could instead, I’d love that, too.”

“Next time, if you want. Right now, I just want you in me.”

Michael moaned just at those words. “Fuck, okay. Whatever you want.”

He grabbed a discarded pillow and got Luke to lift his hips and put it under Luke’s ass, vaguely remembering reading that this could give them a better angle. He grabbed the bottle, popping the cap and drizzling the lube over his fingers, rubbing them together in an attempt to warm up the lube.

He nudged his finger between Luke’s ass cheeks, circling the tip of his finger around his hole. “You ready baby?”

He waited until Luke nodded before he started to push in up to the first knuckle. He could already tell that Luke was incredibly tight, and again had to will back thoughts when he felt precum dribble out of the tip of his dick. He got to the second knuckle before he felt Luke wince a little. “You okay?”

“Y-Yeah.”

“Just relax, baby. I’ve got you. I’ll take care of you.”

He leant down and kissed Luke’s neck again, sucking lightly and leaving little, barely there red marks until he knew that Luke was relaxed. Then, he pressed in the rest of the way. He waited a minute before he started moving his finger in and out, curling it every so often. “Another.”

Michael did what he was told, slowly adding in a second finger. Luke took this one easier, probably mostly because he was relaxed now. When it felt right, he started properly stretching him out, curling and scissoring his fingers.

He payed close attention to Luke’s body language and face, looking for any signs of discomfort or the opposite. He got the exact look he wanted when Luke jolted and made a noise that was like a mix between a squeak and a moan. “There! Fuck, right there!”

Luke took the third finger easily as Michael kept aiming for Luke’s spot, hitting it often as he stretched him out as well as he could. “That’s enough! Fuck, Mike, I’m gonna cum. Don’t wanna cum until you’re in me.”

Michael wasn’t about to leave his boy waiting. He tore open the little packet and rolled the condom on, slathering it with a bit more lube than what was actually needed. He lined himself up and started slowly pushing in. His eyes practically rolled into the back on his head with the unimaginable pleasure of Luke’s tight ass. He had to focus incredibly hard not to thrust in too quickly, and to stop himself from cumming too soon.

Soon enough, he bottomed out. “You okay?” He asked, because Luke had his eyes closed and was breathing quite hard.”

“I’m okay. Just give me a minute.” Michael did that, and again, kissed and sucked at Luke’s neck and collar bones. As he had done a couple times before, he sucked harder and nibbled at one spot on Luke’s collar bone until he was sure that he had left a mark, where Luke could easily hide or show off if he wanted. “I’m good. Move.”

Michael pulled out until only the tip was left inside of him, and then slowly thrusted back inside, getting Luke used to the feeling as he built up a rhythm. He concentrated until he found Luke’s spot again. And fuck, Luke makes the most delicious noises. He made sure to keep hitting the spot again and again, every other thrust.

Luke was writhing and whimpering and moaning beneath him, grappling for purchase on Michael’s back. Michael didn’t even care that his back was bound to be covered in scratches, everything felt too good for him to care about anything other than Luke and this feeling.

“F-fuck I’m close.” Luke said in between breathy moans.

Michael was more than close, knew his thrusts were getting sloppy. But he would be damned if he let himself cum before he got Luke to his release. “Fuck, baby. Cum for me.” He did his best to keep fucking right into Luke’s prostate. “Come on, want to see you. Cum for me.”

Almost on demand, Luke’s face twisted up in ecstasy as he screamed out Michael’s name, cum shooting all over their stomachs. Less than a dozen thrusts later, as he fucked Luke through his orgasm, he thrusted deep inside of Luke and came undoubtedly harder than he ever had before.

A few minutes later, when they had both come down, from their orgasms, Michael pulled out of Luke, making the him wince, for which Michael quickly mumbled an apology for. He tied off the condom and tossed it in the general direction of the bin (if he missed, at least no one else but him and Luke are ever really in here) and laid down beside Luke. Both still breathing a little heavily, Michael asked “You alright?”

Luke nodded, a lazy smile on his face. “I’m so good. You were so good.”

Michael felt the same way. He winced when he put his hand on his stomach, remembering that they both had Luke’s cum on him, and that Luke probably has lube all on and dribbling out of his ass. “I should get you cleaned up, shouldn’t I? Made a bit of a mess.”

Luke groaned, wiggling closer to Michae. “Yeah, but I don’t want you to do.”

Michael didn’t want to go either, but he also doesn’t want to be the asshole that let his boyfriend wake up covered in his own dried cum after the first time he has sex. He gets up, wiping a bit of the mess off of his own stomach with a tissue and discarding it. He grabbed Luke’s robe, covered himself up in it, and grabbed a flannel. “Two minutes, I promise. I’ll be right back.”

He did what he promised, Quickly, he went down the hall to the communal washroom and wet the cloth with warm water. Luckily for him, the bathroom was empty at that point, which makes sense considering that it was pretty late now.

When he got back to the room Luke looked half passed out, covers still shoved to the end of the bed. Michael discarded the robe and wiped the slight sticky residue off before going over to Luke and set to work on an admittedly lazy job of cleaning Luke off, mopping up the cum first before making Luke spread his legs so that he could clean up his ass a little. Luke whimpered when he did so, seemingly trying to wiggle away from the cloth between his legs. “M’sensitive.”

“I know.” Of course he was, he’d only cum maybe ten minutes before. “You’ll thank me in the morning.”

Michael tossed the cloth across the room to the laundry basket Luke had filled with dirty clothes that he hadn’t gotten around to washing yet. Surprisingly, his aim was good for once and the cloth did end up in the basket.

He crawled into bed with Luke, pulling the covers up over the both of them. Luke immediately cuddled into him, an arm around him and his face buried into the crook of Michael’s neck. “Mmm, you smell like sex.”

Michael chuckled, wrapping himself around Luke as well. “Well, we did just have sex.”

“I like it.”

Kind of gross, but not really. Michael liked it too. They would both definitely need showers in the morning before class, though. “You good? Everything feeling alright?”

“M’good. Ass is a little sore, but in a good way.”

Very nice to hear that Luke enjoyed it, and didn’t mind the feelings afterwards. “Can I ask you something?” Luke hummed in response. “Why didn’t you want to, you know, do this before. I mean, I completely respect the fact that you didn’t want to, and will respect it in the future if you don’t want to. I just want to know if there’s a reason.”

He wasn’t sure if Luke would answer, Luke could easily be asleep. “Dunno. Guess I just wasn’t comfortable with my body for most of my life. Still kind of not. Needed to get used to the idea of touching, and to the idea that you think I’m attractive. I’m good with stuff now.”

“Good. I do think you’re attractive, in every way.”

“Same. Can we sleep now? We have class tomorrow and I don’t want to look tired tomorrow.”

Happily, Michael left it at that. Within seconds, he knew that Luke was fast asleep. He was quick tomorrow. Nothing but sweet dreams filled their heads.

Wednesday night, Calum had just finished his show. He had gotten a text from Ashton about half an hour before saying that he was going to walk Calum back to his dorm that night. He’s done so twice before since they’ve been dating, which Calum very much appreciates. After Ashton walks him back, they’ll hang out (make out, if no one else is there) for an hour or so before Ashton goes back to his own dorm.

After a quick chat with his co-workers, he leaves the studio, finding Ashton waiting right outside for him with a smile on his face. “Hey, babe.” Ashton stretched his arms out to hug him, which Calum happily accepted. But then he ducked in for a kiss on the cheek, which Calum dodged with ease brought by practice. When Ashton pulled away, he looked at Calum with that same, disappointed look, but then shook it off. “Good show.”

“You were listening?”

“Of course. I don’t like missing them, if I can help it.”

Calum knew that Ashton liked his show, he had told him multiple times before. Still, it was nice to hear that Ashton took the time to pay attention to something that Calum cares so much about. “Thanks, that’s sweet.”

They started walking down the hall, side by side. Half of the way down the hall, Calum felt Ashton start to lace their fingers together. Almost harshly, Calum ripped his own hand away. He knew that Ashton would have that look on his face again, but probably worse since he had now rejected him twice.

It was silent for all of two seconds before Ashton spoke, sounding like he was trying to keep his voice emotionless, and succeeding. “Why do you always do that? There isn’t even anyone here. It’s not like I’m trying to makeout with you in a busy room, we’re alone and I just want to hold your hand.”

That does make sense, they are alone. But at any second, that could easily change. “I don’t…” He trailed off, not knowing what to say how to explain.

“I don’t get it. I understand that you have limits, but I don’t get this one.”

“I-I don’t know how to…”

Ashton softened his voice, probably sensing that he was starting to make Calum anxious. “It’s okay. I’m not mad. When we get back to yours, okay?”

“O-okay.” Calum said shakily and took some deep breaths to calm himself down.

Much sooner than he would have liked, they arrived at Calum’s door. Michael isn’t here, he had texted him hours ago that he would be spending the night at Luke’s. Calum kicked off his shoes and sat on his bed, tucking his knees up into his chest as he waited for Ashton to start talking. “So…” Ashton sat on the bed beside him, keeping a good few inches of space between them. “Do you want to tell me what’s up? Why you don’t like any kind of pda?”

Having to concentrate very hard on not stuttering, Calum said “You just, you know, never know who’s going to see. And you never know what they might want from you.”

“So, you don’t like pda, because you’re scared that someone is going to hurt you because of it?”

It sounds like a stupid fear, when Ashton says it like that. It makes him sound paranoid. He isn’t paranoid, he’s realistic based on his own experiments. “Pretty much, I guess. And, if you’re seen doing that stuff with me, you just never know. They could turn on you pretty easily.”

“Babe, I’d be fine.” Ashton said, trying to reason with Calum. “You’ve got me and Michael and Luke to protect you, and I can protect myself. Plus, I’ve got the club. They’d stick up for me.”

“I...I know that. That makes sense. But you never know what they want. Never know what people want to do with you. Not just to beat you up, or make fun of you. You never know when they’ll want other stuff.” Calum could see by the look in his eyes, that Ashton was starting to get what he was talking about. That he wasn’t being ridiculous, because things like the things he fears have happened to him before, and they’re worse than Ashton thought. “When boys find out that you like boys, sometimes they want things from you. And sometimes they get those things, even when that’s not what you want.”

Ashton knew what he was talking about, at least vaguely. With the way that he had spoken about things before, Ashton had to have thought about things like this. “Do you want to, um, talk about it?”

Calum took a minute to decide. The only person he’d ever told before, was Michael. And Michael doesn’t even know everything. It’s his most embarrassing secret, by far. But Ashton is special. He’s sweet, and he understands. He doesn’t get angry. And he doesn’t think that Calum is stupid or weak. If he takes it like Calum wants him to, then nothing will change. “Okay.”

“Okay. Let’s, um, let’s get changed and cuddled into bed, okay? Ashton nodded. They grabbed comfy clothes out of Calum’s drawers and turned their backs on each other as they changed. At Calum’s signal, Ashton turned back around. Ashton turned off the light, though it wasn’t dark thanks to the little light that was always plugged in. The pair crawled into Calum’s bed together and tucked themself under the covers and cuddled close. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.”

“It’s okay. I trust you.”

Calum meant that honestly. The few things that Calum has told him, Ashton took very well. Logically, he has no reason to believe that this will go differently. “Okay. Take your time.”

Calum fidgeted a little, he doesn’t want to look at Ashton as he tells him this secret, knowing that that would only make this more difficult. “I think that you need a little, um, a little background to understand. So, I guess that this sort of began a few months after I turned sixteen. Obviously, most people didn’t like me, and they liked letting me know that whenever they got the chance. This was one of those times. That guy who, um, the guy who goes to school here now was involved with this.

So, basically, this guy, and I guess the rest of the class, thought that it would be funny if after gym class, when I went in to have a shower, if they stole my clothes and towel from the stall. They made me walk across the whole changing room to get my clothes, completely naked.

And, I didn’t know this back then, but a guy took pictures of me.” He heard Ashton take a sharp breath, but Calum didn’t look at him. “Nothing happened until just this last summer, the first day of it. I found, taped on my front door, a note with one of the pictures. The next day, I had to go to his house. And, in exchange for getting rid of all of the pictures, he wanted to have sex with me. I didn’t know what else to do, so I let him. And, you know, it could have been a lot worse, he could have been really mean about it. But I still didn’t like it at all.

And then, I thought that it was over. But it wasn’t. He said that he wouldn’t let me leave, without something for him to remember me by. He held me down, and he took pictures of me. They didn’t have my face in them at least, but it was still me. He probably still has them, I don’t see why he would delete them.”

Calum had done his best to keep breathing as he had spoke, to help himself stay calm. He had done well at that, for the most part. He was only barely shaking. Ashton said, sounding quite frustrated and disbelieving, “Did you ever tell anyone? The police?”

“I only told Mikey. What would I have said to the police? That a straight guy took nudes of me without my permission, and used them to blackmail me into having sex with him? No one would have believed me. I was stupid, I didn’t record the conversation. I had no proof. Besides, his dad is a police officer who probably still thinks that his kid is straight.”

“So there is just a guy out there, with your nudes? A guy who has blackmailed you before using your nudes, has more blackmail material on his phone?” As he spoke, his voice grew louder, and slightly angrier. With how close he is to Calum, it is even more terrifying and loud.

“I-I know th-that it was stupid. I know that I-I should have d-done someth-thing...”

Ashton noticed the stutter. Noticed when Calum started shaking a little more and fidgeted like he wanted to get away from him. Right, this is not a good time to get angry. Calum just told him about a traumatic event which he is very embarrassed about. This is the time to comfort him, to make him feel just a little safer. “I’m so sorry, Cal. I’m so sorry that that happened to you.”

Ashton rubbed Calum’s back in a way that was soothing. And after a few minutes, it seemed to work. “I wish that I could say that it doesn’t bother me anymore, but it does. It isn’t that I don’t want to hold your hand and kiss you in public, because I do. I’m not ashamed to be with you. I’m just…”

“You’re scared. I think I understand that better now. If you don’t want any pda, then that’s fine.”

“I do want to,” Calum said once he had calmed down a little. “I know that it would make you happy. And I want that too. I want to at least try.”

“If you actually do want to, we could start with handholding maybe, see where we go from there? And promise that if it makes you uncomfortable, that you tell me?”

“Okay. We can try that.”

“Okay, whatever you feel comfortable with. I’m sorry if I sounded mad, right after you told me. I could never be mad at you about something like this. I’m just mad at the guy who did that to you, and upset with the situation.”

“Okay.”

“And I’m sorry if I made you feel guilty about pda. It’s okay, really. I didn’t understand before, and now I sort of do. You shouldn’t do anything because you feel obligated to. I promise, I won’t pressure you into anything on purpose. And if I do it without meaning to, then tell me, and I will stop?”

It was nice, that Ashton realized what he had been doing to him. And that he would apologize for it, instead of just moving on and letting Calum deal with it. “Okay, I believe you.”

“Good. Are you okay if I stay the night? Or would you rather that I left?”

Calum didn’t need to think about it. He knows what he wants, and he knows that it would be okay. “Stay. Don’t want to be alone after talking about it. Also, I just like you being here all of the time.”

“I’ll stay then, whenever you want. Now, go to sleep, if you can. Your class is early tomorrow.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Ash.”

“Goodnight Cal. Sweet dreams.”

It would have been a major exaggeration to say that his dreams were sleep. But at the very least, when he woke up in the middle of the night shaking, he calmed down quickly knowing that he was in the arms of someone who would protect him, no matter what might come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would you believe that I wrote that entire thing in four days? For a while I wasn't really inspired to work on this fic, but finally I got around to it and I think that it went kind of okay.
> 
> If anyone is still reading this, I'd really like to hear what you guys thought so remember to leave a comment and kudos if you want.
> 
> Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long!
> 
> My tumblr: Heck-To-The-Nah

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Updates shouldn't take more than two weeks, since I'm about halfway finished writting this story already.
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


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